Rant: Stupid Drivers
With the road trip I described recently, I had the thrill of experiencing the worst instances of driving this country has to offer. Most of this rant will focus on highway driving because of this. Believe it or not, I tend to maintain a pretty even keel most of the time, but there are annoying habits that fucktards out on the roads of the world show that really set me off.
Late Lefties. Few things ass me up faster than a jackwad who will tool up to a stoplight, sit there a minute to allow me to commit to following his clueless ass through the light, and then signal a left turn. This shit makes me wish for lots of wealth so I could floor my car and push his retarded ass into the cross-traffic and laugh as he gets t-boned out of the gene pool. Then just let my insurance cover the clean-up.
Merge Dicks. This happens on those thankfully-rare times when lanes constrict and drivers have to collectively self-administer a fair way to turn three lanes of freeway mess into one. Normally this defaults to alternating lines proceeding nicely forward, but then there’s the assmunch who is so clearly more important that he has to sneak in out of turn. These fuckwits are invariably on a cell phone, too, and avoid eye contact because they know they’re being a fuckwit, which proves prior intent.
Cruise Creeps. I must be a magnet for asshats who refuse to use cruise control and can’t decide whether to go fast or slow. This is the idiot who will pass me, get back in my lane, and then somehow realize they’re going too fast and slow down. Which of course makes me have to then pass them in return, thereby resetting the drama to repeat again. I like to match speed with these freaks as they attempt to pass and explore their notions of adventure.
Trucker ‘Tard. Nothing is better than watching a trucker pull out to pass another trucker, and on a hill no less. This shit can go on for miles as the passer gradually eats away the passee’s lead inch by excruciating inch. Meanwhile, behind them, traffic is backing up for miles. I often suspect that some truckers believe the highway system was created exclusively for them. I am often tempted to remind them of just how physics works with the two-degree-of-freedom connection between the trailer and tractor by slamming on my brakes immediately in front of them. Dangerous for me too, but very tempting.
Flow Breaker I. For some reason, I can be completely alone on a highway, but once I get my cruise control all perfectly tuned, bam! – suddenly there are two assholes ahead of me. Though a glance in the rearview would clearly show I’m going much faster than the asshat I’m bearing down on, said asshat decides, at the last minute, that he’s gotta pass now. And does. This forces me to brake, totally ruining the nice flow of the cruise control I just set. One of these days I’m just going to not brake and push his unaware ass ahead of me.
Flow Breaker II. This asshole is the fucker right next to me, normally lurking in my blind spot who is passing me slowly, because he’s going about 1.5mph faster. So as he executes this trucker-esque passing maneuver (see above), naturally dead ahead is an even slower dude just minding his own business but will require me to pass. Following so far? Awesome. Now, creeping passer of course sees all this going on but can’t be troubled to just goose the gas a little to allow me to slide in behind him and pass. That might require expenditure of a whole .3 calories of labor, right? So I have to break cruise control while Mr. Creeper rams another Big Mac into his jowly pie hole.
Maybe I’m a picky, angry bastard. I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t care. But the way some folks drive like clueless retards just sandpapers my balls raw.