Even More Shit I Believe (Three)

To be honest I didn’t think I’d come up with two of these let alone three. I mean, there’s a very limited capacity in my head, so there’s not much source material to begin with. Anyway, as always, I will put the disclaimer out there about opinions and assholes, yada yada. But these are my opinions, and you’re fully entitled to them.

Cutting to the chase

I believe:

… that once you adopt the adjective ‘fundamentalist’ into how you communicate your religion of choice, you also qualify for some other particular adjectives.

… that we should change the term ‘adjective’ to ‘adnoun’ to make things easier since we have ‘adverbs,’ which is self-explanatory.

… that only one person can make you happy and that person is you, because it is a choice, not a condition.

… beer and coffee are only rented, never owned.

… the government is up to its nipples in a hot mess of shit they have no business being involved in.

… that being famous doesn’t automatically qualify you to comment on national policy or security issues, so stick to acting, sports, singing or whatever other useless shit you get paid way too much to do.

… raising boys is inherently easier than girls because with sons you only have to worry about what one particular penis is doing, whereas with daughters you have to worry about what all the penises are doing.

… there is something disturbing about the notion that you have to be licensed to drive, boat, hunt, marry, and operate lots of big machines but anyone can go have a kid, even as an accident.

… the internet was invented mainly as a way for people to share porn.

… you can pick your friends, pick your nose, but you should not pick your friend’s nose.

… I need more beer.

I hope you all out there continue to find these brain turds amusing.


34 Responses to “Even More Shit I Believe (Three)”

  1. I have a coffee cup that says “Government: If you think the problems we cause are bad, wait until you see the solutions” and found long ago that government is effective in spite of rather than because of itself–in the few instances it is effective.

  2. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Excellent and I definitely agree with #3.

  3. Adnouns . . . .I think that will be very helpful for my students. Thanks!

  4. Awesome! Personally I’m against pretty much government-run anything, because look what a fine job they’ve done running the post office, the DMV, Amtrak, the VA system… The one exception to this are the US Armed Forces, of course.

  5. Never thought of #7 quite like that, and too right on #6.

  6. Just so you know, you were wrong about number #3. I can make you happy (not you, just people in general) but there is only one Me….

  7. # 7 and #8 – truer than true.. some parents just need to be sterilized so they don’t birth any more kids to fuck up.

  8. Hey Rants! I have been reading your posts for a while and you always have me rolling on the floor (not because I’m on fire). I nominated you for some awards that are going around. Here is the link to my post about them. The directions are there as well. Pick and choose the ones you want if any.


  9. I have been a long time believer that fertitlity should not be a right but a privilege.

  10. Bravo on setting some ground rules!

  11. Applause – more applause ( at the last item)

  12. “… that being famous doesn’t automatically qualify you to comment on national policy or security issues, so stick to acting, sports, singing or whatever other useless shit you get paid way too much to do.”

    Oh I get so irritated, to a point of yelling at inanimate objects, when ‘famous’ people give me their opinion when they are nowhere near qualified on a particular subject. Especially when celebrities try and tell me who to vote for. They are highly privileged people and I’m pretty certain the things I look for in a candidate as a lower class person are radically different than what they find important.

  13. I think I’m going to a concert tomorrow night. I’m picking my seat now.
    Like Mike, thanx for T.M.I.

  14. Creatively done sir. I like it.

  15. Excellent brain turds! I really wish my guy believed in the nose picking one… he’s always trying to dig for gold in my nostrils. Was that TMI?

    • No TMI here. This is an zero-TMI zone. I’ve done that on occasion myself. I’d suggest letting him acquire a nose gem once. That should quench his nostrillicious curiosity. It’s all about the penetration, you know.

  16. Awesomesauce! Your bit about raising boys versus girls made me laugh (I needed a laugh tonight) … love it! 🙂

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