Woobie

Not too long ago a casual conversation I had during the day somehow turned and/or diverted into the bizarre. Yes, this is a frequent phenomenon within a five-mile radius of me. Normally these drive-by’s of the Twilight Zone don’t get too personal, but this one (duh – of course) did. The discussion side-car’ed into a critique of my preferred sleeping gear.

Before launching at full power into my screed, I want to state for the record that I never have, do not, and never will address my quilted blanket as a “woobie.” It’s a fucking blanket, period. To be technically correct, it’s a quilt. That said, let’s move on…

The Woobie

So the facts of the case here are clear: I have a quilted blanket that I prefer to sleep under at night. I made it myself (Disclaimer: I mailed the assembled mess to my Mom, who had it quilted for me). Furthermore, I made it out of my old Army uniforms, in particular the camouflage ones that rednecks love to troll military surplus stores for. These would be the black, tan, brown, and green style. Not the fucked up ones now with a pixellated digital bullshit pattern that blends into absolutely nothing and glows in the fucking dark.

Essentially, I spent a good few months with a seam ripper, Buck knife and scissors disassembling about six pair of the old-style BDU’s (Battle Dress Uniforms) and then cut the resulting material into squares. After that, and a refresher class provided to me by Mom, I sewed the shit together. Yeah, I know how to operate a sewing machine… Mom taught me because she thought I’d need to know how, but the bobbin-thereading always eludes me. If you think that’s gay, take it up with my Mom. She’s far more formidable than I am… all 5’1″ of her.

Anyway, my intent was to make a blanket that would be warm and that I could take with me to the field. The rationale here was that the Army provides warm stuff to sleep in, but all of it is invariably made of nylon. Try sleeping on nylon shit – you’ll wake up in a puddle of your own sleep-sweaty funk-nastyness. My idea was to swap the Army shit for something cotton.

As it turned out, the quilt was far nicer than I’d expected. I didn’t have the heart to expose it to rain, my 9-days-in-the-field-without-bathing-my-armpits (yeah…), Army equipment with sharp corners, or the inevitable mud and/or dust. So it became my blanket. On the bed. Where I sleep. At night.

I guess the truly epic twist to this is that I’ve taken the concept and I am now steadily disassembling old Army Greens, Army Blues, and my old and worn assclown digital pattern shit. I expect – based on a thumbnail estimate and experience – to get two or three full king-size woo… uhm, quilts out of my efforts. Laugh at me all you want, or at the notion of a 6’1″ bad-ass, 225-lb Army Tanker sleeping with his… blanket. It’s fucking awesome, and the ‘perfect pitch’ in terms of temperature control.

And I do not suck my thumb, so fuck y’all.

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101 Responses to “Woobie”

  1. I wish I could meet your Mom. I think it is so cool that she taught you such basic life skills as sewing. She appears to have done an awesome job of raising you and must be very proud of you! If you ever have the need to adopt a second mom, let me know, okay?
    😉

  2. Damn right it’s not a woobie.
    I believe the correct term is “blankie-wankie”. Much more manly.

  3. Guys that quilt are hot. That shit requires SKILZ.

  4. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    hhmmm…it is very hard to control evil typing fingers this morning…this made me choke on my soda, fall outta the chair…and then laugh until I hurt…thanks for sharing this – your mom sounds like she rocks!

  5. aw you have a blankie! I did that with my daughter. I cut up all of my favorite baby clothes and made them into a woo- blankie for her.
    Hey, I’m not judging. I love a good blankie and whatever keeps you warm and the scorpions off of you!
    Does it have a silkie border?

  6. I cannot see why anyone whould think this is gay. I think that a quilt alone is awesome and adding the fact that it is made of your old BDUs just makes even more awesome. As far as sewing I knew how to sew well before my wife did and she loves that stuff. Isn’t that still something they teach you in the military anyway? I know its not with a sewing machine but you learn to stich right?

  7. You stick up for your quilt, very creative & well reasoned thinking produced this treasured sleeping acoutrement!

  8. Michael Jackson named his youngest “Blanket,” not “Woobie,” which should be an end to this ridiculous balderdash once and for all.

  9. You’re protesting way too much. You say woobie like it’s your… um woobie.

  10. That sounds like the raddest blanket ever! You ever thought of marketing these? Could be a hit…

  11. Oootchy cootchy wickle diddums gotta camo-woobie he made himself awwwwwws *pinches your cheek*

    Then runs like fuck, and hides..

  12. Demanding picture of quilt on blog! Hard to imaging a better idea.(and your mom rocks – such a smart lady)

  13. While I am sure you knew what you were opening yourself up for when you posted this, I bet you are rethinking the whole thing aren’t you?

  14. John Erickson Says:

    Hey, no disrespect from this end. I’ve ONLY slept on wool stuff when “in the field”, ’cause I tried a super-modern sleeping bag ONCE and chucked it. Though I’d tear up the digital stuff – the NATO camo is still my preference when I can’t have my German WW2 stuff.
    And no dis for being able to sew, either. That’s one I never really got proficient at – I can hand sew a little (VERY necessary when you’re miles away from ANYTHING resembling civilisation), but the machines always ended up getting more blood out of me than I got thread out of them.
    Maybe I can contract you to do one out of British DPM? That would REALLY rock! 🙂

  15. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    You didn’t think that, “That Guy” who is ranty, drives a tank, can be a lil intimidating sometimes, guy who kicks ass dude – but, has a quilt called a woobie…would not be entertaining? I thought it was cool that you made me laugh all day! (not because I thought it was gay or anything! Just funny that you would share that.) I wish I could sew! I will never give you a hard time about anything again…

  16. Maybe it’s because our house is surrounded by cotton fields, but I share your cotton bias. Synthetics suck.

    You & Mom need to market these. My 13-year-old would mow lawns in his sleep to earn enough to buy one. How much?

  17. […] found that story quite inspiring .. Sure as hell beats sitting in a retirement home with a knitted woobie blanket on your frail knees, waiting to die .. and worse: surrounded by people doing exactly the […]

  18. will you PLEASE take a picture of your blankie and post it for us. You snuggling it or curled up underneath it would be best, but a picture of it will do. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (come on people and join me in my begging)

  19. The head of my yeshiva used to tell guys there was something screwed up about Americans that we needed to sleep with blankets in the summer. Hes from eastern europe, went through the holocaust as a kid and is as manly as they come, but I still feel like a baby for doing it today.

  20. […] those of you obsessed with seeing this masterpiece, return to the post or click here. This is taken at her place in the guest bedroom. No, I’m not under there. Share […]

  21. That’s innovation! Great! The blanket looks great, we can see it now!

  22. Which army would we need to pillage for the materials so you could make me a black, green and red one?

  23. OMG, the comments are as wonderful as the blog! You so rock! And, and, another OMG! Army Tanker?! Whee!! My oldest son was an Army Tanker! He got to drive the M1A1 at top speed across the artillery range, once, just so the CO could get a point across, then someone else decided it would be fun to shoot at the tank…did you know they can go 70 mph? Oh, sorry, course you knew that, um, yeah, that son left his “goo-gum” at home; I thought about having it bronzed, but, well…eeww… Love the woo-blanket! 😀

  24. […] man and he has a woobie blankie blanket that his mom made for him.  You can see a picture of it here.  He’s also funny and surprising in every single post.  I don’t want him to […]

  25. […] rant on the ridiculousness of the Christmas holidays and the only post I’ve ever re-blogged. “Woobie” (17 Feb 12), was a massive crowd favorite that exposed my home-made quilt to the world. The nerd […]

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