Rant: Gym Clowns

Even noobs on this site will have by now noted that I loves to eat me some food. After that, I love to shout about how much I love food. Because shouting – relatively speaking – is a bad way to burn all the calories I take in, I’m left with little alternative than to visit the gym on a regular basis.

This routine keeps the jiggling to a minimum and entropy at bay. At least for the moment. I have a moderately simple routine – cardio, abs, and various upper-body lifting to keep me strong enough to heave those tank rounds I adore so much. Oh, and prevent moobs. We cannot develop moobs…

So I think at this point it would be perfectly understandable if I took out my RantBox, stood on it, and complained about those dillweeds I endure in a gym setting that keep me from getting down to business. I call these folks Gym Clowns, and while they think they’re doing something productive, experienced gym rats know they merely clog the equipment for those of us who know what the fuck we’re doing.

Let’s review the roster of jackwagons I tolerate when sweaty and fragrant:

Mirror Lookers: Without fail, these are men, and while they look like they’re lifting, close analysis will show that they perform fewer than 20 reps of a weight under 30 pounds, all of which are bicep-related. This workout takes them at least two hours. The rest of the time they’re planted directly in front of the dumbbell rack – how ironic is that shit – gazing in the mirror at their lack of work in progress.

Hidden Agenda People: Either male or female, these fucktards show up showered, in immaculate ‘workout clothes’ and proceed to casually loaf from machine to machine without ever needing to do a courtesy wipe-off of the seat or bench. Why? Because they never break a sweat. The guys’ hair never gets messed, and the ladies come with makeup on. You figure it out. These folks would benefit more from MyFace or SpaceBook… or whatever that shit is.

Cardio Cockblocks: Again, these come in either gender and all sizes. The frustrating behavior exhibited is taking up a treadmill or elliptical machine and using it at a pace slower than glaciers creep. I like climbing aboard immediately adjacent to them and proceeding to fling my sweat all over them. But I hate when all the cardio machines are full and these snails are cockblocking my workout.

Chatty Kathi / Kenni: These douches (naturally spelled with a trailing ‘-i’) are so fucking popular that they can’t stop conversating long enough to remember why the hell they wandered into the building. Standing off to the side, they aren’t a problem. But when one sits on the next Hammer Strength you’re needing to hurt yourself on, exercising nothing more than their jaw, then they’re asking for said body part to be broken.

How these folks evade the plates I ‘accidentally’ drop, roll, and casually let slip from my grip in a full overhand pitch I will never know. I blame the burning fatigue I induce upon myself.

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30 Responses to “Rant: Gym Clowns”

  1. I agree……….. as far as the frigging chicks with full on makeup and spandex doing .5 mph on the tread… the gallon of perfume they wear to suffocate others just tops it all off.
    Really? Perfume? At the GYM?!

  2. Then these people spill over into the races, as I ranted about in my “12 Marathon ‘Minders” last month. I actually saw a couple of them wearing bona fide clown outfits. I will confess I once hogged a treadmill for a snail’s pace for an hour, but I was 39 weeks pregnant and trying to self-induce labor. It worked.

  3. And this is why I don’t go to the gym. Well, that and I don’t want to.

  4. mkultra76 Says:

    I agree on all counts. May I add a couple? The ones who park themselves on the incline treadmill and dispite their pace, do not INCLINE. There are regular treadmills right over there! Use them!! And the ones who do not wipe down the equipment when they are done. Don’t get it…not difficult…ugh…

  5. Well, I’m a noob here. I must say that your observations are hysterical, mostly because they are so spot-on. Last time I was at a gym (eons ago) there was a sweet young thing poking along on the treadmill beside me on flip-flops. Had to at least give her credit for not being fake; she was there to stare at other people and didn’t bother hiding it. (She didn’t sweat either.)

  6. I don’t go to gyms … the food sucks and they rarely have desserts.

  7. Oh, the chatters… the chatters…

    I also can’t stand the “Pee (metaphorically) on the equipment” guys. They drop towels, water bottles, workout stat charts, anything on equipment in order to claim it as “Mine! Mine!” for the next hour.

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    uh-huh….I see you give mental nicknames, too….and Chatty Kathy (no ‘i’) was my most favorite doll in the whole wide world..I had forgotten about her. I thought weebles were my fav but you “jogged” my memory.

  9. John Erickson Says:

    Have you considered attempting to be Mr. Popularity among these rejects? You must, though, be sure to coat your palm with axle grease (viscosity 140, minimum) before shaking hands. Then enjoy the show as they try to grab equipment or pick up the (appropriately named) dumbbells.
    Alternately, swinging a baseball bat with a nice 10 pound weight on it is both a good upper body and cardio workout. And you need to shower afterward, anyway, and blood washes as easily as sweat……

  10. You forgot looking to pick up younger women guy who strolls from machine to machine talking to the 20 year olds and never actually lifts a weight.

    I go to a woman’s gym and the only real problem we have is he lady who smells like tacos in the cardio room.

  11. Dude, how can you NOT MENTION THE GYM LOCKER ROOM FREAKS?

    Wait, you’re probably saving that for it’s own post, considering how much fodder there is on that topic… men’s or women’s locker rooms are a freaking scary place.

  12. You also forgot the people on the treadmill who do Incline and then hold on to the treadmill instead of…gasp, shock and dismay…walking uphill. I just feel like telling them that it doesn’t count if you have to hold on, unless you are climbing everest.

  13. Yeah, I used to go to the gym. But then I found out I was in better shape than my size 2 ex-sister-in-law when we went together and I burned 4000 calories on the elliptical without breaking a sweat while she only burned 500 and was panting like a dog. So I thought to myself, “Self, I’m good. Exercise sux butt.”

  14. Do we go to the same gym??!

    The make up / perfect hair chicks really piss me off. When I arrive I don’t look that good and I sure as hell don’t look even remotely “dolled up” when I am finished.. ?!

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