Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part Three
Well, after a particularly drunken restful long weekend, it is inevitable that I have either created or remembered a few more gems (or rocks, as the value of them lies in the beholder) that have fallen out of the tumbler that is my largely-empty head. Believe it or not, there are rules to this shit – okay, well, there is only one rule: I have to have actually said out loud anything I claim here in this ongoing series of wrongness. Originality is optional, though 98% of these I not only created but did so right in the moment.
I have actually said the following out loud, and some louder than others:
“I would rather just pound my nuts flat with a hammer.”
“Was I there for that?” (Used when other people recall events differently than I do)
“That’s awful for you. Need some vinegar and cotton now?”
“I’m gonna go outside and suck-start my pistol.” (During moments of military fuckery. Sounds dirty – it’s not)
“Okay, that loud popping sound was my head coming out of my ass.”
“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” (Expression of amazement)
“Submit your request in triplicate for final rejection.”
“The only think keeping my eyebrows from growing together are my thumbs.”
“That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m drinking my ass out of the frame tonight.”
“Nobody get excited but I’m about to jam my pen into my eye socket to stay awake for this shit.”
Yes, in fact, I am a one-man show. I am waiting for Fox or NBC to call. In the meantime, enjoy the third installment.
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This entry was posted on February 1, 2012 at 05:41 and is filed under Humor, Official Shit I Said Out Loud with tags biscuit, humor, life, pistol, saying. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
BrainRants 
February 1, 2012 at 06:20
I like number three. I think I’ll use that one during my next painful conversation with my 18yr old chronically complaining daughter. Thanks.
February 1, 2012 at 07:38
And coming from another woman makes is all the more epic. Let me know how that turns out!
February 1, 2012 at 06:20
I love this blog. Good shit and a lot of fun.
February 1, 2012 at 07:38
Thanks! Come by any time.
February 1, 2012 at 07:24
I’ve always been a fan of “Did your parents have any children who lived?”
I could never do a list like this, mostly because I can’t remember what I’ve said from one minute to the next.
No, I don’t listen to me either…
February 1, 2012 at 07:39
Dude, you have to cultivate the voices in your head. Sometimes they help.
February 1, 2012 at 08:31
You’re funnier than most…
February 1, 2012 at 09:04
Wow. Thank you!
February 1, 2012 at 08:49
I actually said “I’d rather be thrown naked into a pit of hungry wolverines” the other day. I don’t think you want to know what the alternative was.
February 1, 2012 at 09:05
A seething vat of pissed off fire ants.
February 1, 2012 at 09:13
We’ve used the “Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” Enjoyed them all, but, nooo! Not the seething vat of pissed off fire ants! Those bugs are THE worst! 😛
February 1, 2012 at 10:37
Try running over a pile with a lawnmower in the “mulch” configuration…
February 1, 2012 at 09:40
Just hilarious. That last one – just the phrase for training sessions. thanks
February 1, 2012 at 10:37
I use it frequently when PowerPoint is used.
February 1, 2012 at 10:06
I like the “Suck start my pistol” expression, but presume having lots of guns around makes it more impressive. I have a few wooden spatulas at my disposal – but somehow “Nobody get excited, but I’m going to go stand over that frying pan and peel off my pre-cortex” just doesn’t have the same zing.
February 1, 2012 at 10:38
Actually I find that quite funny!
February 1, 2012 at 11:34
Good list, although I don’t get the reference to vinegar & cotton – is it a southern thing?
One of my husband’s favorites for when I have a cold or something hurts me – “Should I go get the gun?”
One of my favorites – “Are you sniffing glue?”
February 1, 2012 at 13:24
I’ve used the glue-sniffing one often.
February 1, 2012 at 11:52
Ha, in triplicate made me laugh. I know I was there for that.
February 1, 2012 at 13:25
It’s kind of an Army thing, but it works in any bureaucratic organization.
February 1, 2012 at 12:41
That’s the best expression of amazement I’ve heard so far. And for the rest of my life.
February 1, 2012 at 13:25
Well hang out because I’ll probably remember a better one eventually.
February 1, 2012 at 18:35
With your permission, I plan to amend #1 to reflect my gender and reference having a mammogram instead…
February 1, 2012 at 20:18
I’d say that’s completely allowed.
February 1, 2012 at 21:00
“Well, slap me silly and call me Margaret” has had great success in my experience. I have used “I wasn’t ignoring you, I just wasn’t giving a crap” on rare occasion. Though my absolute fave (borrowed) is “I do the work of 3 men around here – Moe, Larry, and Curly”. Accompanied by the finger-snapping-fist-slapping move of Curly’s, it works wonders!
February 2, 2012 at 04:58
I like your second one. I have a few like that too.
February 1, 2012 at 22:02
It’s me again Martha.