Earth-Shaking Weekend

I haven’t really put up a post that rolls up my weekend in a snarky way since some degree of normalcy returned to the house once Di got back on her feet after the Great Cartwheel Disaster of 2011. In fact, there is really not a lot about this weekend that was earth-shaking at all execpt the fact that the earth shook.

That last sentence up there was intentional. We actually did have an earthquake here in Kansas. Yes, Kansas. I had nearly forgotten the fact since it was largely buried in the intoxicated haze that Saturday night became and mercifully ended. My good and long-time friend Joe Coors dropped by on Friday after hearing I’d had a particularly odd week, and after a great impromptu one-arm curl competition (he won) he came back on Saturday night to let me try and kick his ass again but brought his buddy Jack with him.

I had spent at least a few hours working myself into a righteously aggrivated case of the ass while attempting to seal up some of the windows here in this 108 year old house. It came with the original double-hung ones backstopped with storm windows installed probably around 1965. I only speculate at that because they won’t come out anymore. Anyway, suffice it to say that the plastic saran-wrap shrinky-dink shit that you can tape over a window does an adequate job at getting the “r-Value” of these windows up into the realm of positive numbers. If you get it to take, that is.

By the time of this earthquake, I had largely finished, angrily noting that the sheeting I’d carefully put up was self-removing after a whopping 20 minutes of stopping cold air. That, along with the fact that Saturday was my “where the fuck did I just put my ____” (insert noun) day did nothing to improve my mood. Di had given up attempting to speak to me because I had mainly reverted to peppering strings of swear words with an occasional non-epithetic English term. I was seriously considering lawn bags and packing tape at that point, but of course couldn’t find the tape to save my ass.

Several forays into the yard to whack down the remnants of now-unproductive tomato plants and beans did nothing to take the edge of epic failure off of the night, though I have to admit that hacking away in the darkness, barefoot, with a machete is risky but cathartic. At least the mulch pile got more out of the garden than we did this year. Ah, I digress.

Sitting and checking email, hoping for that anticipated love letter from Salma Hayek (which I did not get either), it happened. Di didn’t even notice, and to be honest I about missed it. Then again, we’re both ex-Californians and have a high threshold for earthquakes. Turns out that Oklahoma actually had one of the 5.6 variety and merely felt it all the way up here. A Californian will just keep on doing whatever they were at without pause for anything that small.

And just when I was getting used to the idea of tornados.



28 Responses to “Earth-Shaking Weekend”

  1. There’s no place like home…

  2. savorthefolly Says:

    awww….you poor little dear.

    • savorthefolly Says:

      I dug up this quote, thought it might put your troubles in perspective, “You could make it over the top by coming by with a 15″ strap-on latex cock and giving me some more brutal prison sex. For added realism, please leave the KY at home. I recommend a sandpaper condom for safety.”

      see? now don’t you feel just a tiny bit better?

  3. First the mid-Atlantic states get one in late summer, now the ole’ breadbasket gets one in November. I suspect a blizzard to hit L.A. any day now.

  4. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Felt the quake down here in my neck of the woods, too.
    You kill me with your “good and long time friend Joe Coors”…reminds me of that George Thorogood (however u spell his name) song he sings about his “Good Ole Buddy Weiser…”

  5. From yesterday – as usual.

    My son has a collection of 8 or 10 semi-precious stone skulls, from golfball to softball size. Agate, pink quartz, citrine. Yours looks like plastic.

    A woman in town used to display a full-size crystal skull in the window of the motel where she lived. You may have read about it. She was the daughter of an archeologist, who discovered it in Guatemala (or Ecuador, or Lichstenstein or somesuch)

  6. Here’s my impression of Kansas:
    Wheat. wheat, wheat, Stuckey’s, wheat, wheat, wheat, Stuckey’s..
    In other news, I was once nearly thrown out of a Wichita Wingnuts game.

  7. John Erickson Says:

    Yeah, we felt that East Coast one here in Ohio. No biggie, just weird.
    You definitely need a sword. Not only does it fulfill your need to occasionally whack the CRAP outta something, but your neighbors get REAL respectful when they see you out in the yard, hacking an old landscape timber with 3.5 feet of cold steel! 😀

  8. I lived in Kansas all my life, minus the last two years or so, and there is no getting used to tornadoes. Take my word for it.

  9. savorthefolly Says:

    hey where is everyone? let’s get this party started! *dances off*

  10. Sorry to hear that Salma has been so reticent of late. Hope you hear from her soon. 😉

  11. That plastic window shit is no joke!! My mother and I used to live in a 20 year old mobile home with single pane windows… You could hear and feel air coming through the closed window. Taped & sealed those damn things and saved $100 a month on our power bill!

    I also really enjoyed pulling the plastic as tight as possible and quadruple blow-drying the plastic to make it super tight. Then if people tapped on your ghetto windows it sounded kind of like glass!

  12. Remember the earthquake guessing games people play in California? It’s true, we didn’t stir or bristle for anything under a 6.0 I once walked into a bar just as an aftershock hit and all the glasses were rattling up above in the racks. Sat down and joined in the guessing game. “4.7!” “5.2!” and “That was at least a 5.4”. Then the news comes on 15 minutes later and announces the official results. Good times. good times.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    “A Californian will just keep on doing whatever they were at without pause for anything that small.” Well, some of us would. I know some folks who’ve been here for years and still get freaked out with earthquakes. They don’t bother me much, though those over 6.5 that are close to use can be interesting.

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