Rant: Snow

I knew that if I posted a rant about our unseasonably warm Winter, that act alone would be enough to spark something resembling normal. At least locally, that is. As sure as washing your car attracts flocks of incontinent pigeons, my post was apparently the key that unlocked the gates of Winter hell. Of course, the operating function behind this is of course Karma, that twisted, sadistic bitch who gets off by using me as her personal blow-up doll.

I really, really dislike Winter and precipitation in general. None of this is truly surprising considering I grew up in a desert where it might (or might not) get cold enough to actually snow about once every five years or so. Even then, it was gone by noon, but not before the religious nuts had wrecked their cars speeding to church to beΒ the first in line for the Rapture. But seriously, it was infrequent and unoppressive enough to be novel and no more.

Back to Winter’s Discontent. I’ve learned to adapt and accommodate Winter, it’s true. Nothing in that annual process indicates to me that I have to like it. It’s cold. It rains more. It snows. Somtimes it does both.Β That alone gives me a case of unmitigated ass, and then the second-order effects kick in.

Shoveling. Clearing the snow off of a sidewalk is one of those activities much like making your bed or raking leaves that makes me question the utility of performing the act in the first place. Will we not get more snow? Will this snow not melt? I have learned the trick of using a broom if I can get to the problem in time, but every now and then there’s that epic dump where a broom just won’t work.

Driving. For some reason snow makes people lose their fucking minds and completely flush everything they learned about driving in and on it. At least here in Kansas. This baffles me because it (snow) happens every year. You’d think these skills would eventually become ingrained enough to be useful to these retards as well as the folks around them on the roads.

Dressing. I’ve ranted about acclimating, but in truth that’s only good down to about thirty degrees. Below that, I have to go dig out additional things to wear. The good news is, the Army has finally come up with some warm shit that isn’t wool and actually works. The bad news is, it works so well you can count on dehydrating yourself if you don’t remove it once you get where you’re going.

I could probably go on, but I have some cleanup to do, and that snow won’t shovel itself. I’ll close by adding that the one redeeming feature of snow is that I can park my beer in it while I shovel and it will keep cold. Whoopty-fucking-shit.

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67 Responses to “Rant: Snow”

  1. Meltingmeandering Says:

    I appreciate this rant! I grew up in Washington state and moved to Texas 21 years ago…I miss a lot about Washington state but snow isn’t one of those things. πŸ™‚

  2. I like snow. It’s fun to go sledding in, build snowmen, and it usually keeps the undead at bay for several months at a time.

  3. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I love me some snow…I wish the Winter Gates of Hell would open here and dump about 5″…the entire city shuts down (because of driving fools, also) but it becomes quiet and serene – like Magical Winter Wonderland…even makes the Hood look like a pretty place.

  4. We shovel sand. It was a trip to see those snow-shovel trucks come down here from Planet Yankee to help clear our roads after Katrina. Given a choice between snow or sand, I pick sand to go along with the broom and beverage. The palm trees are a nice touch, too, if you have to engage in such manual labor.

  5. I don’t do snow. I grew up on the east coast with snow. I broke my ankle sledding. There was a (manufactured) snow day at my kids school the other day, and she was taken out by a rogue sled and went ass over tea kettle. She doesn’t like snow either.

  6. I laughed for a long time when I read the bit about driving ahaha, anyway on a totally off topic note, in England there is a TANK CROSSING!! no joke, I have pictures. Who would have known tanks needed to cross the road πŸ™‚

  7. We don’t even own a snow shovel. But considering that we live in a sauna four months a year, I’d say that we earn our nice winters.

  8. Once you’ve lived through a couple of real blizzards, like Chicago 1967 when we got out of our house via the 2nd story windows, a little snow isn’t all that terrifying. The braindead yahoos who magically forget how to drive in the stuff, however, indicate a need for a severe cleaning of the gene pool.
    Oh, and packed snow covered in ice is a great anti-zombie defense. They lack the co-ordination to climb the slippery stuff. And sufficiently packed, the stuff can be pretty shrapnel-proof too. Plus, with your vehicle backed into a U-shaped wall of snow, you can make a rather toasty warm emergency shelter.
    Not that I learned that in actual practise, or anything. πŸ˜‰

  9. I’ve always said I hate Sunday morning drivers because they were out to kill themselves as quickly as possible after confessing their sins so they’s go straight to heaven.
    Snow is good for some things like skiing, sledding (& anyone can do it – you just need a piece of cardboard big enough for the size of your derriere), the Festival du Voyageur in Wpg. Canada where they build amazing snow sculptures. But for the most part it is a pain – it makes roads slippery, walking slippery (fell on ice 2 years ago & fractured my wrist) & breathing difficult. The only thing I like about snow is it makes everything look clean & new for a very little while. Then it can melt, OK?

    • I agree, which really baffles me as to why anyone bothers living in Canada… or anywhere north of Arizona for that matter.

      • We live in Canada for the socialized medicine of course! But seriously, if we didn’t live here – all the black flies would migrate south looking for blood & then you would have to do the crazy walk with your hands flapping in front of your face πŸ™‚

      • AND we make excellent beer! We gave you hockey & basketball, penicillin – look at that!
        Of course we are the good cops – we are one of the most polite nations in the world & (gag) we are genuinely nice! Add to that our bug stopping ability & what more could you want in a neighbor?

      • Anonymous Says:

        According to Wikipedia it was an American who introduced basketball, but I’m pretty sure I saw a documentary a few years ago where it was a Canadian. Same story, same circumstances, same peach baskets, etc. Just a Canadian. Oh well. I guess we’ll each have to believe what we want about basketball.

  10. You are right – snow is a great opportunity to cull the herd, clean up the gene pool. In Jersey, we are all pros, so you will be over run with us in an ice age. But I also lived up in Washington State – 1 inch of snow, and the ditches were filled with overturned cars, wheels still spinning as I passed. I’d shrug, and tell myself, “there’s one more down. Clearer passage for me.”

  11. I absolutely hate snow. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s dirty, it causes car accidents, and screws up all your plans, but people put up with all that because they enjoy looking at it through a window.

  12. Come drive on snow in North Alabama. Now that’s a trip.

  13. It snowed down here about 6 years ago (little south and east of San Antonio in BFE, TX). First time in 20 years. People were amazed but stayed the hell inside. I think we had blankets out that hadn’t seen action since my dad used them to walk to school though the snow, uphill both ways like a good boy. I shudder at the thought of anything much below 60. But I love the 110 we get in the summer. Go figure.

  14. I grew up (and still live) in Eastern PA (Bucks County, Philly – you get it). We have gotten snow every winter since I can remember… and yet, people still freak the hell out and drive like morons.
    I hate it, hate it, hate it.
    On mornings I have work and there is snow (most times it’s only 1-3 inches) I have to give myself thirty extra minutes to get there because people are afraid to do at LEAST 15 mph on a wet surface.
    So what I am saying is, I absolutely feel your pain.

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