Freak Ass Spam #1

More random detritus that washes up on the shores of my blog. I’m thankful for this digital feces because it occasionally provides me a day of relief of coming up with shit to be ranty about. Note that I’ve not put any search terms here this time. I’ve elected to switch to separating the two because they were hard to synchronize, content-wise.

Tungsten – Dip me in chocolate and call me sweetheart. I finally can get all the fucking tungsten I need and explore my burning desire to break into the hand-crafted, artisan light bulb market. Party at Rants’ house!

World War 2 weapons – This is clearly spam that is intended for John Erickson. Oh, right! He doesn’t have a blog! Genius enough to weaponize an early 80’s Yugo and dispose of bodies, but can’t create a blog. That’s our John.

Cheap wedding favors – On one hand this sounds almost reasonable. On another, it sounds like a lead-in to a low-budget porn movie scene. Cue the chicka-wow-wow music.

Acnezine – We have a ‘zine for acne now? This kind of makes me throw up a little. I shudder at the possibilities in the ‘reader-submitted photo’ section and the weekly ‘Crac-ne’ photo award.

Scary Games – Scary games huh? You mean cool scary ones like “Let’s ride down a road in Afghanistan in an un-armored truck?” (five stars) Or is this just boring shit like, “Go down to the dark basement even though the creepy music is playing?” *yawn* (zero stars)

Meat broker NY – Fuck me raw. I missed my true calling: Meat Broker. Alternately, this could possibly be an ad for a male escort, in which case please keep reading while I go hurl.

This message, apparently from ‘Cake’: “cake (*http://website*) Okay post, but not the best Ive seen exactly. You should step it up or carrot will eat your position.” Words fail me. I have just been warned by cake that carrot may consume my position. This is so fucking-chunks bizarre my brain was just slapped rantless.

This message, from an ‘investment’ site – “An unputdownable discussion is couturier remark. I cerebrate that you should indite solon on this subject, it might not be a bias subordinate but mostly people are not enough to utter on such topics. To the succeeding. Cheers like your Degrees of Separation BrainRants.” This guy needs to get back to checking futures for his customers, but what really bothered me most about this spam was that I fucking understood what he was saying.

This note, from a random site – “Two fries short of a happy meal.” You wasted your time to tell me that? Like me and everyone reading this fucking blog doesn’t already know I’m not the roundest bowling ball in the rack. Jackwagon.

And another – “Teasy-my-easy-trade” Oh! I get it! No more yanky my wanky! Donger need food! Did I win?

I know this is a cheap shot technique at posting something every day. To be honest, the fuck I do not give about that would fill the room. Just trying to keep the smiles going.

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35 Responses to “Freak Ass Spam #1”

  1. Hey! Congratulations ok the 50K hits! 😀
    …..also ,no word ?

  2. And the fart that I do not give about the SPAM would knock your socks off! Good laugh, Rantman.

  3. I’d love to stay and comment, but Carrot is coming down the road to take my position. AND SQUASH RIDES WITH HIM!!!

  4. I actually know a chicken broker. She buys and sells truckloads of chickens. Doesn’t everybody?

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    “Two fries short of a happy meal.” – dang, that was kinda funny…you know you rock Rantman.

  6. I got a similar spam regarding carrot cake…”Hrm, Not the best post unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt! You should try some Norwegian carrot cake ( gulrotkake ) to cheer you up instead.” WTF is with the carrot cake??? Maybe it has magic properties…hmm…

  7. “What do you do for a living?”
    “Meat broker.”
    “Oh. Excuse me, I suddenly feel nauseous.”

  8. I gave a wedding favor once, but it was free… but nevermind about that.

  9. I wish I could see the person’s face who searched for cheap wedding favors and found you.

  10. You must be afraid of the vegetables, the odds are they are plotting word domination, yet no one seem to take them seriously as a threat, even though I was quite definitely accosted by a parsnip brandishing a vegetable peeler once…or was that a dream?…or a hallucination brought on by an overconsumption of carrot cake?

  11. John Erickson Says:

    I never worry about the carrots, or the squash. It’s the potatoes you have to keep an eye on.
    And keep your ears open for the corn……..

  12. The borg carrots will assimilate you. It’s inevitable.

  13. The carrots are just the foot soldiers of the sweet potatoes. You have been warned.

  14. Ya gotta watch out for the fruits. A buddy and I went to a strip club for lunch. He went to lighten his load and came back and told me that someone in the can offered to do it for him. Really? Cruising a strip club? Don’t seem right somehow.

  15. This is Mrs John Erickson. I have something on my blog John would like you to see. http://snufflesdbear.wordpress.com/ Right now, it i the first thing there.
    Enjoy. My arteries are hardening at the thought of it.

  16. I always knew that carrot was a sneaky bastard.

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