The Investigation Of My Sleep – Continued

Okay, I’ve put at least two solid posts up here describing the sonic torture I can inflict on everyone in mine and surrounding counties due to my snoring issue. I believe the last post was in November where I tried once again for a clear answer about the level of fucked-up-edness in my sinuses and throat. Check out the background here.

So flash forward to today… yes, over two months later – what would Socialist Military Health Care be without inefficiency? Anyway, I got a call recently regarding my Matrix experience back in November. Funny thing is, contrary to the very first one I had waaaaay back in 2008, apparently I’m no longer in danger of suffocating myself with my own tongue, and the number of calls to police across the river in Missouri have dropped. I have no idea.

Anyway, I’m now due to speak to a specialist about my snoring as it was measured last November. I’ll more than likely come up with some quite fruity and pungent comment on that particular experience later, but right now, I’m sitting here looking at the thirty-page questionnaire I had to fill out just to facilitate talking to a doctor for a half-hour. Really. We have reached administrivial overload, Houston, ejecting…

I ignored a full six pages of medical releases because they ask for too much information. My left toe length, penis size, and email address are not relevant. More to the point of this post, the freakier questions and my choice, written responses:

  • Family History: Father’s cause of death: “oldness”
  • How much alcohol do you drink? – “enough”
  • Does rigorous exertion cause chest pain? – “Duh”
  • Have you ever coughed up blood? – “See the ‘how much alcohol’ answer”
  • Have you had black bowel movements? – “Why you gotta go and be like that? Can’t we all just get along, you racist bitch?”
  • Do people misunderstand you? – ”  *sob* “
  • Are you easily upset or irritated? – “WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE, MR. QUESTIONNAIRE! EAT MY UNDERWEAR!!”
  • Are you always miserable and blue? – “No. I normally am mildly amused and a shade of puce.”
  • Please explain what wakes you up at night? – “An epic piss”
  • Do you flail or kick in your sleep? – “Only in self-defense. I have mad ninja skillz”
  • I am disturbed by nightmares – “Nightmares are erotic when there are hot Salma vampires”
  • Is there a family history of snoring? – “Yes, and I beat my Dad on the loudness scale! Score!”
  • My usual beverage is… – “Beer”
  • Do you often wish you were dead and away from it all? – “WTF??? Are you fucking serious?”

As you can likely tell, they’re probably going to have to attempt to fix me in more than one particular way. Still and all, the rantiness must be vented, and idiots must be bitch-slapped, even if using only questionnaire answers.


27 Responses to “The Investigation Of My Sleep – Continued”

  1. Your answers are epic. Well done.

  2. In my house we don’t use the S word. We call it healthy sleep breathing (i.e., the sound produced by a deep and restful sleep) and if it bothers anyone, they can go sleep on the sofa. It’s all in the way you look at it.

  3. Wha – ?! You get a whole half hour with your doctor? Cjhweez. I get les than 7 minutes with the thyroid specialist – thanks to the obesity epidemic and resultant overrun of people w/ diabetes in the waiting room…And how long does it take to tell them “Eat Less. Excercise more”?

    Good luck with the outcome there – you may end up with one of those giant gas masks strapped to your head everynight, though. But imagine how threatening you’ll look when startled from your sleep by a burglar, jumping out of your bed wearing (?) and a gas mask.

  4. Probably just a 30 min appointment so the doc can have the rest of the day to clear his head. Or to see his shrink for therapy because of you….

  5. Okay, this was hysterical! My abs hurt from laughing…

    You know, given those answers, you’re going to have to fill out a 200 page questionaire to see a physician about your bloody stool issues now.

  6. Fun post. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without a sharp elbow jab to my side halfway through. (My instructions were “a gentle nudge to make me move”.) And I wouldn’t change a thing.

  7. Great answers… I wonder if “they” were so amused by your answers, that they now want to give you some sort of “mental health” test…

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I am amazed that you can use the words: fucked-up-edness, Socialist Military Health Care, administrivial overload, and puce all in one post..then end your tale with someone getting bitch-slapped…
    and make me laugh my ass off.

  9. Ah, the wonderfulness (I’m attempting to use words ye, the Master, might coin!). Having just exited the dentist’s office for the fourth time (without killing the incompetent morons or, gasp, even swearing!), I needed this relief! Thank you. Next time, I know what else to put on those forms; current standard answers: “Sex?” Yes, but you’re not my type. “Preferred doctor?” Yes, I don’t think the homeless guy by the door has washed his hands since he was born. Well, yeah, I’m still learning, Master! 🙂

  10. I think it’s going to take more than one doctor to fix you my friend!

  11. Outstanding post. Hilarious

  12. A few years ago when I worked in an office with some really nasty people I came up with a little abbreviation so I could swear my head off without anyone knowing – F.O.
    A.D. (rhymes with toad). It means fuck off & die. Until I read your rant today I didn’t know anyone else who used that particular expression. You’re welcome to use my abbreviation if you’re ever in a situation where you can’t swear (although I highly doubt you would ever find yourself in that kind of situation).

  13. […] Should you have lots of time, click these in order from left to right and read: Here, here, here, and here. I arranged those all chronologically and shit. Just for you, […]

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