The Investigation Of My Sleep – Continued
Okay, I’ve put at least two solid posts up here describing the sonic torture I can inflict on everyone in mine and surrounding counties due to my snoring issue. I believe the last post was in November where I tried once again for a clear answer about the level of fucked-up-edness in my sinuses and throat. Check out the background here.
So flash forward to today… yes, over two months later – what would Socialist Military Health Care be without inefficiency? Anyway, I got a call recently regarding my Matrix experience back in November. Funny thing is, contrary to the very first one I had waaaaay back in 2008, apparently I’m no longer in danger of suffocating myself with my own tongue, and the number of calls to police across the river in Missouri have dropped. I have no idea.
Anyway, I’m now due to speak to a specialist about my snoring as it was measured last November. I’ll more than likely come up with some quite fruity and pungent comment on that particular experience later, but right now, I’m sitting here looking at the thirty-page questionnaire I had to fill out just to facilitate talking to a doctor for a half-hour. Really. We have reached administrivial overload, Houston, ejecting…
I ignored a full six pages of medical releases because they ask for too much information. My left toe length, penis size, and email address are not relevant. More to the point of this post, the freakier questions and my choice, written responses:
- Family History: Father’s cause of death: “oldness”
- How much alcohol do you drink? – “enough”
- Does rigorous exertion cause chest pain? – “Duh”
- Have you ever coughed up blood? – “See the ‘how much alcohol’ answer”
- Have you had black bowel movements? – “Why you gotta go and be like that? Can’t we all just get along, you racist bitch?”
- Do people misunderstand you? – ” *sob* “
- Are you easily upset or irritated? – “WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE, MR. QUESTIONNAIRE! EAT MY UNDERWEAR!!”
- Are you always miserable and blue? – “No. I normally am mildly amused and a shade of puce.”
- Please explain what wakes you up at night? – “An epic piss”
- Do you flail or kick in your sleep? – “Only in self-defense. I have mad ninja skillz”
- I am disturbed by nightmares – “Nightmares are erotic when there are hot Salma vampires”
- Is there a family history of snoring? – “Yes, and I beat my Dad on the loudness scale! Score!”
- My usual beverage is… – “Beer”
- Do you often wish you were dead and away from it all? – “WTF??? Are you fucking serious?”
As you can likely tell, they’re probably going to have to attempt to fix me in more than one particular way. Still and all, the rantiness must be vented, and idiots must be bitch-slapped, even if using only questionnaire answers.