Waking Up Is Hard To Do

You might find it surprising to know that I am not a morning person. The stereotype of Army folks getting up early and doing more before 9AM (0900) than most people do all day is very true. It’s just that at 0900 I’m still not really awake. Yes, I’m helping defend all of you on autopilot. Now would be an excellent spot to insert a great zombie joke or at least a pirated internet zombie picture, but oh well.

It may be age, and certainly the whole sleep apnea problem can’t help either. I do recall that as a kid, I could go from REM sleep to complex Lego construction in about two minutes flat. I think I enjoyed this ability all the way up to college. There, the experience of staying up until 2AM for three out of four years just to graduate in the top 75% of my class likely inflicted some damage upon what I considered normal up to then.

This is a generalized timeline of what my typical (five of seven) mornings look like. All times and durations are approximate.

0400 – Alertness: 0%. Alarm causes autonomic system to make me walk over and turn it off. Same system gets me downstairs. Pee.

0415 – Alertness: 5%. Stare at the coffee maker. Nothing is happening. Dimly perceive that actions must happen. Do actions involving water, grounds, filter and button.

0430 – Alertness: 13%. Grind toothbrush violently into mouth because fine motor control is offline. Similar actions with razor. Bleeding may be occurring, but no damage is detected because pain sensors are still also offline.

0440 – Alertness: 15%. Pour coffee. Extract cigarette from pack. Shuffle out back door. Absorb my two necessary “-ine’s”* while staring dully up at the far away twinkly light dots. There are funny noises out here.

0450 – Alertness: 45%. Combination of -ines activates colon. Two concurrent movements ensue.

0530 – Alertness: 50%. Stare at book du jour pages. Poo. Stare. Deep inside my brain, reading occurs. Poo complete.

0545 – Alertness: 60%. Fire up computer. Stare at funny pictures of news. Click buttons. Open email. Read comments.

0615 – Alertness: 70%. Click open. Click closed. Type words. Comments on blog complete. Open dashboard. Open drafts. Stare.

0630 – Alertness: 75%. New blog selected. Some others edited. Fiddle with settings. Unfiddle stuff.

0655 – Alertness: 80%. Read new subscribed posts. Read through Freshly Pressed. Giggle. Laugh.

0715 – Alertness: 85%. Dress self. Collect my shit. Stumble to car.

0730 – Alertness: 95%. Begin daily grind. Sort work email. Discard numerous Power Points.

0731 – Alertness: 100%. First stupid issue pisses me off, boosting me past the threshold of alertness.

Weekends can be described by adding two hours to each time and removing Army stuff.

* Caffiene and nicotine. These are two of my food groups.


39 Responses to “Waking Up Is Hard To Do”

  1. Nice. I have a cold that won’t go away…maybe it is God’s way of punishing me. Mostly because I am stupid and don’t learn well.
    Mostly because I think coffee is a food group. According to my calculations and the rough assumption that you have the day off…you should be somewhere in the middle of your list. Otherwise, sorry you are at work…enjoy that Power Point.

  2. mkultra76 Says:

    Have you considered an automatic coffee pot? One that you set the night before and then upon waking you find a freshly brewed pot of coffee on the counter, no groggy morning actions required. It’s saved my life…

  3. I was just about to suggest an automatic coffee pot as well but mkultra76 beat me to it.

  4. savorthefolly Says:

    I couldn’t help but notice your use of the word “poo” instead of “shit.” How cute that you shit in little boy words before you’re fully awake.

  5. I go from 0% to 65%, and stay there all day long. Sometimes it leads to problems, but so far no conse

  6. Funny it usually takes me just as long to wake up, except if something makes me angry earlier. Its about a million times stronger than coffee. And thats the only thing that has that kind of effect. Like, gonna miss a plane, zzzzz. Billy’s caught in the well, zzzzz. What do you think abo- GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IM SLEEPING!

  7. Very funny: I do recall that as a kid, I could go from REM sleep to complex Lego construction in about two minutes flat. Being alert by 7:31 sounds good to me.

  8. Getting up at 4 is hell for me. Getting up at 7 is hell for me. It takes me so much courage to roll out of my bed and face the light in the bathroom… I’m more an evening person.

  9. I get up around 5 most days but do wish I could sleep late now and then God bless coffee is all I can say !

  10. I’m not a morning person either. It’s more likely that I’m still up at 4am (though I will get up then if we are heading out on vacation). And it takes me at least 2 hours to wake up … assuming I actually get up. I turn alarms near the bed off in my sleep. The one in the bathroom just gets ignored. 🙄

    Automatic coffee maker has saved us too. Hubby gets up 2-3 hours before I do so I set it to turn on while he’s in the shower.

  11. I’m with you . . . sort of. I don’t function well at 0400 hours . . . so I stay in bed until I can manage LEGO construction with ease. 😀

  12. Nicotene?! My image of you just dropped about 200 points. 😉 Bad. So bad for you.


    I still can’t figure out adding my pic! ugh! Cause I still don’t care

    • savorthefolly Says:

      I’m sure you’re a very attractive woman. I’m sure many of us are curious to see pictures of both of you if you all would be willing to share them. But if you want to maintain your privacy, that’s cool too.

      • MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

        I could put something other than a blank pic. Matt got his from one of his crazy army dudes I bought for him years ago. It’s cool.

    • Shimoniac Says:

      Mrs. BrainRants. Adding your pic is really easy to do. Just walk up to hubby, slap him in the back of his head and say “I want that pic on my posts, bitch.” See… Problem solved.

  14. John Erickson Says:

    Mrs. Rants, you need to go out to Gravatar.com and set yourself up. It’s pretty painless, even I managed to do it! (Yes, I was in I/T for 15 years, but I always worked on mainframes or Apple products. I ABHOR Windows!)
    I always loved the quote out of “Good Morning, Vietnam”. “It’s Oh-430! What does the “oh” mean? Oh my God, it’s early!”
    Mornings are God’s way of previewing Hell, so that we’ll all be good in this life. Otherwise, it’s 10% functionality and pitch black for eternity. YIKES!!! 😀

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