Auto Topic: What’s the Best Way to Cure a Cold?

Time for another AutoTopic. This one I couldn’t resist because of the subject – I actually have a set of procedures designed to make the human body hostile to the common cold virus. Of course, it might also mean that the virus that causes the cold only gets a tenuous grasp in the Rants system at best, due to my overly-ranty nature, but barring future research this is mere speculation at best.

So what exactly does The Rants do when faced with the passing inconvenience of a cold? Besides mope around and whine like a little girl? Here is my short list of shit that will bitchslap your system and the common cold virus as well:

Water. Just drink a lot of it. You’re supposed to anyway right? Besides, you’ll need it for the next step to prevent you feeling like poop. Four out of five doctors recommend a lot of water, and the fifth one was in the bathroom pissing, because he had been drinking a lot of water.

Exercise and/or Heat: The idea here is to raise your body temperature, which amazingly will help kill the wee beasties making you sick. That’s the whole idea behind you getting a fever, only the cold virus – evil little fucker that it is – managed to evolve a way to infest us without triggering that response. So I’ll force myself to do something that makes me sweat. A sauna works too, but those are generally less available to me than some good hard work.

Food. The old saying about starve a cold, feed a fever is true. Don’t eat a lot. It indirectly starves the virus too, and while most of us have body reserves to go on, the virus doesn’t.

The Elixir. After you’ve observed the steps above, a mixture of lemon juice, honey, and whiskey before bed for some unknown reason helps kick the shit out of the virus. This is probably more about getting you just hammered enough to sleep soundly and therefore allow you to rest than it is about a pharmacological approach to the cold. Like it matters, right?

I would recommend the above measures be considered in generally sequential steps, but results quite possibly can vary. If you complete the regimen and are feeling no relief, this means one of two things: A) Your immune system is lame and you might consider being tested for AIDS; and B) You didn’t drink enough of The Elixir.

Just Sayin’.

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49 Responses to “Auto Topic: What’s the Best Way to Cure a Cold?”

  1. I also vote B! But I rarely ever get a cold . Can I correctly assume that the elixir would help cure my insomnia? 😉

  2. When I have a cold, I’m less hungry it seems. Suicidal virus…? Hm. The Exixir/ Elixir sounds good though, as a cure. It might just burn everything away. Efficient.

  3. Whiskey and Robitussin…the cure-all of the gods.

  4. meganstephenson Says:

    I have a cure … NUT UP AND SHUT UP ehehehe!

  5. John Erickson Says:

    Sterilise everything you have to deal with. Lots of alcohol. And since the cold is inside you, start with liberal applications of alcohol internally until the cold/flu dies. Or you just don’t give a hoot.
    Either works, unless (like me) you can’t drink due to medications or other health problems.
    Of course, for me, I can just get so stoned you could set my rear on fire and all I’d do is ask for marshmallows……

  6. The elixir also works for this horrible disease called Visitingyerparents.

    • Outfuckingstanding comment!

    • savorthefolly Says:

      I don’t know. I’ve tried everything and it’s still a total asspain.

      • A cold, or your parents?

      • savorthefolly Says:

        well I was talking about my parents, but the cold is an asspain too.

        • John Erickson Says:

          Liberal quantities of alcohol will eventually make the parents go away, one way or the other. If you were closer to where I live, Savor, I’d offer to come over to your place. I have an incredible talent to relieve people suffering from parents, family, friends, partygoers they didn’t want to leave, I’ve even been known to clear people out of their OWN house. 😀

      • savorthefolly Says:

        it is good to have friends like you! I’m pretty sure you couldn’t drink my father under the table – but if you wanna say something offensive to him – that is a-OK with me!

        • John Erickson Says:

          Glad to help, but you gotta give me something to work with. I need two key facts – his hot-button topics, and his 50-yard dash times. That defines how insulting I’m willing to get! 😀

      • savorthefolly Says:

        unlike me he’s deeply ashamed that he can’t spell worth a damn, and he can’t run fast at all. also, even though he’s super smart, he somehow struggles with (unconscious) deep feelings of inferiority. if you could imply that he’s not as smart as he thinks he is, that would drive him nuts! I’ll come up with as many as I can think of. Personally I would love it if you launched into a diatribe about people who talk about adult issues in front of their children. Say, I even heard of this one guy who used to make jokes about smelly fish (you know what I’m talking about) in front of his daughter! – what kind of sick fuck is that! yeah….please say that to him. I want to be there so I can see his face when you say that…..

        • I probably am not only better than John at pissing in people’s Wheaties but enjoy it too. So I can talk all kinds of shit about grownup-topics-in-front-of-kids and follow it all up by mentioning my 4.3second 40-yard record from high school football… as a lineman.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        basically if you all could find any and every means to insult his manhood that would be fine with me. I’ll send up a flag when I’ve had enough. (the key here is when I’ve had enough – not when he’s had enough). by the way, he can be an unbelievable dick when he wants to be, so brush up on your counterdick comments – ’cause he’s pretty good at it when he wants to be.

        *gets all sentimental and shit over having two people to beat the shit out of my dad**sniffles* thanks guys, thanks….*sniffles some more….

    • Maybe you can do the rounds at my folks after.

  7. Guess that’s why I like hot tea or hot toddy, getting my temp up.

  8. Lol ,I do the first two now that I’m at college . Back when I was at home in addition to that ,my mom used to make me swallow a whole lot of honey and lime juice :-/ even crushed ginger once *blech* ….. I really should ask about the whiskey :-/

  9. There is no “cure” for the cold. I just spent two weeks proving that. I called in sick so often, I finally had to call in dead. Tried to post a blog about the experience three days ago but managed to lose the final 900 words.

  10. Blackberry brandy, straight up. Seriously.

  11. […] of those automatically generated topics covering the subject of the best way to deal with a cold (read it). One recurring theme of my life seems to be karma going for three points with my balls from forty […]

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