Freak-Ass Spam & Search Terms – Part 3

How can I just let an easy thing go? It’s amazing how awesome it is that there are millions of idiots out there in their moms’ basements generating blog spam, sending to me (for free), and facilitating more and more rantalicious posts. And let’s not overlook the sick, twisted, and depraved assmunches who feed those unnatural search terms into their browsers looking for whatever scratches their kinky porn itch. Without further bullshittery:

Whack Searches:

“WTF  blog” – This is clearly a dedicated future member of the Rants Army. In fact, with all the new subscribers I have from the Freshly Pressed marathon, it may well be one of the many commenters… hmm.

“ass blog” – Huh? Either I use the word ‘ass’ too much on my blog, or I need to say, “Fuck you very much” to someone.

“why is my eye is moving the wrong direction” – I have so many questions in response to this question, dude. Which eye? Which direction? Why only one of two eyes? But I am not the wrong direction because I am awesomesauce. So is my blog.

“porn password” – Someone looking for porn landed on my site hoping for passwords. Interesting. Answer: Dumb fuckwit! If I had any of these passwords do you think I’d be blogging? It might rhyme with it, though…

Whack Blog Spam:

“sexting examples…” – And then you don’t even throw in some teaser examples? Not only are you an irritating blog spammer, you heinous jackwagon, you are a dick, too. And a big fat doodie face.

“porn tube,adult chat,adult movies,adult porn,adult sex,adult video,adult video chat,adult webcam,amateur porn,amature porn,anal sex,asian porn,bdsm,best free porn,big tits,black porn,black sex,boobs,celebrity porn,cybersex,erotic,erotic stories,eroti…” – Clearly this spam links to some rockin’ porn site with a little bit of everything for everyone. Except maybe Jefferey Dahlmer. If he hadn’t gotten shanked in prison and could surf porn that is. Oh, and a repeat on the teaser examples, but not for everything on the list.

“Mongolian fashion site…” – I have to admit I have long wondered what Mongolians sport for clothes. I’m thinking it’s a lot of sweet shit that you can not only wear while pilllaging settlements on the Steppes of Asia but also de-accessorize to lounge righteously around the yurt. Wearing stoner boots.

“whole brain…” – Zombie alert. This actually may be a great thing should the zombie apocalypse come to fruition, because then we can just put them behind a laptop and they can order brains over the internet. And run blogs, and do Facebook. At that point, will we be able to distinguish them from non-zombie internet denizens?

“rank and pillage…” – Which of course pairs quite well with ‘rape and file.’ WTF? Might have some potential since I’d love to have me some pillaging, but would avoid the rape part since then I’d have to register on one of those web tracker sites.

“Obtain my favorite substance…” – Ominous at best. I wonder what substances we’re talking about? Fissile material? Bacon? Awesomesauce? Give me a hint: liquid, solid, or gas? Legal or illegal? Breadbox or elephant?

“how to talk to girls…” – This one might be as beneficial as the Part 2’s one about discount power tools. Unfortunately, I have no expectation that this power tool would get any benefit out of whatever these fuckwits are offering. Sort of like training a pig to repair watches.

“dirty texting…” – Wow, I didn’t know you cared… but I thought this was a Federal offense. Yet again: teach by example, people. Don’t leave a brother hanging.

“Houdini help desk…” – No words. I’m afraid to click the link out of fear of winding up somewhere I can’t get out of. I mean, obviously it hasn’t worked for Houdini, right?

I’ll conclude this chapter here and start collecting the internet spew for Part 4.

50 Responses to “Freak-Ass Spam & Search Terms – Part 3”

  1. Well, first of all, I routinely refer to your blog as an “ass blog.” I mean that in the nicest way possible. 😉
    Second of all, If you’d stop watching LubeTube, maybe you wouldn’t get spam about it. However, I understand. There are some pretty cute girls on there.
    Favorite substance? Somehow I do not think they are speaking of anything legal. More likely something you smoke, sniff, or shoot into your arm.
    Dirting texting- is that a Federal offense?! I’m going to hide in my bunker now. Too bad I won’t have reception down there…

  2. shit , I’ve been caught :O

  3. I’m going to have to hide in the bunker with Sparkle if dirty texting is a federal offense. Fuck you very much! (I love that line and will be using it frequently.)

  4. Wow, my search terms are never that funny. We have a friend who was dieting, and he happens to be gay, and he was talking on his blog about the ideal male body. He still gets hundreds of search hits a day on that post.

  5. i did a blog post about an amazing aunt – she’s pushing 80. i also wrote one called “why i care”. my rant on penn state as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. i’m not sure which of those is the one the search term “lush aunt/nephew incest sex” dumped some asshole on my site. ick. i’ve also written a lot about my grandparents and yesterday i got “after grandpa died grandma wanted sex”. uh…. wanted sex with whom??? i don’t wanna know i don’t wanna know i don’t wanna know…

  6. “Fuck you very much” = A very amazing saying!!

  7. My two favorite on my blog are “seductive man balls” and “stallion masturbation.” Still not sure how those two landed someone on my blog and not yours.

  8. Excellent choices, bru. Some perv keeps getting to my site looking up District 9 alien porn, which causes me to stop and think what my blog is really about.

  9. *Dead*

    “Mongolian fashion site”… you didn’t even need to explain that one to make me laugh.

    Great post.

    apologies for not checking out the page in a while, my advisor has added about three more experiments on me. Can’t wait for XMAS.

  10. YOu realize that now that you’ve put those terms in a post, it only gets worse? Or better. Either way.

  11. John Erickson Says:

    “Houdini Help Desk”? Two words for ya – “Too Late!” See also “You screwed!”
    So are you LOOKING for free porn sites? I might be able to dig you up a few … thousand. 😉 (Hey, it gets LONELY when your wife works all day and you’re home alone! 😯 )

  12. savorthefolly Says:

    clearly I need to spend more time searching through blogs, making my contribution to freak ass search terms.

  13. What others regard as tedious and boring, you spin around and present as so funny, now my socks need darning. Darn socks, darn socks.

    As per your previous order, I linked to your site. Thanx! Not sure of protocol, but I think now I have to go to some other almost-as-awesomesauce sites you’ve introduced me to, and ask nicely.

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