Rant: Stupid Drivers

With the road trip I described recently, I had the thrill of experiencing the worst instances of driving this country has to offer. Most of this rant will focus on highway driving because of this. Believe it or not, I tend to maintain a pretty even keel most of the time, but there are annoying habits that fucktards out on the roads of the world show that really set me off.

Late Lefties. Few things ass me up faster than a jackwad who will tool up to a stoplight, sit there a minute to allow me to commit to following his clueless ass through the light, and then signal a left turn. This shit makes me wish for lots of wealth so I could floor my car and push his retarded ass into the cross-traffic and laugh as he gets t-boned out of the gene pool. Then just let my insurance cover the clean-up.

Merge Dicks. This happens on those thankfully-rare times when lanes constrict and drivers have to collectively self-administer a fair way to turn three lanes of freeway mess into one. Normally this defaults to alternating lines proceeding nicely forward, but then there’s the assmunch who is so clearly more important that he has to sneak in out of turn. These fuckwits are invariably on a cell phone, too, and avoid eye contact because they know they’re being a fuckwit, which proves prior intent.

Cruise Creeps. I must be a magnet for asshats who refuse to use cruise control and can’t decide whether to go fast or slow. This is the idiot who will pass me, get back in my lane, and then somehow realize they’re going too fast and slow down. Which of course makes me have to then pass them in return, thereby resetting the drama to repeat again. I like to match speed with these freaks as they attempt to pass and explore their notions of adventure.

Trucker ‘Tard. Nothing is better than watching a trucker pull out to pass another trucker, and on a hill no less. This shit can go on for miles as the passer gradually eats away the passee’s lead inch by excruciating inch. Meanwhile, behind them, traffic is backing up for miles. I often suspect that some truckers believe the highway system was created exclusively for them. I am often tempted to remind them of just how physics works with the two-degree-of-freedom connection between the trailer and tractor by slamming on my brakes immediately in front of them. Dangerous for me too, but very tempting.

Flow Breaker I. For some reason, I can be completely alone on a highway, but once I get my cruise control all perfectly tuned, bam!ย – ย suddenly there are two assholes ahead of me. Though a glance in the rearview would clearly show I’m going much faster than the asshat I’m bearing down on, said asshat decides, at the last minute, that he’s gotta pass now. And does. This forces me to brake, totally ruining the nice flow of the cruise control I just set. One of these days I’m just going to not brake and push his unaware ass ahead of me.

Flow Breaker II. This asshole is the fucker right next to me, normally lurking in my blind spot who is passing me slowly, because he’s going about 1.5mph faster. So as he executes this trucker-esque passing maneuver (see above), naturally dead ahead is an even slower dude just minding his own business but will require me to pass. Following so far? Awesome. Now, creeping passer of course sees all this going on but can’t be troubled to just goose the gas a little to allow me to slide in behind him and pass. That might require expenditure of a whole .3 calories of labor, right? So I have to break cruise control while Mr. Creeper rams another Big Mac into his jowly pie hole.

Maybe I’m a picky, angry bastard. I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t care. But the way some folks drive like clueless retards just sandpapers my balls raw.


61 Responses to “Rant: Stupid Drivers”

  1. I am glad to say that I am none of these, although my Rockstar will say that my driving leaves something to be desired. I am the person who is driving at insanely high speeds, weaving in and out of traffic, trying to get to where I’m going. I perhaps cut some people off, but I do it so quickly they generally don’t even know I was there. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am never inconsiderate though.

  2. *sigh* , when you say ‘one you these days you’ll….” it worries me , it really does :p

  3. I feel your pain!!!


  4. You read my mind! I have a bad drivers post ready to publish as well, but you covered all the core basics. Beat me to the punch!

    • Yeah, but there’s no copyright on ideas, and certainly not any control measure on Road Douchebags, so publish away! You might have better descriptive language.

  5. Definitely hate when people drive beside me. Pass me already!

  6. Sometimes it seems as if there are more bad than good drivers out there. I’m the exception, of course.

  7. I love the teenage girls on the cell phones who tail gate me. They’re always in a Ford Focus too, and I’m tempted to slam on my brakes and get the proper 1968 Impala rear bumper I’ve been coveting. Little do these girls know that bumper cost more than their entire car.

  8. You’ve hit every one of my petpeeves with pin-point precision. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Just reading those made me angry to the point of going out and committing mass vehicular man-slaughter. I won’t; but if I could…

  9. Merge lanes confuse most 90 year olds…yes, they still drive and always when I’m behind them. *sigh* I end up driving..hmm..wait…I can’t convert, I can’t convert…40km/hr…..slowly, in what is supposed to be a 100km/hr zone.

  10. Do you by chance live in Western New York? 75% of people here do ALL THAT SHIT. Drives me up a wall.

  11. Bahaha, I feel your pain. I wrote a blog about the drivers in my town.

    Don’t come to St. Cloud, MN.

    Worst city to drive in..in the history of ever.

  12. My biggest annoyance is people who go JUST UNDER the speed limit. The limit could be 35 but they INSIST on going 32. It’s bad enough I have to follow speed limit laws. It’s even worse when I know I’m now going to get to my destination even slower because some dipwad can’t even follow directions and speed the fuck up.

  13. Rachel Smith Says:

    Flow Breaker II pisses me off worse than any other.

  14. “Cruise Creeps. I must be a magnet for asshats who refuse to use cruise control and canโ€™t decide whether to go fast or slow.”

    This happens to me every time I drive to the next town. I don’t understand it. And then they look at me like I’m the one causing the issue. Clearly with cruise control I am going the same speed so all this extra work is not my fault. I hate creeps.

  15. Well said…and I thought I was the only one who gets pissed off by these stupid drivers.

  16. Always a day late and an IQ point short.

    You seemed all for capitalism when my neighbors were running a business illegally in a residential area, but when it came to stores and malls doing the same, upsteam of the calendar, suddenly the word “heathen” came out.

    Care to comment on how much of a “Good Christian” you are, or is it none of my, or anyone else’s business?

  17. John Erickson Says:

    Gotta admit, I have been that late-merging idiot. Then again, it was back in my days of driving Chicago freeways during early or late rush hour, when the roads made “Road Warrior” look like a how-to Driver’s Ed instruction.
    Mind you, when I was driving to and from Springfield (Illinois) during a consulting gig, I-55 was the most polite road I’d ever driven – right up until the sign announcing Aurora. South of there, it was “drive right, pass left, signal, be courteous”. North of that Aurora sign, well, where do you think I got all the inspirations for armed cars from? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  18. so re #1. what ur saying is: if that putz woulda had his signal on all along u wouldn’t a been stuck behind him – right? i rest my case. continue…

  19. In Vino Veritas. You had me worried for a while. All too often, the “heathen” flingers are all too serious. I can see clearly now, the shades of grey also. Glad to hear you’re not a “Good Christian.” You’re probably a much better man for it. Keep ranting.

  20. Sounds like my commute every day… Shit blows, hard. 52 miles to get to work, through Starbucks drinking Nissan Leaf drivers and country-wide truck drivers. Looovvvee Seattle!

  21. I’m a big proponent of the “if everyone drove like I did everyone would be safer and get to places faster” mentality. One of my major pet peeves is when people take forever to realize the light is green. Not just the person in front – although I believe that person has a special responsibility – but everyone who takes three seconds to realize the person in front of them went and it takes the entire duration of the light just for the line to start moving. It’s madness!!

  22. Ah, these all annoy the shit out of me. The late mergers don’t usually get past me … I straddle the lane just to piss them off (full sized pick-ups are good for something other than carrying a lot!). And the tailgaters? They are one of the reasons I still drive a stick. Too much fun watching their eyes bug out when I slow down using the tranny instead of the brakes … *evil grin*

    • I used to do that when I owned a manual trans truck also!

    • John Erickson Says:

      That’s why I love my Cavalier – it’s got a hand-lever “parking brake”. Give it a good yank while moving, and the car slows about 3mph – just enough to panic the tailgaters, ’cause it doesn’t light the brake lights! ๐Ÿ˜€
      (Yes, I can be a little poop when I want. ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

  23. lol.. i think those are the official titles

  24. […] have foud someone who has some of the same issues and complaints I do. Please enjoy his rants Brain Rants Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

  25. You just totally described my drive home from vacation today. Zen state = ruined.

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