Here We Go Again

I posted a rant about Black Friday about a week ago, and in true BrainRants’ brain fashion, I just now remembered the other major gripe I had that day when I wrote. Typical. Between the four or five unruly voices in my head and the need to keep overwhelming amounts of information crammed in there for immediate retrieval, simple tasks like pissing, keeping my heart beating, and remembering simple shit become major operations.

Anyway, the shit that is sandpapering my balls today is the Christmas Holiday. Every fucking year, it’s the same shit, and because there’s money to be made on it, we have to endure this fuckwittery for almost a month immediately after I wake up from my Thanksgiving tryptophan coma. I normally hit this time of year and quickly scream, “What, already!? We just did this shit!” It is precisely the entire commercialism-driven mania that puts Chrismas way down at the bottom of my list of favorite holidays. Yes, even underneath Columbus Day (and I’m not remotely Portuguese) and Arbor Day (trees fucking rock!). A short list of ass-chappers:

Music: There are about two Christmas songs I can endure, and not all renditions of them are really worth it. I dig Little Drummer Boy because it has a military cadence, and O Holy Night sung by Martina McBride. That’s about it. Everything else makes my neurons curl and burn. About the last thing I want my all-Disturbed-all-the-time station to break format with is Frosty the Motherfucking Snowman.

Decorations: Right, let’s not and just say we did. Stand on a ladder wearing two of everything in a stiff north wind of Arctic Canadian origin and hang tiny lights that will burn out the second I hook them all together? Sure, sounds awesome. Not. Here’s some vise-grips; pull out my fingernails and that will simulate the frostbite I’m about to get.

Feed The World: Technically this falls under music too, but so help me if I ever lose it and climb a tower with a high-power rifle and a bag of cheese sandwiches, hearing this song will be the trigger. It was stupid as fuck in the ’80’s, so why would we think it has improved with age? Explain the logic of making a donation so a Muslim kid can feel the joy of Christmas to me.

Extreme Sap: Every season it’s the same shit – “This is the story of poor little Timmy…” Stop there. It’s sad, and it’s heartbreaking that he has no arms or legs and wants to wiggle-float across the English Channel before he dies of the congential upside-down heart he has. Really. I want to know why we have to wait until Christmas to make it an issue. Don’t you think Timmy could’ve used the donations a few months ago at the beginning of Summer? Do we require Christmas in order to be kind?

Trees: Christmas trees are a pain in the ass from start to finish. Getting them tuned perfectly in the stand is a test of patience nearly beyond me. Decorating them is only fun if I’m drunk enough to try it overhand. They die four days after putting them up. I love they way they smell, so someday I’ll grow an asspile of them and then be able to enjoy them all year. I can inhale them so forcefully I’ll have needles lodged in the underside of my frontal lobe all summer.

Fabrications: We’re all fully aware that Jesus was in fact born in the Spring, and that the church moved the holiday to correspond with a pagan solstice festival, right? No? Okay, then go back and repeat life from the 5th grade forward. And do I need to mention Santa Claus?

I probably just offended half of the English-reading world with this, and in response my Give a Fuck meter just sheared off the “zero” peg. Yeah, yours truly at his best, putting the “X” back in “Xmas.”

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57 Responses to “Here We Go Again”

  1. I think the real crime here are all these parents naming their kids Timmy. Don’t they know they’ve doomed him to a life of poverty or random limb loss or falling victim to neglected 18th century wells?

  2. Bah Humbug eh? My grandad pulled that … I didn’t completely believe him either. 😉

    Dude … Santa Rocks! But I am with you on the over-commercialization of the season. The “spirit” of the secular celebration should be held all year. As for the religious holiday? So much of the solstice celebrations are entwined in Christmas I don’t really care which you want to celebrate ,,, but the asshattery so many display needs to stop.

    Oh, and I like the way pine smells too, but we do a fake tree so I get to enjoy it for much longer than a few days or weeks. Yeah, it used to drive hubby nuts too … he gave up. I’m nothing if not persistent. 😆

    Not sure where all that spewed forth from. I’m blaming it on lack of sleep.

  3. I would drive you FUCKING INSANE with my Christmas joy! I love it all..the food, some of the music (not Frosty the fucking Snowman) , the copious quantities of alcohol that seem to flow freer and the friends that congregate in my kitchen Christmas Eve. That other crap is just people trying to cash in on something that is supposed to be about spending time together…which, you’re right…should happen year round.

    • Okay then, YOU’RE in charge of Christmas.

      • I got dibs on second in command! 😀

      • Yay! *dances around kitchen singing* I’m in charge of Christmas, I’m in charge of Christmas….

      • MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

        I used to be a huge christmas gal……..Used to be my oh so favorite holiday! Don’t know what rants and I will do alone for the first time ever this year? No kids in house for past year or so. Could hope for the best! Have plenty of ideas but they never come to be and this year just sucks. I pray 2012 will be a better year for so many and 2010 and 2011 can just kiss my pristine volumptious titilation big ass! And all of you, I am and have not been angry with you.Just disappointed in some of you gals and my husband comments to one another. Our families world’s have been spun off it’s axis! As I said before I can’t compete with this fucking computer shit! happy funking holidays! And Rants, your a fool. You have been my great love for 11 yrs!

  4. Somedays I wake up and I’m thankful for the fact that crazier buggers exist out there.
    So thank you for making my day . I’ll be sure to wish you on the 25th!

  5. Thanks for the rant.

    Come Dec 20, I will light my menorah and not have to worry about anything on your above list.

    C’mon over to our side…we’ve got latkes. (And this is probably where I should put that goofy smiley thing, eh?)

  6. mkultra76 Says:

    I’ve noticed that the Christmas season is a lot more fun if I can tune the rest of the world out for the month of December and just do it my own way. That is, with chocolate covered Oreo balls and several bottles of wine…

  7. Excellent taste, Dude! Martina is my hero. For the past few years I’ve thought about singing Oh Holy Night accapella like she does for church, but then I think, “Fuck it. It’s never gonna sound that good.”

  8. savorthefolly Says:

    I was not aware that Jesus was born in the spring but then again I was raised by, ironically, well educated pagens.

  9. I’m with you 100%.. especially the extreme sap factor. I spend most of my life attempting to avoid all feelings, and this season makes it particularly difficult. I wrote a post myself recently about my hate-on for the Christmas Season: http://breezyk.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/oh-the-who-manity/
    haters unite!

  10. Glad to see I’m not the only curmudgeonly Ebenezer on the interwebs. http://wp.me/p1se8R-1LW For me, the icing on the cake of holiday sickeningness is the sight of Santa Claus in a manger. Yep … I have neighbors that include reindeer in their nativity scene. Pshhft.

  11. I used to get panic attacks starting in October working myself up for the “joys” of the season. Ugh. I hated the lists, the forced gatherings, the commercials, the tackiness of it all.

    A few years ago, we finally said screw it and went to Mexico for 5 or 6 days right before Christmas, and I was a different person when I came back! Nothing like sitting by a pool in 80 degree weather and drinking mojitos to change one’s mood! Can’t afford to do that now, but just the thought of that trip makes me relax.

    Another mood changer for me was Bob Dylan’s “Christmas in the Heart” album. Bob wretches and growls his way through the classics. I can’t help but smile every time I hear it!

  12. Most people hate drummer boy, by most people I mean me and Dave Barry. I love that you rant in your sleep.

  13. Awesomesauce of a post. I agree whole heartedly. =)

  14. Ha! I love all the christmas sap! I never get to celebrate the real thing (not being a christ man myself) so I just eat up all the religiously ambiguous things and have fantasy christmas in my head for a month. Yay commercialization!

  15. Christmas is a fun time, other than certain members of the family and the pressure. I like the spirit. I like most of the carols. I’m not sure there was an actual Jesus, though.

  16. John Erickson Says:

    Technically, pal, you kill the tree when you cut it down. It just kind of lingers for four days – more like four hours, then it SHEDS for four days. After that, it explodes the needles off. But if you go artificial, keep the dang thing together. We had one growing up that had the bough ends dipped in coloured paint to tell where on the trunk they plugged in. The paint scraped off after 5 years, but we used it for over 25 years. AAUUGGHHH!!!!
    But Christmas is a good time for me. History and Military Channels inevitably go on marathons about the Battle Of The Bulge and the 1914 Christmas Truce, 2 of my favourite bits of history!
    Besides, you need Twisted Sister’s “A Twisted Christmas” album. “O Come All Ye Faithful” and “We’re Not Gonna Take It” actually sync up! 😀

  17. Archon's Den Says:

    Oh sure! The weather is Canada’s fault again, like Canadian bacon that’s not bacon, and Canadian Viagra which IS real Viagra. Try some. You’ll like it.

    Canada is doing something about Timmies. We’re setting them up in the U.S. as fast as we can expand, so that Americans can enjoy the best, affordable, non-frou-frou-Starbucks coffee you guys ever tasted. We even set a Tim Hortons coffee-shop up in Kandahar, Americans welcome. But we’re packing up to go home now.

    @ Dragonfae

    Knowledge Network says April 16, 4 BC, is the best guess for Christ’s birth.

  18. […] Coast Dissected” (25 Sep 11), a cutting look at the area I grew up in, notably California. “Here We Go Again” (02 Dec 11) must be on this list because it is a scathing rant on the ridiculousness of the […]

  19. Fuck me. It’s four thirty and I’m waking the house laughing about little Timmy and the Give a Fuck meter.
    Thank you; this will help later when I’m at work with 50 or so absolute morons.
    Red

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