Pre-Deployment Rant

I suppose this rant inaugurates a long series of entries about my upcoming Afghanistan experience. And yes, you’d be quite correct that I have not even left the U.S. yet. This one deals with the joys of getting one’s shit firmly in one bag before leaving.

Essentially, I have to get permission to go war as I’ve been ordered to. You did read that correctly. All of this is captured on a twenty-page document, so I can’t lose any of it. The first three pages capture every possible piece of data associated with me alone. The rest is a small-font list of offices I have to visit so everyone on post here can ‘help’ me do this. Some of the stops I’m looking forward to:

Security – This is not someone asking me, “Do you feel secure?” and me grabbing my crotch and replying, “Yeah, actually, I do. It’s the elastic.” This has to do with my clearance, which doesn’t involve all 73″ of me, just what can be put into the empty part in the top 6 inches. Someone might tell me something secret, and I can’t know secret things without the right clearance.

Legal Office – This will be a rehash of my will experience, which means some poor lawyer’s gonna have hurt feelings. Also, I get a briefing on the Law of War and other neat shit focused on what I’m not allowed to do to enemies, enemy prisoners, or ridicufuckinglous stuff like that. I plan on asking if forcing an enemy captive to listen to Bieber music qualifies as inhumane.

Dental Exam – Nothing gets you ready for war like having a man’s hairy fingers in your mouth while he asks you questions. In reality, I have to have functional teeth before I go, ostensibly so there’s something there to get knocked out in rough situations. Not to mention having an awesome grill to impress people who don’t have dentists.

Medical Exam – This is my favorite by far. Overall, this ensures that should I come home with holes in me, they can conclusively prove I didn’t leave with them, which would make my ventilated condition my fault. This joyful experience will collect DNA, check my hearing and sight, make sure I’m not crazy (stop fucking laughing) and check to make sure I’m not pregnant. They’ll also apparently check me for HIV, because we wouldn’t want me bleeding on some poor Taliban fuck and giving him AIDS, right?

That’s only part of the list, and also doesn’t capture the hours – literally hours – I’ll spend online doing ‘training’ that I have to finish, print a certificate off, and have with me once I show up. You’re probably asking, “Rants, you’ve done this before, why the fuck are you surprised?” The story I’m sticking to is that it was so mentally painful the last time that I’ve completely blocked it out.

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21 Responses to “Pre-Deployment Rant”

  1. So did you enjoy your anal exam?
    Also, three pages about you? If you cannot be crazy, then what the hell did they fill those three pages with? 😉

  2. Man, sounds like a chore, or a lot of them. But honestly, I mainly hate that you have to go back.

  3. If I understand it well, you have no choice but going and still you have to do all those tests like they will say ‘sorry, we don’t want you to go anymore’?

  4. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Laughed the whole way through..(especially the part about security…)

  5. Ugh … I’d block all that shit out too. And dude, “I plan on asking if forcing an enemy captive to listen to Bieber music qualifies as inhumane.” I love this! Total awesomeness. 😆

  6. How better to win the hearts and minds than with a dazzling smile?

  7. Off topic, as usual, I offer something to look forward to WHEN you get back, safe and sound. Despite the nearest one being over a thousand miles from me, I have some supposedly reliable information about food choices at In-N-Out Burgers. They officially list just four food items on their menu: a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a double-double, and fries. It seems, if you know how to ask, that there are other things available, including a Flying Dutchman (two patties, two cheese slices, nothing else) and Animal Style Fries (fries with special sauce, cheese and onions). There are many more but they are not advertised by name. Hungry patrons must track each item down through word of mouth or Internet surfing. You have 20 pages of bureaucracy to digest right now….but after.

  8. Don’t forget to make copies of all of your inoculation paperwork so when they try to stick you another 8 freaking times because they lost the records, you can trump those assholes. I do believe I have the healthiest damn immune system of anyone I know because of repeated inoculations, including the plague shot. Thank you, U.S. Navy.

  9. O, the beaurocracy of it all! All that paperwork and probing sounds almost as bad as torture-by-Bieber! I really need to read Catch 22…

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