What’s Creepy About Hotels

Travelling as much as I do, you might find it surprising that I get skeeved out by the hotels I stay in. True statement, that. The interesting thing to note here is that while there are visible things that gross me out in a hotel, it is the invisible shit that bakes my noodle even worse.

I’ve done many posts about the various places the Army has sent me on routine job travel. This doesn’t include “go to Afghanistan,” because that is so different that it’s beyond comment. What I’m talking about is my usual Army business travel that makes me feel like a rock star on tour, but without the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll.

Back to the point. You’ve been entertained (or not) by my stories of South Asscratch, where I endured a smoking room so well-used I thought the walls were painted yellow. And every trip to D.C. normally means not having internet in my room but fully-ready in the lobby. These are examples of tangible shit that bothers me.

As I mentioned, the invisible stuff bothers me even more, and this doesn’t cover bedbugs because surprisingly I’ve not encountered them yet. Then again, I’m not really an under-the-blanket person, and I further suspect that bedbugs likely are repelled by me. Anyway, some examples of crap I hate but can’t do anything about:

The rug. One time I had the misfortune of walking around my room in clean white socks, which merely gave me a clear visual of exactly what was lurking in the pile of the carpet dirt-wise. I shuddered to think of what was clinging to it that couldn’t be dislodged by walking.

The comforter. Most likely the grossest thing to consider here. I’ve seen articles that recommend carrying a travel black light CSI-style. No thanks. I’d rather just carefully lift the collection of DNA off the bed and remain happily ignorant about the saturation levels of … whatever raw materials are there for a cloning experiment.

The bath. Just think about it: some random person was naked in here before you. This random person was probably not Salma Hayek either, but probably closer to a big missing-link type of guy who drives trucks. Besides, I know pretty well what sluices off of me when I shower, so extrapolating that to the Man Soup coming off of the Sasquatches before me… eew.

The toilet. Same issue here as the shower/bath, except much closer to important parts. I can’t help but wonder who the last lucky person was to put cheeks to seat. Did they have a pimply ass? A nasty skin infection involving oozing sores? Ass herpes? Alien probe residue? Did their deposit remove a layer of porcelain?

You might be sitting there thinking, ‘Well if you’re so damn bothered, clean it yourself.’ I would, really, if I had the time. Besides, the hotel staffs tend to take offense at using their machines to clean sheets and towels, as well as hijacking the maid staff cleaning carts. Those never have bleach on them anyway, so it would be pretty useless in terms of my personal view of cleanliness.


45 Responses to “What’s Creepy About Hotels”

  1. Well, there goes any hope for future stressfree vacations.

  2. I can’t think about it. If I did, I would never travel.

  3. “Man Soup?” Oh God I think I’m going to be sick.

  4. “sluices off me” *blach* Jeez, I think I’ll stay home….

  5. savorthefolly Says:

    I’m with you. Hotels are gross. Unless the hotel uses a duvet and duvet cover – just assume that comforter cover is very very nasty. They don’t wash those after each guest – or even after each 100 guests so…..yeah…..

  6. I remember when they used to put that little paper sash around the toilet seat to let you know they cleaned the toilet. Of course, the paper sash could have been a decoration left to make you think they cleaned the toilet.

  7. Lincoln, NE is THE worst grossest place to stay in a motel. Hands down.
    On another note, I frequently raid the maid’s cart when I stay at places… Those little bottles of shampoo make me feel like a giant…

  8. You just made me shudder and put my food down ….. your and your descriptive skills …. and me with my imagination.

  9. I have a colleague that is a germophobe yet has to travel a lot…I like to remind her about the remote and the phone and bed bugs, just to creep her out!

  10. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Great post! Those folks hauling around RVs are starting to look smarter in my mind.

  11. If Im driving, Lysol Wipes and Clorox spray are packed first. Flying means they are my first purchase after arrival…I pack sleeping bags to be used atop hotel petri deshes disguised as beds and I never EVER let my kids put their clothes in the drawers….have you ever SEEN Bruno???? I feel the need to go shower with scalding water, a wire brush and bleach now….thanks…

    • Wow I thought I had issues.

      • MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

        Hey Babe-Remember the Motel in Ventura????? OMG! And as heather said, I do so much of the same girl. The places we have been during our 11 yrs. Also macon, Georgia I believe it was. I took our own sheets and shit! LOL And hun, I still do as you know………Love/Miss you!

  12. Cruel. I love hotels, but maybe just the ones in Austria. They’re always sparkling fresh and clean. But the others scare me a bit. Same issues. I only shower because the idea of a naked person sitting on his ass in a bath tube… Eww. I don’t want to think about the toilet or the bed.

  13. Oh jeez..I’m going to Las Vegas in January…the same place where people like Hoss from Pawn Stars reside..eeewwwwww. I’m going to have to scrub down my room first thing.

  14. Blissfully ignorant is best after removing the comforter which I have always done, because the last road trip I went on with a friend, she downloaded a black light app on her phone, and it was no bueno. I couldn’t even sleep after that.

  15. Campbell’s Man Soup – the soup that eats like a meal.

  16. John Erickson Says:

    Purell. And lots of it. And Lysol, lots of that, too. And long-sleeve T-shirts and lightweight sweatpants for lounging and sleeping.
    Or, just pull your tent out of the back of your car and sleep on the back lawn. Yes – been there, done that, southern Kentucky if memory serves.
    Lots of alcohol helps, too, but that, you gotta take INTERNALLY……

  17. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    No Bleach? Bleach will kill anything.. let me sing you a song..Nightie Night..Sleep Tight…we hope the bedbugs dont eat on Brainrants…toniiight…feel better?

  18. There’s a great dilbert today if u get a paper.


    As I just told my man-I am always prepared and he and I have been to some places where we’d check in and oh my! We check right out out due to toliet seat with that fucking paper thing on it saying clean and we saw shit on it still. And the bed was sunk in right in the middle and so much more.
    Then another time heading to Florida for our oldest daughters National’s and drove as much as we could and stopped somewhere in Macon, Georgia. Thank god Miss Portable as many call me, along with other names through the years. I had sheets, blankets and our own pillows with us thank goodness! We were careful with the bathroom and shit to boot!
    Hey Rant’s-looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night! Saturday Army/Navy Game! Woo! Miss and loving you!!!! Sweetness

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