Grocery Store Bitch

I am beginning to think that like many men out there in the meatscape, I am a total and complete fucking tie-up when it comes to shopping for food. It doesn’t matter what the situation is or the cooking circumstances. If you want store-bought product in-hand, and you’re sending me to the food-getting location, then you need to have an hour or two built into the cooking timeline. And a hefty bank account.

The bottom line up front here of this post is that I completely and totally suck dead rhino ass at collecting and paying for food at the local megamart. Trust me when I say that it matters not whether or not I go to the on-post Commissary (known as the “Comma”) or the various local Kansas food outlets (Dillons, Price Chopper, or the ubiquitous Super Wally World). My ultimate success will be limited. The bigger the store, the more painful the experience is… for me.

The first challenge I face when obtaining food is hunger. Suffice it to say that I consistently fail to plan ahead and ensure I’ve put something from the food realm into my gullet before roaming the shelves like a lost hyena. Intellectually, I know you’re not supposed to grocery shop on an empty stomach. In execution, I fail consistently at the simplest of tasks – feeding myself in this case – so this will only continue until I’ve fully fixed my brain.

The main challenge is the list… The List. If you have no list, you  are fucked and doomed to overspending money on food you do not need or want. This results from the overly-alluring displays of awesome vegetables and fruit (I hate fruit) that looks ready-to-eat just sitting there in the automated-mister-with-thunder-sound-effects bin. Seriously, why would you not come home with one of each dewy vegetable or (disgusting) fruit morsel? Right, as I suspected.

So without a list but armed with a vague memory of a slate of food to be procured (you see where this is going, right?), I meander up and down every aisle just to make sure that I don’t overlook some key product. Mostly this means that I’m relying on the products to remind me of what I need. I can assure you that this technique is expensive and destructive. Anyway, I wander the aisles and scoop up everything that seems delicious or otherwise related to the six items I’m supposed to buy.

Then comes the flyby of the meat counter. Just for all the wives out there: DO NOT LET YOUR MAN WALK BY THE MEAT COUNTER UNATTENDED. Not if you are sticking to a budget. I will normally come home with the equivalent of a half-pig, half-steer, and some freezer-burnt shit from the discount bin if not properly supervised. Do NOT ask me about what goes wrong in the bacon and sausage aisle. It is sexual yet disgusting and involves the Homer Simpson drooly sound.

As I move forward, weaving north and south through the well-lit rows, I keep wondering things like, “Does Di need feminine bias Mountain Scent shaving gel?” and “Do you think we ought to try the Appalachian Oyster Sci-Fi Chowder” just out from ProMesso. Dunno, but it goes in the cart anyway. The bread aisle kills me… sourdough, pumperknickel, rye, and three variants of wheat. Yeah. It’s going in my belly along with the five sandwich-sliced oven-baked roast dead animals I ordered at the deli counter. With cheese. Fuck I’m hungry, and the carnage continues as the voices in my head assist me in my task:

“Yogurt? Why not, it doesn’t look disgusting as cottage cheese… oh… and cheese…. cheese!! (insert heavenly light-falling sound) FUCK LOOK AT ALL THAT GODDAMN CHEESE…  [I scoop bags of it into the cart. Next up: frozen vegetables]…. oh hell yeah. Corn, broccoli, green beans, brussels sprouts, corn-on-cob, spinach, collard greens, … fuck it, if it’s green I’m buying some because I’M FUCKING HUNGRY.”

“Hmmm, ok I seem to recall something about eggs and milk… Roger That… dig behind the milk behind the milk, and… cold… Roger. I’m fucking awesome. Knowing the fresh milk technique and shit. Damn, wait…[checks] ok the eggs are all not broken. Sweet. What? Oh damn, no mom should look that good while getting food… [snap] dammit, focus, dickhead.”

Then the moment of pain: “I’m forgetting something critical. Not the extraneous shit on the list… we’re talking do-or-die items that dinner [currently under production mind you] depends upon. No sweat.. pull out my cell phone.. oh shit where is it… fuck me it’s in my Army hat back at the house. FuckmeFuckmeFuuuuuuuuckme. Think….use the brain…wherever it is…”

“Tomatoes. Yeah, can’t go wrong with tomatoes. Oh, and lettuce. We’re probably having salad too… so need green onions and …. that… oh and that too… it’s green. Delicious salad. Squash… why the fuck not? Really. It will go with the pork chops we are cooking next month. Hey, charcoal… yeah, I’m not grilling tonight but you know, you can never have too much charcoal… and… AWESOME! … batteries. Yeah. My MP3 will be rocking the fuck out. Wish I had my MP3 player now to rock this store.”

“Shit… did we need tortillas? Yeah, we always need tortillas. And more shredded cheese for burritos… shit and some more meat to put into the burritos… wait, we were gonna cook schnitzel. Cabbage… onions… gravy mix and one, two, three…. seven, eight mandatory spices. Check. Those were probably on the list, mainly. Especially the garlic and onion powder. And the salt. Holy shit, sugar is on sale…”

Forty-five minutes later:

“Good god, this cart is hard to maneuver through the checkout weave… Christ physics sucks ass… stupid laws of momentum… Damn you, Sir Isaac… shit Di loves those German Christmas cookies…snag! Holy dump look at the tree-shaped marzipan holiday treats… we love marzipan… nom nom nom.”

Checkout Lady: “ID please… thank you… paper or plastic?” [swipes shit over the scanner for most of 20 minutes]… “That will be $209.13.”

For six items? Seriously?

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58 Responses to “Grocery Store Bitch”

  1. Now I know why my Ex’s trips for groceries were such a bust! Thanks for clearing up that matter.

  2. “suck dead rhino ass”…dingdingding! I think we have a winner! HIlarious…reminds me when I was little and my dad had to do the grocery shopping ONCE when my mom was in the hospital. SO FUNNY..we thought we were in food heaven! He bought stuff my mom wouldn’t even have dreamt to have bought! Love it!

  3. I hate…no wait…I loathe grocery shopping. It is the bane (amongst other things) of my existence.

  4. Don’t worry. I check out the MILFS at the grocery store too…

  5. FANTASTIC POST! “If you have no list, you are fucked …” – PRICELESS! Thanks for, once again, starting my day off right!

  6. On the bright side you probably never hear, “You forgot to get something.”

  7. Freakishly accurate I must say ….. everything is ‘potentially useful attitude’ to the meat section . Also , there was this one point , where my Mom tried to get me to get veggies ,good ones and then in a couple of days she stopped asking .

  8. Since this seems to be a regular thing for you, why haven’t you started carrying the damn list?
    My wife writes a good one (even I can cobble one together – seriously, we have a checklist hanging on the fridge of stuff we regularly use), and I manage to not buy more than a dozen extra things when I go on my own.

    Though it would be harder if I lived in England – Steak flavored potato chips?!? Who the hell can resist that?

  9. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    YEESSSS! *fist pump* I commented before John Erickson did! Halliuejuah, a life goal now accomplished!

  10. Rachel Smith Says:

    This is hilarious, mostly because it is so true of my own husband. I very rarely send him to the store unless it’s a dire situation. Even with a very specific list, he will inevitably purchase the wrong item, or the wrong brand, but it will be some variation of what I asked for and therefore he thinks he’s done a good job (IE: I sent him to pick up Kroger brand cool-whip in the refrigerated section and he returned home, quite proud of himself, with reddi-whip in a spray can– I can’t make pie with reddi-whip in a spray can). But if he comes home with said items and I am upset because they are wrong, I am the naggy wife who can’t be pleased. It’s quite comical actually but I try to avoid that at all costs.

  11. Becoming Bitter Says:

    My mom gets so pissed whenever (if ever) my dad gets put on grocery shopping duty. He always overspends. List or no list it doesn’t matter. You’re killing me BrainRants with your rants. I’m so glad I don’t drink or eat anything while reading them.

  12. I am an expert shopper of course, but I will say when Katherine’s along, I spend less!

  13. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    LOL. That is too funny..my husband is over 6 ft. tall and weighs about 230 pds and I have seen him almost get stuck in the milk cooler trying to get the gallon in the verrrrry back. And then it never fails – he looks at me and says is so n so date good? (its always at least 2 wks away..) You men and your fear of spoiled milk..(and I think fruit stinks – veggies rule)

  14. I can take a list with me and still forget to pick up one of the items (usually the main item). And fruit is not disgusting – it is lusciously sweet and juicy.

  15. John Erickson Says:

    My problem was always brands. Hey, one can of tomato sauce is the same as another, right? What? Light sodium sun-ripened pureed not-frozen-first-but-last WHAT?!?
    Hook me to the cart, and give me a car magazine. I’ll push half the dang store in front of me, no problem. Just don’t make me figure out what the difference is between the 37 different types of chicken noodle soup!
    (Or in my case, get yourself unable to work, then let the wife pick up the stuff. “Pack mule” requires VERY little frustration tolerance! 😀 )

  16. savorthefolly Says:

    that was very charming my dear.

  17. ROTFL! Awesome! But I think you’ll have to take my hubby’s man-card away. Lately, he does most of the shopping, always remembers the list, and still forgets stuff from time to time … usually the one thing I really needed. 🙄

  18. I’m somewhat at a loss about your problem, for two reasons. I always understood that, Women Shop, Men Buy. Also I thought that Army guys, and especially tankers, were precise and prepared. Forgot both the list and the telephone? At my age, I could see it, but at yours?

    Stopped into a store with the wife this past week. She had a list. We just need 4 items she said. An hour and $89.00 later…yeah, try to steer that sucker.

    She sends me out with very explicit instructions, and/or a list. Go to Kroegers, they have XXX on sale. I spend an hour walking up and down aisles looking for the sale display. I now have a choice, go home without the item because it wasn’t on sale or, go home with the item, for which I’ve paid too much. Doesn’t matter, the first thing she says is, “you’re late.” Second thing she says is, “Why did you go to Kroegers? It was on sale at Meijer.”

  19. Since I don’t know how to cook (yes, horrible I know), I deal with this same thing as the market. I’ll have a “list” my boyfriend makes and forget about what to buy. I’ll come home with $30 worth of snacks by the end of it, haha.

  20. no burritos? continue…

  21. With all that meat & bread but no fruit it sounds like you forgot to buy laxatives hehe. Another top banana post thou mate, i love how you kept the constant thought tangents up right until the end…every single product inside those places is specifically displayed to distract you into thinking you couldn’t survive for another moment without them. Hungry shopping = impulse trolleydash towards conveyor belt of droolsome dreams

  22. Oh lord, this sounds like my shopping trips. I obsess over the discount meat section, buy cheese by the truckload, and overall should never go shopping without my husband to guide me.

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