Readers’ Rant: That Guy Part One

A while back I posted a rant about “that guy,” as in, “Don’t be That Guy.” We’ve all heard it said, and it really does ring true. I got some decent feedback on the post also – the great ‘other fun’ of blogging – the comments – were pretty funny themselves. Though I doubted I could generate say, a full-on Rant per month of five jackwagons who wind up being That Guy myself, clearly it seems my readers are willing to throw some fuckers under my RantBus for a tire-pressure check.

Before I jump in, I have to revisit my definition of That Guy: You have just crossed a border, line, or other non-permissive barrier that indicates that you are a douchebag of the highest order, a dabbler in asshattery, fucktarded, likely dress funny, and someone who must be eliminated from the gene pool. I had to repeat that because it is just too epic.

Okay, on with the hilarity:

Left Lane Loser (Southern Sea Muse): This is That Guy who insists on driving any speed less than the posted limit in the far left lane where the rest of us late, emergency-having, hypercaffienated itchy trigger fingers drive. Sadly, the joy gained by watching a hollowpoint evaporate their brain would be offset by the damage to your car caused my the epic wreck that would cause.

Waffle Guy (John from Trask Avenue): This middle manager has authority and is afraid to use it. He will nickel and dime your hours of blood, sweat and tears on a project to death rather than have the sack to say, ‘this is good, send it up.’ Letting the boss decide can never get you fired. The Waffle is upper management material once his testicles descend.

Dancing Queen (Heather from Prawn and Quartered): This clueless one has the music up, is into the beat, dancing and shaking that monemaker – in their car. Not only do they look like a complete fucktard, odds are the music sucks. Continue wishing for permanent hearing loss for this one.

Lurker Guy (Audrey Johnson): The Lurker’s domain is the office, and s/he’s out to ‘help’ the boss manage, whether the job of checking was delegated to them or not. Seen the boss yet to answer that question from the email last night? Lurker will help remind you. Again. Giving this dillhole a swirlie in the bathroom may be worth the risk to your job and will definitely clean the shit off this botard’s nose.

Before closing out here I’m giving a shout out to the readers I called out above for their generosity in sharing an idea in their comment. I hope I did their concepts justice, and I hope you enjoyed this. Also, stay tuned for Part Two, which will feature the other three ideas generated by my initial offering.

25 Responses to “Readers’ Rant: That Guy Part One”

  1. Sometimes it seems like wherever I turn someone is standing there who I can point my finger at and honestly say, “Don’t be like that guy.”

  2. I hate dancing queen…I see them rocking out in their car and I just wonder who they are dancing for. If it’s the ladies, he needs to reexamine his approach- cuz he looks like a douche.

    What about drive by pick up artist guy? They guy who does a drive by of “girl you look fine” or the chh chhh guy.

  3. You never cease to amaze me (I mean that in a good way). “That Guy” could become a regular feature here, because there are so many of Those Guys in the world. I’m also thinking of the douches who walk around practically screaming into their iPhones. I wanna tear those guys a new one…especially when they come into my workplace.

  4. Great list.. when I am in my car moshing out to Slayer – I really don’t care who is looking.. Chances are, I’ll never see any of those people again!
    And if I do, well, I guess I gave them something to talk about.

  5. I am none of those guys. But I’m definitely not the left laner!

  6. John Erickson Says:

    I used to do a variant of the dancing queen, namely Lead Guitarist. You put on some rocking guitar music, roll down the windows, and tilt the steering wheel ALL the way down so you can drive with your knees. Then you wait for the old couple to pull alongside, and you drive away playing an air guitar solo – look ma, no hands! 😀
    See? I can’t really help you with a post about “that guy”, cause I always WAS “that guy”. In more ways than one… 😉

  7. In response to the Left Lane Loser, it ALWAYS sucks to be in a hurry behind them. But, on the other hand, it’s almost always satisfying to BE that guy. I especially enjoy slowing everybody down and the getting over just in time to watch them get stuck at the rolling road block a few yards ahead of me.

  8. Hmm, I know the Cell Yeller is taken, but what about “That Guy” who must use speaker phone with the volume turned all the way up in every public place s/he enters, as apparently everyone around needs to hear both sides of the conversation. Cuz you know it’s so important that we all know that “Joe” is stuck in traffic and will be home 10 minutes late.

  9. Thanks for the shout-out! You definitely did it plenty of justice.
    P.S. Your “That Guy” description is, without a doubt, epic!

  10. […] a while back, and got some great reader commentary that fueled not one but two sequel posts (here, and here). Click them, dammit! They’re funny! Anyway, this post is now the third sequel and […]

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