The Liquid Weathervane – Part 2012

Today’s offering is of course the follow-up to last year’s (yesterday’s) post inspired by articles that describe what your drink apparently tells others about you. Since I tend to change shit up occasionally by character, this handy PSA describes Rants’ mood depending on what is currently in his hand.

I’ll repeat the disclaimer here that we all must drink responsibly and that moderation is the key to enjoying adult beverages. I know, I’m just fucking killing you. So without further ado and a ‘Happy Fucking New Year’ we’ll move on to the second installment:

Gin: Stop me now, because I am in a place full of self-hate and I’m attempting to medicate myself with a distilled juniper shrub. Allowing me to continue this cry for help will not end well for anyone. Replace the gin with a beer and talk me down off the ledge.

Tequila: Run, and run fast. If you’re brave, get help and remove the tequila from my possession. I avoid this, so me having any indicates I’m already wrecked on something which is likely brown (=’bad’). If encountered beyond the point of effective intervention, your best bet is to corral me outside before I pass out, and roll me onto a tarp as I do. Push a Motrin into my mouth. Better yet, make it two or three.

Rum: You are quite safe, and prepare for entertainment. In fact, you will want a camera that records video. Rum is my ‘naked’ drink, so when I’m spotted (clothed) with rum, something epic is about to happen. If you’ve happened to have missed the epic moment, I’ll probably be amenable to helping you decorate me with a Sharpie in obscure runic symbols and pose for those incriminating Facebook shots.

Microbrew: If you find me in a situation where I’m forced to drink some hand-crafted, artisan microbrew, an intervention is probably required. I am hostile because I have to drink that swill, but will keep downing it because of the other effete douchebags I’m probably surrounded by who are discussing how awesome the microswill is. If you are there with me, this can be entertaining once I get to the tipping point of assuaging my inner rage at the microbrew-drinking fuckwits. If you’re one of the douches, prepare to be tuned up.

Beer, not Coors Light: I’m steady and well adjusted, but my preferred beer is not handy. I’m dealing with the problem in an adult manner and no management is required.

Coors Light: This is my poison of choice and preferred drink. I am happy, content, and I love you, man! No intervention needed, this is my equivalent of water.

So now, having carefully read the entire PSA, you are warned. My 2011 was moderately shitty, and 2012 looks to be fairly unknown but will definitely be dry. I’m off to figure out how much money I’ll save on Coors while deployed. I’m guessing something between a new car down payment and retirement…


20 Responses to “The Liquid Weathervane – Part 2012”

  1. This (and the previous installment) are great. So true. And Tequila is something like a cross between diesel and urine. Which = bad. May 2012 be better for you!

  2. Oh good, at least I hate gin!

  3. And your recommendations for beach / sailing beer ?( you know it’s really hot and after the first one it won’t matter anyway, so why pay more – they’ll drink anything?)
    Happy New Year!

  4. I am the same way with Tequila- or shots of any kind., really. especially Jagger. I’m toast

  5. What say you to peach schnapps and water?

  6. why am I here in a handbasket? Says:

    at one point in my life, I may have stood on a bar in a foreign country and shouted “sambuca rules” at the top of my lungs.
    the shit doesn’t rule at all.
    I didn’t take you for a light beer drinker. interesing.

    • I didn’t take me for a light beer drinker either until there got to be too much of me and not enough “wanna drink not as much” feeling. Sambucca does suck dead rhino ass.

  7. Psalms 18:2) “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold”

  8. I’ve read most of Heinlein’s stuff, including the teen books when I was middle-aged. I’ve gotta get ahold of a copy of your current print interest.

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