Do You Sleep Incorrectly?

Well, do you? Good question isn’t it? I mean, just exactly how would you know if your execution of the act of sleeping was being performed incorrectly? I can assure you there are teams of doctors out there ready and able to assist you with this if you’re intensely curious.

There are some symptoms that you might display if you’re one of the tens of people in this country who can’t quite get all their shit into one sock and knock off each night. The list is pretty long, but the obvious ones involve a funny painful feeling behind your nose every morning, epic grogginess, and unexplained bruising along one side of your body, normally the size and shape of the baseball bat your spouse keeps on his/her side of the bed.

Clearly what I’m tap dancing around here is snoring, and if you recall one of my earlier posts you know my issue with this affliction is epic enough for the government to intervene before I modify the orbit of the Moon any further. For newcomers and those with ADD who must click something now, read it here. At any rate, the intervention is now in progress, and the process is interesting so far.

Last night I got the unalloyed joy of sleeping through a Sleep Study. No cramming required here, because they were studying me. Yeah, scary. The most awesome part of this experience were all the electrodes glued to my shiny melon that made me feel like a fatter, older, uglier, better-endowed and smarter body-double for Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. I know, awesome overload. Sit down if you feel the need. But I was seriously wired into a table full of machines the function of which escaped me. I felt like a chimpanzee trying to comprehend a wristwatch. Nor could I recall what color pill I’d picked.

Anyway, once wired for sound, Rick the Technician gave me strict, precise instructions for my part in this test: “Go to sleep, dude.” Luckily for all involved, I was tired. The creepy part of the experience was the infrared camera, helpfully pointed out by Rick, that would record everything I did in my sleep, to include sounds. I am sure by now there are exerpts posted on YouTube. I have no interest in viewing them. Some of you may want to scratch your twisted obsessions’ itch, though, so feel free.

Morning came and the electrodes and strapping came off. I endured this as patiently as anyone who doesn’t like another man standing that close to them in the morning can. Actually that would freak me out any time of the day, but that’s a different post. I washed the electrode glue off my head and put my uniform back on, which I wore because I can put my Garanimals on myself without help. The official result of the test was pretty clear…

I fucking sleep incorrectly. More precisely, I do in fact snore more loudly than Satan’s rusty chain saw, and when not putting him to shame á la Charlie Daniels, I am suffocating myself in some kind of tongue maneuver involving licking the inside of my own stomach. This explains the taste in my mouth every morning. Yes, even this disgusts me, but Rick mentioned that as a heavy porn connoisseur (him, not me, people. Focus!), I likely have a future in that industry if I ever get bored with this Army thing.

Guess I’ll keep that mental post it handy since this Afghanistan thing pretty much tanks the astronaut bid.

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58 Responses to “Do You Sleep Incorrectly?”

  1. lololol . More an more issues . I’m beyond creeped now .

    I saw in the news ( a week back I think )that nasa was hiring and immediately thought how you might’ve been celebrating , ’tis a shame .

  2. As a woman I am embarrassed to admit, that I am a snorer. I started when massively pregnant with first child. Hubby wore ear plugs for the entire pregnancy, got so used to them, that 19 years and 2 more kids later, he still wears them. So, really..my ‘snoring’ could be merely a figment of his imagination. Yeah…I don’t snore! How would he know! Ha! Thanks, Rants! I just ratified an age-old argument in one exasperatingly long comment! Oh yeah…good luck with that snoring thing…EARPLUGS WORK….

  3. mkultra76 Says:

    Holy crap, man! You may sleep incorrectly, but you’ve got mad writing skills. Satan’s rusty chainsaw??? My dog snores like that. I can hear him snoring when he is inside and I am out. So…is there any “cure” for licking the inside of your own stomach??

  4. Oh, and I thought it was just thunder in the distance I heard last night.

  5. savorthefolly Says:

    the whole tongue thing probably happens because you’re dreaming about blowing yourself. which would also explain the funny taste in your mouth.

  6. Lol!

    “I endured this as patiently as anyone who doesn’t like another man standing that close to them in the morning can. Actually that would freak me out any time of the day, but that’s a different post.”

    Sometimes, when I’m imagining what it would be like being gay (let’s just gloss over that part and pretend I’m normal) this exact thought throws the spanner in the works.

  7. I was wired, studied, measured and found wanting of a Cpap machine to keep me from destroying what brain cells I had left.

  8. I shit you not, I actually fell out of bed last night and cracked my head open. My wife thought we were being robbed. Maybe blogging and sleeping are loosely connected in some way.

  9. I think either nasal spray or Breathe-Right strips would have been better. Also, I’m sure your wife could have told you what the results of that test were going to be.

  10. So . . . when you get some zzzz’s . . . you share some zzzz’s with everyone in hearing distance. Good to know.

    I could never do a sleep study like that . . . unless it included a catheter as well as the electrode hoodie.

  11. I feel your pain. Actually, to be more correct, my hubby does. He just got done with his own sleep study a week or so ago. “Mild Apnea” was the diagnosis. Sadly, I knew that 4 years ago and he just hadn’t been forceful enough when the docs told him it was just “allergies” and to take a pill. *headdesk* It took a visit to a neurologist for another problem to spur the study.

    On the upside, the CPAP machines are much quieter and more comfortable than they used to be. I hope whatever you end up with helps and you can get the restful sleep you need. *hugs*

  12. The CPAP is totally awesome, just takes some getting used to, sez my husband. Now, it’s like sleeping next to Darth Vader! (Cue the heavy breathing–“Luke! I’m your father!”) Yeah, he has fun saying some other stuff with the mask on, too…

    Soo much better than the snorting and snoring. I finally convinced my husband to go to the sleep study center after I counted to 17 when he stopped snoring, then stopped breathing…

  13. I grind my teeth at night and have to wear a nightguard…. SIGH…

  14. John Erickson Says:

    I slept in a tent one night with a guy who STOPPED BREATHING. No kidding – he’d snore, snort, grunt, make a couplemore noises that defy description, then he went silent. I actually timed him, and was starting to freak out when I hit 30 seconds. At about 32 he let out a snort that billowed the tent outward, snorted so loud a pig stopped by with roses and romantic intentions, then went back to various snores, snorts, and grunts, until he stopped breathing about 10 minutes later.
    And people wondered why we kept our bayonets purposefully dull….

  15. MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

    I’ll tell ya all something, I don’t know what has happened to my husband, best friend, compainion and lover………….. I have been recently blindsided by issues that relate to this blog or other thingd, IDK. All i know is you, some of you were very generous in your responses to me about the great creative man I have in my life, but don’t let him fool you/ As he doesn’t feel the same way about himse;f as I have tried for 11 yrs to make him believe more in himself and realize his accomplishments, pat himself on the back, w/o going into detail about our wondersul, strong, truststing , loyal and so much more relationship till a cpl weels ago that I just found out had been going on for yrs w/o him manning up about. so however my husband takes this shit on this fucking rants that has obsessed him away from those that love and care deeply for him. I am putting it out as i have no outlet except for him til recently….. God bless you all and care and love one another as there will be those that will fool ou!

    • John Erickson Says:

      Mrs. Rants, I’ve met many people in real life, and a veritable multitude here on the Net. I’ve gotten pretty good at sniffing the BS from the good stuff. Mr. ‘Rants, or more properly Lt. Col ‘Rants, is indeed a good man, a very intelligent and creative person, and like myself, blessed by the heavens above to have found a loving and supporting wife. I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, but I once told him something, and I’ll repeat it to you here. If you don’t understand the significance, ask him and I’m sure he’ll explain.
      I would go through a door with your husband any time, anywhere.

  16. MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

    Thank you John, Matt is a VERY creative man, in so many ways! And it has taken him so long to even share or do with me these creative things that a marriage needs to do. You know, she likes this, so you do. he likes this so you do……… etc…. although this to has not been done thru the yrs as I have constantly been the positive one! Him negtive. On his part and I don’t give a fuck letting you all know the real man behind the demented, creative, intellect so called man of 20 yrs in the army versus the street smart woman w intellect and more so being married and together 11 fucking yrs! Yes I am upset! I can’t stop crying and this is not the strong-Diana -I am! Though I am not one to have virtual, superficial, etc life or friends on the net. Looks as though I am doing this now and fighting for our marriage! I wish I would be more descriptivr to include you / those Ms fucking Sugerlips, butts, tits what the fuck ever! But I can’t and won’t due to our lives! Leave MY man alone! I will let you know the very first day he is free, fair enough???? Our children, family and what little friends we have left are the most important and should be. I was so upset with Ms, Super butt, lips whatever….. I just couldn’t believe when I asked him why he would resoond to such things. He said to be polite. Give me a fucking break.Ms. 30 yr old freaking red head space cadet, you have no clue! Yes I found you and you find someone closer to your age and get the fuck off here unless you want to be something other than trash! If the world of men knew me! They’d be knockling at the door. Looks don’t last forever, but I still have them at 46, but the heart, soul, mind do!!!!!! As I am sure I do not have to or will name. I am a down to earth, blunt , to the point, no superficial crap! As I see and hear from so many everyday……as you John, you just know. I am so angry this has become between us. and that he has chosen to go to Kabul yet again gone!
    whatever happeens I will get on this virtual fucked up world and maybe find a REAL person of truth, honor, courage, loyalty, and you can just imagine the rest I wish to say!
    I am afraid I am losing the great love of my life to these so-called virtual friends that I have stooped low enough to their level, no disrespect intented to you John or some of you others who seemed to real care I was alrif=ght after my stupid Cart wheel trick!. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me as a vampire and in reality have no choice as what to do but get involved in some way. shape, or form to what he has lead me to believe all these yrs,
    Bottom line John, is I can’t believe I am competing w a fucking blog!

  17. MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

    I’ll just fucking send ya’ll a pic of me as i am not the Army! Althought I have lived and given to it! Diana

  18. MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

    And Mr BrainRants, you know what you will lose! This is BS! Your wife, who I don’t have to say all I have done. From the bedroom, oh wait just sending from OUR bedroom to wherever your a! Diana

  19. MRS. BRAINRANTS Says:

    Peeps I am pissed! How do I put a pic on my f’in profile?????

    • savorthefolly Says:

      Mrs. Brainrants. I really hate to interject right here. Really, you’re scaring me shitless. But I’m going to jump in anyway.

      He’s afraid of intimacy.

      That’s what’s going on. If one of us let’s him down in some small way it doesn’t really matter to him. But if he shares something with you, and it disappoints him in the same small way, it won’t hurt him so much.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        I mean it WILL hurt him. A lot.

        I don’t know if I have this exactly right cause I don’t know the specifics of your relationship. But I do know how these things generally work.

  20. savorthefolly Says:

    For what it’s worth, it really seems to me from reading the blog, that he loves you very much.

    Anyway, I’ll shut the fuck up right now.

    • I second that, Diana. The impression I’ve gotten from reading this blog and talking to your husband is that Matt is a very caring, funny man who is obsessed with only 2 things: his wife, and his country. Everyone and everything else seems to be fair game for ranting material.

      The impression I’ve gotten of you is a very cool, supportive woman.

      We all kid and have fun here. That’s why I come here. It’s relaxed and fun. It’s not my place, but I have NEVER seen any reason you should be worried about Matt. And I read the posts and comments nerdigiously 🙂

      About the picture: To add one, go to gravatar.com, upload a photo, and link your email.

      And we may seem like creepy nerdy folks (I know I am!), but I’d love you to join us 🙂

    • Mrs. B – I’ll third it. I know I have communication issues with my husband and can only imagine how much tougher it is to communicate with a military man. They’re a special breed … but he picked you so I’m pretty sure you’re a very special woman. Most people find it easier to express stuff in writing that they can’t talk about with their spouses so try not to look at the blog as taking him away … I’m guessing it is helping to keep him sane.

      And Mr. B – Give your lady a little extra attention man. I can only imagine how pissed she is about you heading out in the near future … even if she doesn’t say so. One of the reasons I could never be with anyone in the military is that I couldn’t deal at all with being left for months (or years) at a time.

      OK, time for me to shut the fuck up too.

  21. […] The Investigation Of My Sleep – Continued Okay, I’ve put at least two solid posts up here describing the sonic torture I can inflict on everyone in mine and surrounding counties due to my snoring issue. I believe the last post was in November where I tried once again for a clear answer about the level of fucked-up-edness in my sinuses and throat. Check out the background here. […]

  22. […] Should you have lots of time, click these in order from left to right and read: Here, here, here, and here. I arranged those all chronologically and shit. Just for you, […]

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