A Rant On Shaving

Every morning, it’s the same damn routine. Get up, pee, do the coffee machine, and shuffle back into the bathroom to scrape my teeth and brush my face. Or vice-versa, usually. Not that I actually retain much detail of this daily ritual since I’m only partially out of my coma at that time.

By now all of you dedicated readers know that I’m in the Army and I am bald by choice. Somwhere there’s a post on that – waaay back methinks – but I’m digressing. Being digressional. Whatthefuckever. So given those two facts you know I spend more than an average amount of time with a razor in my hand and something foamy on my head and face. Yeah, that sounded kinky. But what I’m talking about is shaving, and I’m really not wild about it.

To be clear, peeling my dome every week is not a big deal. After all, it’s 98% convex, supported by a thick layer of dense material, and also thankfully lacks the same number of nerve endings as my face. That combination of characteristics makes for an easy, efficient, and completely undramatic experience. I’d offer that it also takes some time to accomplish, so right there is enough justification to have a beer with me in the shower. Score!

The lower, unattractive part of my head however, is another story altogether. By Army Regulation, I’m expected to show up daily with a clean-shaven face. The complicating issue here is that my beard area is only about 3% convex, mainly squishy to the touch, and of course is studded with a myriad of nerve endings ready to let me know when I fucked something up. Add to that the deepening folds and the fact that my facial hair seems to grow in about three differing directions and you have an unpleasant way to start every working day of your life. And I’ve been at this now for… *doing finger math* …close to 24 years.

Twenty-four years of mandatory shaving. The collegiate years count here because they were under Army auspices. My Dad advised the ‘with the grain’ technique when he taught me to shave, but at that point we’re mainly talking about teenboy sideburns only. By the time the full, random-pattern growth came in, I was fully into both the military and a daily sprouting of some dense, steel-wire Irish hair growth. It only took me one or two ass-reamings concerning my appearance to figure out that ‘against the grain’ was the only way to meet the implied standard.

Thus was born my daily ritual of pain. After 24 years of this, with small wads of toilet paper stuck to me, razor burn, and other painful phenomena, I’m sick of it. Completely and totally sick to death of it.

The great thing is, I have this blog on which to vent, and now I think I can continue for a while longer without harming myself or others.


39 Responses to “A Rant On Shaving”

  1. That’s why I use an electric razor most of the time. I also tend to take off one day without shaving (usually Saturday) and use a razor once a week (usually Sunday), but those are rules of thumb. Rules of thumb suck, too.

    • I definitely skip weekends entirely. Electrics do nothing for me whatsoever except when I’m in the field, which keeps me tolerable and prevents ingrown hairs.

  2. Thank the benevolent universe you’re not female and don’t have to shave your legs (and I won’t even mention waxing in this politc environment.)

  3. Nair that fucker.

  4. I’m just too damn lazy to shave, and now have a hell of a forest coming out of my face.
    I don’t know how well I’d have done in the army – when I do shave, I have 5 o’clock shadow by noon.

  5. i hate shaving, my legs mainly, but I hate it. I do it so I am not a hairy beast.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    When you retire..maybe you should grow a full beard and your hair down to your ass! I bet you could Rock that look!

  7. I was always excited to be able to shave my face “when I’m older.” Now I’m older, and I wish I was younger again.

  8. I skipped shaving today and no one will complain, well no one at work!

  9. Also always hated the shaving thing, so instead I waxed my legs. A little painful at the beginning, but each time you wax a little less comes back & finally almost nothing comes back. I have so little hair on my legs now I could go without touching it for a year & no one would notice. At least as a lady I have this option. Maybe Rant you should try electrolysis?

  10. Try being 5’8″ and shaving your legs every day. There’s no end. It’s a bitch. I switched to Nair. Maybe you should give that a try.

  11. Maybe you need to find a way to turn shaving from a painful chore into a pleasant diversion? I have some of instructional videos (at website link) that might help.

  12. Suck it up! Find a way to love it or love a way to hate it…. But seriously… I am happy you have a place to dump your woes so that others won’t feel your wrath.
    Don’t need you going all apeshit with a shaving implement or anything.. sheesh.
    Have a most stellar day.

  13. sediment_and_such Says:

    I always felt awful when I would see someone come from a lunchtime haircut at the PX. The sight of a man’s lower head being shaved down to the last layer of skin because it’s ‘within the regs’……..just tragic.

    Shaving profile, hooah 🙂

  14. All these people giving you sympathy .. When really … all you need to do is:

    Harden the hell up!


    I was going to suggest electrolysis but then the beard comment was made .. maybe waxing? Can I do it??? Still want me to come visit? LMAO..

    • NO WAXING. NO ELECTRICITY. What kind of medieval bullshit is this? I’d just prefer to scrape it off, you know? Even though I despise it. Thanks, though.

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