AutoTopic: You’re In Charge of Writing Messages in Fortune Cookies

Another prompt from the AutoTopicGenerator.  I really could go on for a long time building this one. In fact, this one has floated around my Drafts folder for months, so now fortune cookie fortune authors have a newfound respect from me. I also can’t fathom being at a desk all day with a tiny pen filling out those tiny slips of paper. Such neat penmanship is rare, and at that scale of writing, downright amazing.

To be fair to myself, though, I opted to not use TheGoogle and believe I’ve come up with these on my own.  Apologies if I’ve replicated anything you’ve seen elsewhere. There is probably a lot of room for overlap, and some internet memes just fit too well:

“That wasn’t chicken you just ate”

“So sorry – the fortune cookie fortune writers are on strike”

“Maury Povich Says: You da Baby Daddy”

“Don’t Forget To Wipe”

“Reality TV is scripted”

“The ‘Droids you’re looking for aren’t here either”

“Bill Clinton just had sex with you”


“You will be hungry again in one hour”

“Everyone hates you, you’re fugly, and you’ll die poor and alone … psych! Just kidding!”

“Yes, this really is what its all about”

“What wisdom were you expecting?  I didn’t vote for him!”

Ok so that’s the best I can come up with after a few weeks of chipping away at this subject. As I mentioned, it’s one thing to write actual fortune cookie fortunes but quite another to make them sound funny.  Enjoy!


32 Responses to “AutoTopic: You’re In Charge of Writing Messages in Fortune Cookies”

  1. I have one: “If you want to be a turd, go lay in the yard”.

  2. I always was waiting to get one that said, “You’re looking in a cookie to find your fortune? You are fucking stupid. Go rob a bank and then you’ll have a fortune.”

  3. I like the ‘Droids’ – very clever. I read a blog a couple of weeks ago that included a recipe to make fortune cookies. I thought it would be lots of fun to come up with fortunes for my friends to read, then I got a little frustrated because I couldn’t think of any. Fortune cookie fortunes must be some bizarre art form.

  4. I always wanted cliff hanger fortune cookies:
    The meaning of life is —-
    Hoffa is buried at —-
    Soylent Green is —

    Maybe with the writing ending in a scrawl, like the writer just died…mysteriously…

  5. “You will find writing fortune cookies is not easy.”

  6. Hand-written fortunes no less! Any Canadian fortunes that I’ve seen have just been computer printed. “Dave! Why are you reading that slip of paper??! Dave??”

  7. “Happiness will always be your reward…no, wait, sorry, this fortune was meant for the person on your left.”

  8. EllieAnn Says:

    Dont’ forget to wipe. LoL!

  9. * Once the MSG kicks in, you will spend much time in a small smelly room

  10. ‘I hope you didn’t eat this piece of paper’ was all I could come up with. Sad try.
    But, a bit off topic, I don’t get autotopics anymore, but WordPress tries to make me believe that 80 posts are my way of fortune. And after that, happiness will only occur at 90 posts.
    And so on.
    Where did autotopics go?

  11. I suck. I’ve got nothing. The lack of carbs is injuring my funny.

  12. “Man who argue with woman on elevator wrong on many levels”

  13. How about, ” your happiness is just a phone call away, 1-900-555-****” What? Im not giving out my number again.

    • Wow, another follower has expanded into a new niche market. HR, you may have discovered how to take this from bathroom stalls into respectable Chinese Buffet restaurants. You go, man!

  14. Man who pee into cash register find it runs into money.

  15. My God! It’s full of…Bullshit!

  16. Have you ever played that game “In Bed” or “In Prison” at the Chinese restaurant? Well, if you haven’t heard of it just read your crappy fortune and place the phrase “In Bed” at the end! Pretty good times!

    Nice post Rants!

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