Rant: That Guy

We’ve all heard the saying, “Dude, don’t be that guy.” [Note: as a former Californian, my use of ‘dude’ indicates one, both, or neither sex.] Being ‘That Guy’ exposes you to the wrath of all around you because you have just crossed a border, line, or other non-permissive barrier that indicates that you are a douchebag of the highest order, a dabbler in asshattery, fucktarded, likely dress funny, and someone who must be eliminated.

At this point I’m unsure as to whether or not I could possibly evolve this into an ongoing That Guy monthly series, so this post remains un-numbered. Regardless, here’s a short list of turd burglars who qualify for That Guy (non-gender specific) in my universe:

Question Guy: After the meeting goes 45 minutes past the schedule and the Q & A is finally wrapping up, all you want to do is prevent embarrassing urinary decompression. Out of courtesy, the guy talking asks, “Any last questions?” This fatal mistake is the Question Guy’s opening to justify his worthless existence. You try to enduce an aneurism merely by hating him to death, but no, Question Guy has Kevlar-lined veins. He’s a professional conference attender. And he just exended your meeting another half hour.

Vomitorium Instigator: A rare but devastating lifeform. This is the dilweed who will upchuck at the worst possible moment, normally in a confined area that is warm and full of people who have just eaten. Once the disgusting splatter and heaving sounds subside, everyone is nasally assaulted by the foul stench and the inevitable begins: sympathetic sequential vomiting. Hope you weren’t wearing good shoes. Or pants.

Email Douche: The Email Douche does not understand the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all.’ If he happens to, he likes to believe his radio-broadcast electrons are keeping everyone informed of important ideas. In fact, he is decrementing the total number of available electrons in the universe and only hastening the Big Crunch with his insightful note reading, “I agree.” Yes, in effect he really is killing you. One inbox turd at a time.

Cell Shouter: This asshat makes his phone work on sonic energy, because we all know that yelling into them makes them work better. And hey, even if that’s not quite true, then the victim on the other end of the connection can probably still hear him bellow anyway, phone or no phone. But, he’s an asshat not because of this but rather because of the damage to your eardrums. Because he’s standing less than a foot from you. Can you hear me now, fuckwit?

OneUpper: In a conversation with Jesus, this idiot would have been dead five days, risen, overcome gangrene, and then ascended using the steeper route. In the snow. Barefoot. Because he’s always got a better, more intense version, and he is compelled to share it with you. No matter what, his version, is worse, more painful, longer, better, shorter, more epic or more awesome.

I suspect there are other candidates. I am less sure I feel like experiencing them again. Thoughts?

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51 Responses to “Rant: That Guy”

  1. The guy in the left lane going below the speed limit so you have no chance of getting around him. Usually has a handicap plate. Or a plate from Washington state. White-knuckles the wheel and is too oblivious than should be legal to be on the road. They should post the “Slower Traffic in Right Lane” signs on the left. In gigantic print.

  2. Email Douche unfortunately inhabits every office space and work environment known to man..and Cell Shouter = Hubby. *sigh* I can hear him talk to ANYBODY on his cell from anywhere in the universe. It’s bad…

  3. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Hilarious! I know lots of OneUppers! (mostly, I think they are full of it.) and Hell Yeah – you should do a monthly ‘That Guy’ series.

  4. I think I might be a One-Upper… but I only tell the truth…

  5. I work with a lot of email douches. I don’t need a reply all from 76 people that says Thanks. #1 email pet peeve!

  6. Waffle Guy – He’s an extreme version of Question Guy. You’ve talked through the issues, options, solutions, etc for weeks and weeks and everyone is finally in agreement. The amount of people hours spent has been enormous, but at least a solution is in hand. When it comes to putting the final stamp of approval on it Waffle Guy suddenly brings up “concerns” marginally related to the topic. Until they are analyzed and discussed, until every pebble is picked up, turned over and put under a microscope, he cannot under any circumstances give his opinion “in good conscience.” The problem is he’s usually in a position of power which affords him the opportunity for this douchebaggery behavior. Every organization, large or small, has at least one of these jackasses.

  7. You can turn Email Douche into a fun game, though. Just keep replying, and see how long it will continue.
    “Sounds good. See you then.” “Okay.” “Thanks.” “No problem.” “Looking forward to it.” “Back atcha.” “Cool.”

    etc.

    • That’s an awesome idea – email tennis – but sadly I get bored easily.

      • This is great fun with my OCDish brother who can’t grasp that eventually, all things must end. I don’t quit till he gets sarcastic and pissed. It is my only way, as his little sister (who is a therapist and should know better), of getting even for all those times when he paid me a quarter to go say a swear word to our mother while she was on important phone calls….and I was the one dining on Dial. Revenge is sweet…

  8. “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder” ….. Go make a t-shirt outa that 😀 .

  9. Dancing Queen…this is the douche who somehow thinks it’s OK to shake his booty and thrash around in the car at a red light AND nobody can see his silly ass. Well, maybe he doesn’t give a shit at all? Dunno.

  10. And let’s not forget that turd-burglar, Lurker Guy. Always under-foot or over-shoulder. Lacking the authority to be a micro manager but every-present for the most banal of goings-on.

  11. Oh the cursed reply all. Not that I’ve ever been that guy.

  12. How about the office’s off-key whistler, who will just not shut up and keeps breaking your concentration. And he always has a smile on his face, even on a Monday morning! When asked to stop whistling, he first asks in a very innocent tone of voice, how he could possibly be annoying you with his “music”. He will subsequently revert to humming for precisely fifteen seconds, after which he resumes his Adagio for Cats being Strangled in D-major, but louder than before. Ever met him? Next time you do, do us all a favour and strangle him!

  13. U cant hate someone do death, but u can hate them into little things. The curse usually works like this: grrrr, fuckn mrfckr -evil eye stare- spill that coffee on yourself next time you make spread ur stupid arms to show everyone what big means. Come on God/karma universe powers, u know he deserves it. Just one spill and ill be fine with my bladder exploding.

  14. Hate that end of the meeting question guy! ARRRGGGHHHH!

  15. My office has the annoying “Bathroom Lingerer” who I like to call “Shitfinger”! It never fails; this tool likes to come in and hang out in the restroom every time someone is taking a dump. He’ll wash his hands, comb his hair or just stand there and look stupid. It’s my theory that he just likes the smell of a nice fresh turd, a shitisseur of sorts!

  16. Banned two of the One Uppers from a forum just last week … dipshits just couldn’t understand that we don’t need to deal with their asshattery. Ugh.

  17. John Erickson Says:

    The “Peter principle” sterling example. The one idiot in a technical shop (car repair, data processing, whatever) who has NO brains or education on the topic material, so you have to explain EVERYTHING in a detail that would bore a 2-year-old. Truly annoying as the front-desk person in an auto repair shop, when the fat old dude knows NOTHING about cars, and my wife knows more than most mechanics!
    By the way, if you EVER try the “now, little girl” patronising routine on her, you are guaranteed to be the lead soprano on the Vienna Boys Choir faster than the speed of light – or pain! 😀

  18. […] Rant: That Guy Part Three I posted about “That Guy” a while back, and got some great reader commentary that fueled not one but two sequel posts (here, […]

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