No Clue: More Shit I Don’t Understand
Back in September (2011) I was on the road and visually and sonically reminded that I am becoming an old fucker. This is because I am finding more and more shit out there in the world that I don’t understand. I suspected that I’d find more, and I was right. If you want to review the first one, it’s right here. As these turds have floated to the top of my mental toilet, I’ve put them in here:
Stupid, cutesey nicknames for famous people. I’m referring to the tendency of the media to append nicknames to famous folks like “JLo,” “ScarJo,” and so on. Even worse, we now have to wrap up celebrity pairs this way: “TomKat,” “Brangelina,” and I’m sure there’s another set of retards who qualify because they’re banging each other. Or everyone. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that we accept this shit as consumers, or that the media believes we’re so retarded that we have to be fed in soundbites made of words with two or fewer syllables. I like to think we have a vote, and the voting booth looks like a remote.
Toddlers In Tiaras. Okay, people, this is some sick ass shit here, and pedophile baiting of the first order. First of all, what kind of parent dresses a girl under 3 up in bras, makeup, and slut-ho clothes in general? Even for Halloween? There are some limits that you don’t cross, so pull their parent card and sterilize them so they don’t fuck up again – literally. Add to that the whole pageant bullshit that only reinforces the poor kid’s faulty programming: “I’m a little diva, I’m the center of the known universe and tantrums are the secret to life.” Last, whoever decided that going and reinforcing the parental unit’s behavior by putting the failwad on TV should just be shot, but two or three at a time to save ammo.
Manscaping. I see this as not only a commercially-generated new revenue attempt (sort of like most holidays with Hallmark), but a creepy and homoerotic trend that is disturbing. Why would a guy shave his chest? I thought that was the point: male humans are supposed to be rough and scruffy and hairy. Why also would a guy change his hair color, use exfoliants, facial products, and other shit that previously was only found in the arcane collection of the women’s beauty aisle in a store? To be clear, I will eliminate nose and ear hair as required because nobody else on this planet wants to see that and it tickles and is irritating. I’ll even clip an eyebrow hair or two when they get completely out of control and decide to grow perpendicular to my skin, but rest assured that in 40 years I’ll have an impressive set of Andy Rooney eyebrows that will win fair prizes. And people wonder at the gradual effeminatization of American men…
Well that’s the latest edition of Shit I Don’t Understand. I’ll continue to add more because this is a self-generating topic. I keep getting assaulted by this shit from all sides, so the only thing required on my part is to take notes and share.