Christmas Rant: All The Damn Music

So I decided to take apart Christmas from my point of view here in the blogosphere. And yes, I have issues with Christmas, sorry. So Happy Birthday, Jesus, and here we go, getting all ranty about the music of Christmas.

I’ll admit up front that not all Christmas music is bad. Some is downright inspiring. In my view of things, however, that subset of music is pretty small, and most of it is much older than I am, at least the versions I prefer to hear. Suffice it to say that if you collected all the Christmas songs I don’t mind listening to, they probably would not fill a CD.

One part of the season I don’t understand – musically – is the tendency for a radio station to switch formats just for the season. This results in jarring experiences in places like my car. I climb in, fire it up, and expect to hear Disturbed or some equally awesome head-banging music that will motivate me long enough to stay awake and get where I’m headed. Instead, I get heinous Christmas song that to me is nails down the chalkboard, or audio Sominex. I worry I’ll be awakened by an MP, car nudged up against the curb, a trail of drool down the steering wheel.

Another pain in my ass is stores that pipe in uninterrupted Christmas music. The shopping experience is bad enough to have to endure the saccharine tones that fill the air in between the ravenous flailing of arms and hands that is Christmas shopping. Even worse, everyone seems to do that. I can understand Sears, WalMart, and other places. But Home Depot? Really? That takes a huge edge off the thrill I get every time I look at power tools, and that sucks.

The theme here is that during some stuff I can’t escape, the shit follows me like a virus, drilling into my ears in a painful way. Once in the middle of the suffering, This is a short list that enumerates the most egregious examples of Christmas music:

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” – This song by Band Aid I’ve ranted on before, and nothing has changed except for my level of hate for this tune. It sucked ass in the ’80s, and it sucks worse now. Especially given that the purpose of the whole damn thing was to raise money to help out largely Muslim nations in Africa. How ironic.

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” – This is just a musical crime against humanity. This may have been funny once or twice upon release. But even an entire year in between hearings doesn’t ease the discomfort of hearing it. Again.

“Wonderful Christmastime” – This piece by Paul McCartney just irritates the piss out of me for some reason. Enough repititions has me ready to murder kittens.

Finally, the catch-all category, where I state that I’ll vomit along with anything sung by Celine Dion, Justin Bieber, and Mariah Carey.

Now that I’m done with this one, I have to go shop. With the car radio off. Wearing earplugs.

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36 Responses to “Christmas Rant: All The Damn Music”

  1. I’m with you on this one. In work the other day I put on B101 here in the Philly area and they had “All Christmas Music. All The Time.” That lasted almost an hour before I wanted to throw my radio out the window.
    I just changed the channel.
    Now, excuse me while I go beat myself with a hammer to get “Grandma Got Ran Over By…” it should have been a tank!

    Great post.

  2. I’ll take Band AId any day over “Step into Christmas” by Elton John. It’s maybe the only song ever recorded I want to hear less than Elton John’s Lion King material.

  3. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” I agree about that song, It pisses me off (mind the language) there is not a lot that annoys me but that song does … Let them know its Christmas time? NO!

  4. I would stab Paul McCartney in the head if I saw him for the sole reason of singing that fucking song.
    “War is Over” is another one that bugs the bejesus outta me.

  5. The McCartney song almost negates all the good music he’s recorded.

  6. […] the joy of Christmas!  As  BrainRants just mentioned in his post today, it’s all about wishing a Happy Birthday to Jesus.  And so it […]

  7. I know I’m in charge of Christmas, but I’m NOT in charge of the music….Just to let you know, I like all that shit too. MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 🙂

  8. While you’re over here ranting, over on my blog I’m loving Christmas. 😀 I do, however, agree with your choices of horrible music that has nothing to do with the season. Worse still are the songs about cancer, dying, and such.

    I agree with you on the singers, too.

  9. John Erickson Says:

    I’m tellin’ ya, you REALLY need “A Twisted Christmas” by Twisted Sister. It’ll cure all your woes over hyper-saccharin Christmas music.
    Now you’ll pardon me – Palladia, a concert-oriented channel, has been nice enough to give me a great birthday present – Kylie Minogue in shorts so small, they wouldn’t cover a field mouse’s hieney! 😯 😀

  10. Ha, ha, this from the guy that likes Little Drummer Boy!

  11. I’m cranking up the Chipmunk Christmas song and donning my Kevlar vest even as I type, bru.

  12. I totally agree, but feel slightly disappointed that I don’t know ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’. Just slightly.
    In this time of the year, I hide for radios.

  13. Hope this cuts through all that schamaltsy twinkly red tape dude:

    One of my favourites – sounds like your kinda thing if ya dig rock

  14. Totally with you on this one. Can’t stand most of the Christmas music on the radio. I generally stick to instrumentals (not muzak … I prefer Mannheim Steamroller) but will occasionally listen to vocals if they are done by the right singer. I adore The Christmas Song sung by Nat King Cole, can’t stand to hear it from anyone else.

  15. That shit really gets annoying. Even good ones like silent night have been replayed and horribly commercialized. It feels like watching a crack whore dress up in a white gown. You can still see some traces of her old beauty and it kind of makes you feel sorry for her, but at the same time she keeps reaching for your wallet and your mostly just pissed.

  16. http://forbettergenius.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/holiday-traditional-songs/
    I’m with you on this all the way
    jingle all the way?
    no fuck that
    just all the way

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