Training Day: Being Like OJ So Much It Hertz

Yeah, I know I have you all conditioned to expect a Random Thought from me every seven posts, but today you get this close-out thought about my trip home from what was an unexpected and possibly (or not) final Rants American Tour trip. Remember, we don’t want to goose Karma the wrong way because she’s a royal bitch.

First of all, I’d like to state for the record that Washington/Dulles Airport sucks ass. No, really, it sucks ass. You like long walks? Fly through there with a layover. Fuck me, and in this case, going and coming. They have a Five Guys, but in only one terminal. The Airport Rules clearly state that if you have terminals beyond “Terminal A,” then each terminal shall have equivalent if not identical food. Additionally, escalator obstacles aren’t fucking funny – go up one, walk 50 feet, go down one. WTF? What crack addict designed that place? Chicago/O’Hare is easier to get around at rush hour with all the non-English speakers crowding the terminals.

If you are condemned to ride in an aircraft with a three-seat width, you are fucked. Completely and totally fucked. Ok, maybe only if you’re taller than 5’5″ or so. The good news was I was seated in Aisle “A” twice – the single-seat on the lefthand side of the airplane. The bad news is I’m now curved to the right like a banana laying on it’s side… or something. I hurt. Also, like rear-wheel drive cars, they skid all the fuck over the sky. So bad it makes reading a book difficult. That or the pilot was drunk… which I’d have to be to have the sack to fly that fuckwagon model of airplane.

One upside to my journey back to Kansas was the random and unexpected bout of a workout I got when I landed in Dulles with about five minutes to get to my connecting gate. Did I mention that sitting in a seat designed for Ooompa Loompas while sweating profusely is less than appealing? I kind of like to do the whole cool-down walk after running flat-out for three straight miles (with a 2-minute tram ride in the middle). I’d like to also take this opportunity to apologize publicly for:

The brain damage my laptop bag probably inflicted on the Thai kid whose reaction time was subpar, the nun who failed to hit me and wrap-up her arms like a good defensive back ought to, and the fifteen random people I probably broke bones in who were the victim of me checking out a Salma Hayek lookalike while at a full-out 25mph sprint. Physics sucks, dudes.

I have to go pick up my bag back at the airport today at some point. It was still in Dulles when I got to KC.

Fucking. Awesome.


18 Responses to “Training Day: Being Like OJ So Much It Hertz”

  1. How does that one compare to the aairport in Orlando or Atlanta? You paint a picture for me with your story. I’ve only experiences two larger airports though.

  2. Sounds like a good work out. My best one was a connecting flight in Houston where the incoming was 30 minutes late arriving and the whole terminal came to a screeching shut-down for an hour as I’m trying to get to the next flight at the total opposite end of the terminal (talk about a bad design!). So this then 55-year-old was hauling ass at a dead run to get there, and they told me my seat was given away. After a few choice words, she finally said ‘just go take any seat available’…which I did!. The thunderstorm we rode through was a piece of cake after all that.
    I hate flying!

  3. Great post. Thanks for sharing!

  4. Ugh, I hate misplaced bags and flying in the middle of the middle.

  5. During my sophomore year of undergrad, my father, who loves to save money, found this really cheap ticket one way from Nashville to Nassau, Bahamas (home). It was ok I thought. I flew from Nashville to Charlotte on US Airways, then from Charlotte to Orlando, then Orlando to FT. Lauderdale. Now, you know as an international student going home for summer, I had to take as many things with me as possible. So the two connections already had me tired. When I get to Ft. Lauderdale, I find out that I was changing airlines, US Airways to Continental. I had to claim my luggage, all three 38 lb bags, get out of the terminal, flag down a golf cart, run across another terminal to check in, then run down the concourse to get to my plane. I thought then, that everything would be fine, cause the jet was there ready to go. That was until the jet moved out of the way and took off, revealing the 12 seater plane out on the tarmac. I had to walk out there too. I have MVP which makes me a very anxious/nervous person, so I had a panic attack from we took off, till we landed in Nassau. That landing was not pretty. I didn’t work out for a week.

  6. Now that you’re back to government work, I have an unattributable quote for you.
    If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be, “meetings”.
    Glad you’re (temporarily) back to NORMAL?

  7. If you wish, I could amputate your legs at the knee with a chainsaw, and then you could have a handicapped seat… but I suppose you probably wouldn’t be going on as many trips then.

  8. itchemeyer Says:

    Thats a great visual at the end there 🙂

  9. John Erickson Says:

    Atlanta ain’t fun if you have to get from one “pod” to another. LAX is absolutely great when you fly in at 5:30am on the “redeye”. Otherwise, not so much. Midway is great for people getting places, cause it’s packed on top of itself. Now, flying out, watching your landing gear bouncing from rooftop to rooftop, is a REAL experience! 😉

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