Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part One

I get this question more than you can imagine. Then again, perhaps you’re not very surprised. I’ve noted before I have a bit of a filter problem. By that, I mean, I am missing whatever neuron I’m supposed to have that diverts the mouth-moving-words-coming-out+content signal into the clearing barrel (ArmySpeak for a container full of sand that you can safely fire a chambered round in order to clear your weapon and render it safe / unloaded). I like to think that’s the bad news, because the good news is I’ve not really gotten in serious trouble for want of one. Except maybe for the Fat Lady Haircut remark. I also believe this is good news because lots of people around me have let me know how entertaining I can be. In fact, the guys I worked with in Afghanistan made me a tee shirt with five of my choicer utterances when I left for home. Hmm, blog post idea in that one.

Anyway, a sampling of some of the choice shit that falls out of my soup cooler:

“…(meet my request / demand) or I start throwing out dead midgets every ten minutes.”

“‘Or else’ what? Send me to Afghanistan?” (said in response to an ‘or else’ threat to me. In Afghanistan.)

“Shut up and get on the bus.”

“Hooooray for booooobies!” (Loudly, in public, with Di and for no particular reason)

“Ok, can you put a grownup on the phone now?”

“You wore hockey gear as a kid, didn’t you?”

“I would never shit you. You are my favorite turd.” (In response to, “Are you shitting me?”)

“I’m not yelling at you. I’m yelling in your presence.”

“Does your mom know you’re playing Army today?”

“Don’t forget to wipe!” (Loudly, in public, while dropping off Daughter Units for some event)

Yes, I actually have said all of these at some point, out loud. Sometimes very loud. I am sick enough to think that being described as ‘a handful’ is not only manly but a compliment as well.

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61 Responses to “Did You Just Say That Out Loud? Part One”

  1. Ahahah XD . Entertaining for sure . 😛 .

  2. lmao.. I love it! reminds me of someone I know….

  3. Of course “Hooray for boooooooobies” is the best!

  4. All of the women on my mother’s side of the family suffer from this very same filter issue. My husband looks at me quite often and says, “Really, Lexi?!”

    I find it quite hilarious, he usually just wants to smack me or act like he doesn’t know me.

  5. Can I steal some? Please? If you want I can mutter ‘copyright BrainRants’ after doing so.

  6. Becoming Bitter Says:

    *shakes head* My respect for you grows each day. Glad to know I’m not the only one who yells commands or – embarrassing and funny things in public.

  7. LOL … thanks for the much needed giggles this morning. 🙂

    And I have to ask … are you my husband’s long lost twin?

  8. Looking forward to part two. Good post.

  9. Please email me! I have a question about your blog! 🙂

    HeatherVonsj@gmail.com

  10. No. 2 is my favorite gotta say.

  11. OMG. My dad still says, “Don’t forget to wipe! Towards the Wall!” to me when I leave…I’m glad to know I am not alone at the receiving end of this one haha.

  12. jennygoth Says:

    ive often shouted dont forget the condoms lol when my girls were going out awful i know but made me laugh xxjen

  13. HILARIOUS. My favorite: “Hooooray for booooobies!” (Loudly, in public, with Di and for no particular reason)

    Totally something my dad would have done (marine and then a cop so you know he had ZERO filters – I inherited that little trait).

    I’m tweeting this post. Awesome.

  14. Love it & will be following 🙂

  15. I’ve said recently words substantially similar to “Of all the places I’ve worked, this is one of them.” I’ve also said “I’m NOT blaming you. I’m just saying this is your fault.” And the one and only time my wife tried to embarrass me in a grocery store, by asking me to carry tampons, I yelled “ARE YOU SURE YOU DON”T NEED SOME HEAVY FLOWS OR A PACK OF WASHCLOTHS?” On a dare I once asked an old lady cashier at a drugstore if she had any page turners or small condoms, because I had a cut on my finger and I didn’t want to get any digitally transmitted diseases. But I’ve made this about me, and this is your blog. So I apologize for taking up so much time, and I’ll leave the rest of this page for all the other people who are waiting in line to post their comments on your blog.

  16. Savor the folly Says:

    I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I have the very same lack of filter. For awhile on the Idiots blog my nickname was whydontyoutelluswhatyoureallythink. It got too unwieldy so he changed it.

  17. I wish I could be more like you. Sometimes I’m too subtle with what I want to say, and then I end up shouting IN ALL CAPS!!!!!

  18. My ass was in stitches with this one!

  19. I love that you say things with such confidence and don’t keep it inside your mind. My boss has told me on many occasions that I speak without a filter, whether he considers it good or bad I cannot tell.

    – Lisaa @ BitchinRants.com

    • Lisa, eventually someone will find and value that in the workplace. Well shit, maybe in a relationship too, but then I don’t know you that well. Don’t filter yourself.

  20. John Erickson Says:

    Love the A-stan one. And you definitely need to stop holding back, and learn to say what you really feel. 😉

    • How I normally “really” feel is a long, five-minute primal rage bellow that is heard in surrounding counties. I’ve mainly translated that here. Sort of.

  21. I totally get the filter reference. What people don’t understand about me is how much I’ve mellowed with age. Really.

  22. My wife, despite her efforts to train me has (mostly) come to grips that my filter is quite possibly as damaged as the rest of me.

  23. Oh my god, the favorite turd made me laugh out loud, very loudly in fact. woke the dog up on that one.

  24. like the “i’m yelling in your presence”. continue…

  25. I am stealing this one…“I would never shit you. You are my favorite turd.”

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