Cooking With Rants: Kick Ass Ribs

I once thought I made good ribs. Then I started swapping techniques with co-workers. Now that I’ve ascended to Rib Nirvana and become the Rib God, I see how foolish I was before. This ribby manna was what packed my gut as I attempted to give a shit about who won the SuperDuperBowl. Now, in color, my technique. Try it, you won’t be sorry.

Phase Zero: Buy your ribs. I prefer pork to beef based on the flavor. For preparation, I cut the ribs apart into sections of three to four ribs each.

Phase One: The Boiling. I parboil my ribs. If you want true fall-off-the-bone ribs, you can’t go wrong with parboiling. I have tried foil-wrapping, and was about as successful at that as I was with whiteboy rapping. Add salt, pepper, garlic, onion, basil, oregano, and bay leaves to the water. The magic ingredient here is vinegar, and the cheap white vinegar used to clean windows works just great. Add about one cup per two gallons of water. This will tenderize the tougher parts and is Special Trick #1. Boil until the meat is essentially cooked.

Phase Two: The Sealing. Prepare your grill with an even bed of coals. Now is when you want to add any hickory chips to flavor the meat. Before you start, have a spray bottle with lemon juice ready to go. Put the rib sections on and spray them down. Let them smoke/cook on one side, then flip, spray, and repeat. Do the tops and bottoms at least twice. The lemon juice seals in the moisture of the ribs, so this is Special Trick #2.

Phase Three: The Flavoring. This part is where you slather on the barbecue sauce. Use whatever you like. I buy bottled shit and then fix it myself, meaning, I add a bunch of shit I won’t bother listing. However, I do always add cayenne, mustard, molasses and sometimes Jack Daniels (to the sauce, too). The point is, use what you like to eat. You should note at this point that all you’re doing is adding a coating of flavor because the ribs are basically done. Don’t carbonize the sauce on the ribs, just get them good and sticky.

Phase Four: The Gluttony. This time- and effort-intensive process is done. Now start sucking the meat right off the bone. You’ll wonder why you bothered with the slaw, potato salad and rolls. I recommend beer as a beverage, just because.

Additional Tip: Throw the bones in your garden. That will distract the animals that would otherwise gnaw on your vegetables. That, or it will attract predator animals that will scare away the vegetable-gnawers. It helps with the soil, too. Don’t we all feel greener?



29 Responses to “Cooking With Rants: Kick Ass Ribs”

  1. aaaah (^.^). I swear I feel enlightened! Definitely gonna try this the next time we get around to a bbq at home, although much as I’d like to add jd I don’t think that’s gonna happen :-/ . Brilliant stuff.

  2. You won’t be disappointed. And the sauce in the sauce is completely optional.

  3. I make awesome ribs but I’ll need to try this recipe out. It sounds rantastic!

  4. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Oh my goodness…that does sound rantastic for sure! Hate I missed your whiteboy rapping days…that would have been something…you are full of surprises this morning..

  5. 0930, at my desk, and now fiending for ribs…

  6. This sounds great, going to have to try making this for the BF this week! Thanks for the tips.

  7. This sounds bizarre, but my granddad’s favorite rib recipe was parboiling in Dr. Pepper, then rubbing in liquid hickory smoke and BBQ sauce afterward. You talk about finger-lickin’ good…

  8. I like to eat cupcakes…can we put that in the sauce?

  9. I particularly like phase one and phase four. Good tips. I like a good dry rub on mine, but I do them a bit different. The first rub I made was almost inedible.

  10. I used to feed bones to my dog, because bitches love bones. … Well, my dog is a male, but anyway, he doesn’t eat them anymore. Why am I telling you this?
    Cool post. Cheers.

  11. Your spam me botton scares! Laughs. Hope it eventually enables a ‘follow’?

  12. jennygoth Says:

    id have to stick with the coleslaw and potato salad but id do the meat for others and my dog would love the bones hows you brainrants xxjen

  13. John Erickson Says:

    You DO realise it’s easier to wrap whiteboys if you knock them out first? Pretty much any colour boy wraps MUCH easier while unconscious.
    What’s that?
    Wrong wrapping?
    Oh … never mind….. 😀

  14. […] Any of you want to join in the party, here’s the recipe: read here. […]

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