Cooking With Rants: Kick Ass Ribs
I once thought I made good ribs. Then I started swapping techniques with co-workers. Now that I’ve ascended to Rib Nirvana and become the Rib God, I see how foolish I was before. This ribby manna was what packed my gut as I attempted to give a shit about who won the SuperDuperBowl. Now, in color, my technique. Try it, you won’t be sorry.
Phase Zero: Buy your ribs. I prefer pork to beef based on the flavor. For preparation, I cut the ribs apart into sections of three to four ribs each.
Phase One: The Boiling. I parboil my ribs. If you want true fall-off-the-bone ribs, you can’t go wrong with parboiling. I have tried foil-wrapping, and was about as successful at that as I was with whiteboy rapping. Add salt, pepper, garlic, onion, basil, oregano, and bay leaves to the water. The magic ingredient here is vinegar, and the cheap white vinegar used to clean windows works just great. Add about one cup per two gallons of water. This will tenderize the tougher parts and is Special Trick #1. Boil until the meat is essentially cooked.
Phase Two: The Sealing. Prepare your grill with an even bed of coals. Now is when you want to add any hickory chips to flavor the meat. Before you start, have a spray bottle with lemon juice ready to go. Put the rib sections on and spray them down. Let them smoke/cook on one side, then flip, spray, and repeat. Do the tops and bottoms at least twice. The lemon juice seals in the moisture of the ribs, so this is Special Trick #2.
Phase Three: The Flavoring. This part is where you slather on the barbecue sauce. Use whatever you like. I buy bottled shit and then fix it myself, meaning, I add a bunch of shit I won’t bother listing. However, I do always add cayenne, mustard, molasses and sometimes Jack Daniels (to the sauce, too). The point is, use what you like to eat. You should note at this point that all you’re doing is adding a coating of flavor because the ribs are basically done. Don’t carbonize the sauce on the ribs, just get them good and sticky.
Phase Four: The Gluttony. This time- and effort-intensive process is done. Now start sucking the meat right off the bone. You’ll wonder why you bothered with the slaw, potato salad and rolls. I recommend beer as a beverage, just because.
Additional Tip: Throw the bones in your garden. That will distract the animals that would otherwise gnaw on your vegetables. That, or it will attract predator animals that will scare away the vegetable-gnawers. It helps with the soil, too. Don’t we all feel greener?