Freak-Ass Spam & Search Terms – Part 4

Without question, the freakiness of the crap that washes up on the shores of BrainRants Island is experiencing a sharp up-tick. This fourth installment is even more wacky shit that I get here, and much of this, like Part 3, has been a result of the spam onslaught caused by my Freshly Pressed Hostage Situation. Enjoy.

Freakish Search Terms:

“my freak ass” – This one seems to allude to that old saying, ‘He couldn’t find his ass with two hands.’ And apparently not with Google, either.

“no pants required 4 him” – Somehow I’m not surprised there’s someone out there who requires no pants. But why would anyone search for him?

“suicide voodoo dolls” – I have to admit that’s an approach I’d never heard of.

“my husband doesn’t let me do his laundry” – I did do a post on laundry so this isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that there’s some poor wife out there who is actually distraught over this condition. Seriously?

“anti christmas rants” – Well you certainly landed on the right blog, motherfucker.

Silly Spam:

Free Sex Video Download – Awesome, thanks. I bet that shit comes with some kind of virus that will toast my laptop too… also free.

Fistula Surgery – Why anyone would spam a blog trying to peddle fistula surgery is beyond me. You’d sort of imagine folks would be largely self-motivated to take care of that.

Scuffed Bumper – Aha. So you fucking admit it! My ride may be a half-ancient piece of shit, but that doesn’t mean you go and scuff my bumpers. Asshole.

No Money System – Sorry, not interested. I’m already on a no money system.

What is an STD like? – Is this a trick question? Like, “Have you stopped taking drugs yet?” Or is this a lead-in where you’re going to tell me what it’s like? Either way, you get the ‘do not want’ face. And the finger.

Chronic procrastination disorder – I’ll come up with something funny to say about this later.

bikinis for women – One would certainly hope, and I assure you that should I ever shop for bikinis on the internet, they’ll be the “women’s” type. I don’t think I’d be good in a bikini… all that waxing would be painful.

If you’re going to save the nails, lose a shoe – Okay, what? I’m going to assume they mean toenails, and not the pointy metal kind used to affix two pieces of wood together. Call me crazy.

I found my uncle perusing your blog site instead of taking out the trash… – This one was a 9 out of 10 on the ‘random’ scale. An odd relationship there, I’d say. No click for you. Take out your own trash you lazy domineering fuckwad. If he’s reading my stuff, he’s clearly smarter than you will ever be.

Kidney pain alcohol… – I have the idea someone is trying to send me a message here. Luckily my kidneys don’t hurt. Ever. I am curious though, because if they’re trying to advertise alcohol so awesome it would make my kidneys hurt, well… wouldn’t hurt to try that awesomesauce shit once now, would it?

Hope you enjoy this installment. As I said, this is blog material that I basically get for free.


16 Responses to “Freak-Ass Spam & Search Terms – Part 4”

  1. Holy crap. These are way crazier than what comes in to a food blog.

  2. Donald Duck doesn’t require pants…. My Rockstar doesn’t either, but he insists on wearing them anyway.
    Also, I take out my own trash. I NEVER expect my uncle to do it.

  3. All the weird porn searchers (like the one with a thing for the Wicked Witch of the West) keep stumbling upon my blog. It’s strange.

  4. Chronic procrastination disorder. Check. The disease of this generation.
    There are too many bored people on the Internet.

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    still laughin’…

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