Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part Three

Well, after a particularly drunken restful long weekend, it is inevitable that I have either created or remembered a few more gems (or rocks, as the value of them lies in the beholder) that have fallen out of the tumbler that is my largely-empty head. Believe it or not, there are rules to this shit – okay, well, there is only one rule: I have to have actually said out loud anything I claim here in this ongoing series of wrongness. Originality is optional, though 98% of these I not only created but did so right in the moment.

I have actually said the following out loud, and some louder than others:

“I would rather just pound my nuts flat with a hammer.”

“Was I there for that?” (Used when other people recall events differently than I do)

“That’s awful for you. Need some vinegar and cotton now?”

“I’m gonna go outside and suck-start my pistol.” (During moments of military fuckery. Sounds dirty – it’s not)

“Okay, that loud popping sound was my head coming out of my ass.”

“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” (Expression of amazement)

“Submit your request in triplicate for final rejection.”

“The only think keeping my eyebrows from growing together are my thumbs.”

“That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m drinking my ass out of the frame tonight.”

“Nobody get excited but I’m about to jam my pen into my eye socket to stay awake for this shit.”

Yes, in fact, I am a one-man show. I am waiting for Fox or NBC to call. In the meantime, enjoy the third installment.

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27 Responses to “Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part Three”

  1. I like number three. I think I’ll use that one during my next painful conversation with my 18yr old chronically complaining daughter. Thanks.

  2. bloohmoon Says:

    I love this blog. Good shit and a lot of fun.

  3. I’ve always been a fan of “Did your parents have any children who lived?”
    I could never do a list like this, mostly because I can’t remember what I’ve said from one minute to the next.
    No, I don’t listen to me either…

  4. You’re funnier than most…

  5. I actually said “I’d rather be thrown naked into a pit of hungry wolverines” the other day. I don’t think you want to know what the alternative was.

  6. We’ve used the “Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!” Enjoyed them all, but, nooo! Not the seething vat of pissed off fire ants! Those bugs are THE worst! 😛

  7. Just hilarious. That last one – just the phrase for training sessions. thanks

  8. I like the “Suck start my pistol” expression, but presume having lots of guns around makes it more impressive. I have a few wooden spatulas at my disposal – but somehow “Nobody get excited, but I’m going to go stand over that frying pan and peel off my pre-cortex” just doesn’t have the same zing.

  9. Good list, although I don’t get the reference to vinegar & cotton – is it a southern thing?
    One of my husband’s favorites for when I have a cold or something hurts me – “Should I go get the gun?”
    One of my favorites – “Are you sniffing glue?”

  10. Ha, in triplicate made me laugh. I know I was there for that.

  11. That’s the best expression of amazement I’ve heard so far. And for the rest of my life.

  12. With your permission, I plan to amend #1 to reflect my gender and reference having a mammogram instead…

  13. John Erickson Says:

    “Well, slap me silly and call me Margaret” has had great success in my experience. I have used “I wasn’t ignoring you, I just wasn’t giving a crap” on rare occasion. Though my absolute fave (borrowed) is “I do the work of 3 men around here – Moe, Larry, and Curly”. Accompanied by the finger-snapping-fist-slapping move of Curly’s, it works wonders!

  14. Anonymous Says:

    It’s me again Martha.

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