Awesome Shit: Fries

I have no real idea why this didn’t occur to me earlier, but fries are awesome. I may have been overwhelmed by my earlier food post of why bacon is awesome, I don’t know, although that would explain a lot. Bacon has that effect on the human brain.

I also want to be pretty clear here: I’m calling them “fries.” No adjective-type word connoting a nationality goes before the word ‘fries’ because there is no way anything that awesome could come from France. They do sauces and tiny wads of food arranged ‘artistically’ around a plate. Fries come in a big, warm delicious pile and just sit there.

That doesn’t imply that fries ought to do anything but just be awesome, of course. Honestly, though, they’re better in their intended packaging from your fast food outlet of choice, bundled and wrapped in landfill-clogging cardboard. This preserves the warmth better in my mind, and also keeps me from being able to over-salt them, because I like my fries with more salt.

Not all food places are equal, either. The hands-down winner in my universe is of course McDonald’s, but honestly it’s difficult to screw up fries. Generally, as long as they’re crispy and salty on the outside and still soft inside, the fry is good to go. Overcooked fries just frustrate me the same way overbaked cookies do. Who wants a cookie without a bit of chewy in the middle?

Fries blessedly come with about anything resembling a sandwich, which is awesome. Some restaurants have curly fries, which I’m ambivalent about, and others fry their fries with some god-awful coating that is supposed to add a crispy layer of goodness. I fight through that on principle alone, mainly because that’s my only option at the moment. I ought to add that you should never, never give me anything non-potato in fry format. Sweet potatoes are not potatoes, and they’re for Thanksgiving. Apples are… ok I have no idea what the fuck you’re supposed to do with an apple, but cutting it up and deep-frying it is not one of them.

I’ll also tolerate what is called ‘cabin fries’ – also called ‘home fries.’ They’re the large planks of potato and have a bit too much soft inside to crunchy outside, ratio-wise. The flavor works, though, so I don’t complain. Tater tots, I should add, are awesome in their own right and deserve a post of their own.

As for condiments accompanying my fries, I generally go with the standard ketchup, occasionally getting freaky with mustard too. I know someone will suggest vinegar, but that I only use when having fries with fried, breaded fish. One odd thing I’ll tend to do if I happen to have a chocolate shake at the same time is dip my fries in the shake. Delicious… otherwise, any standard carbonated soft drink is the right solvent to clear out the fry traces from my gullet.

Yeah… this early in the morning and I want fries…