Random Rant: Street Advertisers

The other day I had to go off post and into town for some business. As I pull out of the main gate to the installation where I live (military, not an outpatient mental facility)(no, really), I found myself sitting at the stoplight staring in utter confusion at two fucktards across the street.

Said fucktards were street advertisers. One of them was in a full-up Little Caesar outfit, big nose and olive branches pinned to his foam head and all. The other ‘tard was dressed in a very lame attempt at the Statue of Liberty. If you can call a blue-green toga over a white tee shirt Libertyesque. In fact the only thing that clearly indicated he (yeah, he) was supposed to be Lady Liberty was the silly blue foam spikes on his head.

Both of these butt nuggets were doing this sort of dance, waving. Caesar had a promotional sign. Liberty just kept throwing his hands in the air one after the other, like a wave but just short  of it. WTF is this? I asked myself. A club techno soundtrack would have been epic. Pass the X! Someone give these assberries some glow sticks!

Since there is a Little Casesar’s next to the 7-11 on that corner, the fucknut in the Roman getup made sense. But the Liberty guy? I could go on about how maybe any parody of the Statue of Liberty isn’t quite right, but that’s too obvious. In fact, my brain pan hijacked that thought quickly and led me into random considerations:

Does this stupidity actually work? I mean, really – does having a costumed douchebag in front of your business gain you more customers? If so, does the revenue earned cover the cost of paying the poor schmuck in the costume?

Is there a regulation or ordinance for this kind of thing? Kansas is pretty conservative, so I wonder what kind of rules cover this activity. Can they be only so tall? Or are there limits to what these folks can do?

Is there somewhere that trains these desperate people who wave in costumes? There are Schools for Trucking, so are there also ones like “Curbside Advertisers of America” or “Little Ceaesar’s School of Caesaring” or “Liberty Lady Liberty Training”? Is there a licensing requirement?

Do these folks have a union? Lady Liberty Street-Wavers Union, perhaps. If they go on strike, do they not demonstrate?

All that asshattery aside, maybe what bothered me most was the notion that I was aiming my car through downtown totally consumed by thoughts such as the above. Really. So what the fuck makes my brain do this shit? And why do these assholes keep poking the bear?


31 Responses to “Random Rant: Street Advertisers”

  1. Miss Liberty always comes out as we approach the income tax season…makes me reluctant to ever have that company ever do my taxes. I always feel sorry for those poor schmucks…they usually seem to be college-age, and jobs are hard to find. I hope they’re smart enough to never put that on their resume.
    You just need something more bizarre to rant about…or more normal?

  2. Fucktard…Butt Nugget…Asshattery…
    Brain Rants. An English lesson in every post.

    Could be worse – they could be in my neighborhood.

  3. mkultra76 Says:

    Too hilarious. We live right near a church that has barbeques when the weather is nice. They have a guy who dresses up as a chicken and hangs out and dances on the sidewalk when they’re bbq-ing. The really sad part of it is, when mentioned “the church” to my son, he said, “What church?” I said, “The church! You know, that church that has the weekend barbeques and that guy who dresses up as a chicken!” He replies, “Oh, that’s a CHURCH? I thought it was a barbeque joint!” Epic Fail.

  4. They must work to some extent or they wouldn’t use them. If there aren’t ordinances, there will be soon.

  5. I can’t believe you didn’t like my Little Caesar’s outfit! I find it highly entertaining to slip into a costume with a giant nose, and make an effort to bring joy to people while doing so, and all you do is bitch bitch bitch…

  6. It has just the opposite effect on me…I see street advertisers, sign twirlers or those flag thingies that have become so popular and I keep moving.

  7. Rich Crete Says:

    One of these dimshits actually did entice me to call the business…to report that the Statue of Liberty they were paying just grabbed his package and repeatedly air-thrusted at my my wife. I kid you not. Last tax season. Think they got their money’s worth?

  8. I reckon this seems to be an american thing, cos in britain all we have are those charity muggers. You know, those people who stand in a brightly coloured bib and ask you for money while jingling a pot in front of you and then try and make you feel bad for not donating. What they don’t quite seem to get is that if you have no change on you, you can’t donate. Stupid-ass pirates (NB: the hyphen can be moved around for varying humour results)

  9. John Erickson Says:

    Ain’t no school for these yahoos that I’m aware of. I’ve actually known a few people who have stooped this low – back in college, where some folk would do just about anything to pay the tuition.
    Now, you could have had some fun, and offered to see if Liberty was truly a lady. Or wait until you see one of the chickens, and hop out with firearm in hand, offering to hunt down dinner. If it can wait, I have a repro Roman sword I could mail you to hunt down Little Ceaser.
    If they’re gonna dress the part, they gotta be willing to play…..

  10. Okay, this is so random it is not even funny! This morning I read your post and I kid you not. This afternoon Lady Liberty walked into my office. She was making the rounds of the offices handing out little bags of popcorn and business cards for Liberty Tax Services. She proceeded to tell me how she would love to get a space in this complex because of the amount of traffic in front of it and how slow it moved. It would be great for their advertising. (Holding a sign while dressed as Lady Liberty on the sidewalk in front of the office.) She said she actually taught others how to handle the advertising. What a mind****! Life is full of amusing little moments!

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    There is a salon out by our mall that hires people to stand out at the intersections and hold up giant signs that say, “Free eyebrow Threading with hair cut!” They’re not in costume but they no looka like they should be in the beauty business… And I’m pretty sure threading means they spruce em up but I can’t shake the image of someone sewing on some new brows ….eeewww – annoys the hell outta me.

  12. Hold out for the guy with a 3-week-old beard dressed as Lady Liberty jockeying with an Uncle Sam for the best position on the street corner.

  13. Here in the Land ‘o Potatoes, any white trash felon can stand on a corner in very similar getups and wave signs around for very little money. Some of our ‘advertisers’ will dance a little jig to what is obviously some song in their head and some will stand there like the zombie meth heads that they are. Not sure if it works.

    Though we have a business friend who runs a pizza shop and he pays clean, dressed teens to hold signs near his place and it works for them. But how can you not support an all-american quarterback looking kid with pimples on his face lol.

  14. Erm, brains are easily occupied by unusual things. A friend and I have been talking for half an hour about a worm. Half an hour. And it was so damn amusing.

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