Pre-Deployment Fun: PDHA

Okay, troops, sit down and listen up. Here’s the next installment of my ongoing adventures in getting my ass into Afghanistan. This one focuses on the process of me proving I’m healthy enough to go to war. I imagine after my initial rant about this mess, everyone is dying to know the answer to one key question. So here’s the news: I’m NOT pregnant. My long-time followers also know of my warm, loving feelings for Army medical staff.

Your lesson in Army acronyms for today is, “PDHA.” This stands for Pre-Deployment Health Assessment. In other words, I’m getting a physical. Apparently they changed the name because ‘physical’ was too intimidating or something. That out of the way, some of the highlights of my medical exam experience:

Lab Work –Β This is just drawing blood. I’m actually being checked for HIV. At this point I doubt if I could get it even if I tried. The worst part of this was the required fasting, which I can deal with normally because I’m not a midnight snacker nor am I necessarily a breakfast person. The irritating part of this task was that I also couldn’t have coffee, even black with no sugar. WTF? No, nobody died. The lab lady thought I was weird because I enjoy watching the needle punch into my arm.

Vision –Β I can still see, and apparently quite well. This was the easiest station to complete. An exerpt:

    • Nurse: “Stand against the wall and read the smallest line on the chart you can see.”
    • Rants: “2008 Printing, U.S. Government Printing Office, For Official Use Only.”
    • Nurse: [Leaning in to read the microprint under the last ‘ZSFGU’ line] “Oooookay. You’re good to go.”

Hearing –Β I can hear too. The technician noted some irregularities in the 4000Hz range though:

    • Tech: “You’ll have to get that checked when you get home. Any questions?”
    • Rants: “Yeah, two. First, would the 4000Hz range be about in my wife’s voice area?”
    • Tech: “Possibly, but it would only have an impact if she yells a lot. What else?”
    • Rants: “Do you have anything to keep these fucked up little hairs from growing out of my ears?”

EKG – Apparently my heart is functioning nearly within normal parameters also. The only notable thing about being wired up for this test before I got a great 15-minute nap was this exchange:

    • Nurse: “Take off your ACU top and tee shirt.”
    • Rants: “Seriously? That normally involves a lot of rum.”
    • Nurse: “Pardon?”
    • Rants: “Hey, I hardly know you. I don’t show my beer gut to just anyone, lady.”

As always, I left two floors of the hospital laughing. This is what you get when cranky Rantses have to put up with this stuff.

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34 Responses to “Pre-Deployment Fun: PDHA”

  1. Awesome. I love the vision part of your “PDHA.” Congrats on completing the physical.

  2. whatever good eyesight. I can read the E without my contacts in. Sometimes I can read the second line, but just barely.

  3. 4000Hz? Oh, you’re in some serious trouble! Better make “listening sounds” tonight!

  4. This all reminds me of Catch 22. How does it go, only the crazy would want to go to war, but if you say you’re crazy obviously your sane…. hmm, I’m not getting that quite right.

  5. I am pretty sure the EKG nurse wants you. Good post!

  6. You have received The Versatile Blogger Award!

    There are three rules:

    1. You need to thank the person who nominated you.

    2. You must spread the love to 15 more blogs that you follow and enjoy.

    3. You have to share seven things about yourself.

    http://fourbluehills.com/2012/01/04/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    • I hate to break your heart, because I’m grateful, but this is #4 for the VB here. I do appreciate your support and readership, though.

      • Umm…could you send me an email. I cannot find a contact for you on here anywhere. πŸ˜‰ No emergency, just rather not post on here what I need to say about the award. Hehhehee My email address is: forgetracker@gmail.com

        I do understand your reply, I do hope you will send me an email too. Thanks!

        fourbluehills

        • You mean that it’s a freaking chain-letter equivalent?

          • No, I don’t think so. I just, being new to blogging, am trying to be tactful to the people who have given it to me. Three times.

          • Understand. You should know then, as a newby, that I’m about as subtle as a 2×4 in the teeth. Nothing personal, I’m just rudely blunt. Welcome to my site!

          • I like your blog, and straightforwardness very much! πŸ™‚ Just wish I could visit more often.

            As for the award. The first time I received it I looked it up, not to see how important it is, but because, to be quite frank, handing it out to 15 blogs each time seemed a bit much. (Deciding to be frank here. Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but hafta say it like it is I guess.) So, anyway I looked it up, originally, as far as I can tell, it was meant to be given to ONE blog. I don’t know how it became so diluted. Which I think it is. It is very nice to receive one, but I think if I get another, I will positively CROAK! So, I understood your hesitation. VERY WELL. πŸ™‚ And….as you handled it so well, it gives me hope for the future. LOL

            Have a great day!

          • Good info, and thanks again. Visit anytime, we’re always open.

  7. Rock on Rants.
    Of course, a clean bill of health means you’ll have to do all the chores when you get home…

  8. I did this too, They told me to cut back on the red meat.

  9. So, um…. any word on that ear hair thing?

  10. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Dammit…now I gotta cancel the baby shower….

  11. Something is definitely up with these military hearing tests. My husband came home from his and told me that’s why he cant hear me sometimes. Hmm. He’ll be on his way to Afghanistan this fall. Maybe you’ll bump into eachother.

  12. My friends and I have a theory on the “men don’t hear their wives” thing … it’s that damn Y chromosome. We’ve decided that it’s actually an X that broke one leg off, therefore men are to be pitied for being chromosomally deficient. And for the record, no hubby doesn’t get out of that entirely … nonetheless he happily embraces this explanation. πŸ˜‰

    Congrats (I think) on passing your PDHA. πŸ™‚

  13. Recent follower, loving your posts!
    My husband recently had his hearing tested & got the same results, minimal hearing in the range where you hear female & children’s voices in one ear. Is this an epidemic? Or have the hearing doctors conspired to get back at wives? Hmmm. . .

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