Sick Search Terms #2

Before I dive into the second installment of the reformatted and reorganized Sick Search Terms, I have to comment that the quantity of odd terms linking into BrainRants has slowed considerably. I can only suspect that some epic natural disaster has inadvertently wiped out a pocket of deviants somewhere. With that…

Sucky husband – I see someone is checking on me again. At least I’m easy to find.

Tragic slip – Relates to one of my earliest posts, but I have to wonder what this person was searching for on the internet. Perhaps someone looking for emotionally-charged underwear. I hope they found their Hilarious Brassieres and Angry Briefs.

Humor men cooking – So many ways to parse that phrase. However, the one that creeps me calls to mind that Twilight Zone episode about the aliens who show up on Earth with a book: “To Serve Man.”

Cast iron skillet awesome – I may have spawned a new saying. “You’re not just awesome, you’re cast-iron-skillet awesome.” That’s awesomesauce. Copyright!

Shitter Reading – No kidding, butt dart. I’m not trying for a Pulitzer Prize here. Maybe the Pullet Surprise. I want to know: who takes their computer to the shitter with them and why are they on this site? Wait, I bet they print the blog post out on paper, don’t they? I love the thought that someone prints my post, reads it, and then wipes with it. More awesomesauce! I’m almost as important as fiber.

Suicide action figure – Not interested, thanks. However, do they actually make these? If so, wouldn’t any action figure pretty much fit the bill? Do they come with little ropes, handguns, and boxes of rat poison? Hmm.

Ass blog – The interweb denizens are honing their search skills. The only improvement would be ‘blog by that guy who always has the ass’ but I get why that’s so burdensome to type in. Too bad you can’t just save an internet location. You know, like putting a bookmark in a book?

How to look for mongolian porn on the internet – This is some kind of recurring theme. I may be creating my own feedback loop here. Still, the idea that someone searches specifically for Mongolian porn just cracks me the fuck up. I wonder what the runners-up are… Eritreans, Malays, and Tasmanians?

Road wrap – Here’s a product I was completely unaware of – Road Wrap. More than likely sold in giant rolls that resemble Saran Wrap except for the scale. Admittedly, that shit would be great for housepainting, preserving a freshly-washed car, Fall leaf collection, and disposal of… uh, things.

Are men better at doing housework? – Here’s one I’m perfectly comfortable with answering: no, they’re not. Just because a man performs the work doesn’t necessarily mean he did it correctly. Therein lies the issue of how we continue to fall short decade after decade.

I suspect I’ve run up against the end of your attention span. Stay tuned for another installment of Sick Search Terms, and remember: someone typed these into a search engine near you.

48 Responses to “Sick Search Terms #2”

  1. Too funny. Reminds me of the ongoing crazy search terms I get related to a post I did last fall about why toilet paper should go over, not under. Evidently this issue truly confounds the world, and is not about to be put to rest.You’d think we’d all have more pressing concerns to google.

  2. Do I have to start going all x-rated on your comments in order for you to get some good search terms or what?

  3. How to look for mongolian porn on the internet <~ LMAO!! sigh.. ok, I'll be laughing about this all day. Thanks for the pick-me-up.

  4. haha! This is cast iron skillet awesome. So funny!

  5. Rich Crete Says:

    “I’m almost as important as fiber” should be a plaque in an corporate executive’s office.

  6. Dead Squirrel Season is still my most trafficked post…makes me wonder what sickos are looking at dead squirrels on the net.

  7. Shitter reading is an important topic…especially when one has read all the shampoo bottles and soap wrappers 67 times already. As for me, I’ve noticed an uptick in prawn search terms over at P&Q. Weird, huh?

  8. Ha! Shitter reading! Are you sure they weren’t looking for MY blog? It would fit the bill. One can only hope they’re using a smart phone and not lugging the lap top in with them. Or (even worse visual) maybe they have a whole desktop set up in their bathroom just for reading blogs while dropping a deuce.

  9. I was just thinking of that same Twilight Series episode when I saw that.
    As for reading on the porcelain throne… can’t you just see someone dropping a deuce with their beloved iPad in hand? And reading your lovely posts?

  10. John Erickson Says:

    Hmm … road wrap. The best combination of a dropped weapon (like mines, or caltrops) while keeping the roadway clean and fresh. Sorta “Guns N Ammo” meets “Better Housekeeping” meets “Car And Driver”. Definitely a new Car Wars weapon!
    I think, though, that the suicide action figure has promise. You just need to be more creative with the manner of death. Can’t you just picture that twerp Ken going over the cliff in Barbie’s Corvette when she dumps him for G.I. Joe? Or maybe him jumping off an Erector Set tower? Cool stuff! 😀

  11. I tagged you on my blog! Choose the mission or not – you have free will!
    I thought you could really dream up some great answers and even greater questions.

    have a most epic night!!

  12. An arms and armor lover from way back. I’ve built almost as many as John E. by welding bent spikes. They’re hell on horses….or infantry.

  13. I have invited you into the tag game, for more detail have a look at this ….

  14. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    cast-iron-skillet-awesome…good one!

  15. WordsFallFromMyEyes Says:

    You’re crazy nuts hilarious Brainrants 🙂 Thanks for the Saturday morning laugh!

  16. You’ve just given me a renewal on doing a blog post featuring the best of the month’s search terms. LOVED ‘How to look for mongolian porn on the internet’
    Your comments on these are priceless.
    Wonderful post!

  17. So far my sickest one of the week is ‘teen playing dildo ersatz.’
    maybe it’s the mongolian porn guy.

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