Hitting The Road: The Return

As promised, you all get to share the fun of driving home from Las Vegas. I mentioned a few blog posts back that we’re on a mission to visit aged relatives from the Old Country who wanted to pass on some items to us that couldn’t travel in a suitcase. That part of the mission accomplished, it now remains for us to actually drive back home. At this point both Di and I are wishing for sparkly red pumps and mumbling, “There’s no place like home” as we hope for an easier method of getting to Kansas.

All day yesterday passed while aiming our rental in between the solid line and the dashed line. The saving grace to this part of the trip was that it was daylight as we passed through some truly and awesomely spectacular landscape. I highly recommend a day drive across Utah on I-70. But not much more than that. You figure it out. If you want something shorter and sweeter, definitely do the Virgin River Gorge on that little bit of I-15 that cuts across Arizona.

Some thoughts:

We somehow managed to stumble onto the special truckers-only freeway. At least it seemed that way due to the douchebaggery going on with slow-motion passing and triple-trailer rigs chugging incrementally up a 6% grade.

I was apparently the only motorist on the road with a functioning cruise control yesterday, which explains how I managed to pass the same six assholes five times apiece without stopping on our part. Make up your mind, road douche! Fast, slow, just pick one mode and stick with it before I help you decide with Mr. Shotgun. Quote of the day: “If I have to come outta cruise control one more time, some bitches gonna die.” (BrainRants, 2011)

When visiting old German relatives, any kind of diet you’re on will be put on hold. I will be backing out red cabbage and schnizel for weeks. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Extra win: I sweet-talked the recipe out of Auntie V.

The fetid cheese smell spewing from our vents when using the AC has ended as mysteriously as it began. Win?

Arranging a hotel room with an in-room jacuzzi tub while rocketing along at 80mph can make you a minor hero with your spouse. Soaking in said tub while nipping at the last of the Jack Daniels will make you a minor hero to yourself.

Conversational snippet from the road after several hundred miles of spectacular scenery:

    • ME: “Holy shit, look at that one.”
    • DI: “Wow. It’s like we’re on another planet.”
    • ME: “Yeah…. oh, man, check that out!”
    • DI: “It looks like your dick.”
    • ME: [After a pause] “Are we going to wait until we get a room, or just pull off at the next rest stop?”

According to The Google, we managed 540 miles yesterday. We have 760 left. I’m undecided as to whether I should laugh or cry. It will take a week or so for my ass to un-form from possibly the most uncomfortable seats a car can have.

44 Responses to “Hitting The Road: The Return”

  1. I call the vanishing cheese smell a win. When a woman sees a dick in a rock formation, that’s your clue to pull over…before the moment passes…just sayin’…

  2. Becoming Bitter Says:

    German relatives. You couldn’t have put it better. They don’t really like what we eat and I can’t stand what they eat. Ah… family. Well I’m glad you’re safe and you’re having (some?) fun.

  3. Maybe you should pick up some Combos for the road trip!!!

  4. I have some sparkley shoes you could have borrowed for the trip home… however, they are rainbow colored, so they probably have a special power other than magic transport…

  5. Sadly, I’m usually driving with my wife when I run into these bozos.
    And she steadfastly refuses to let me hit them.

    I feel your pain. Or gout. But there is definitely pain.

  6. Great humor cheerzzzzz ma maan 🙂

  7. So odd, I could’ve sworn the trucks only highway was between here and Memphis, but now I know.

  8. On the road again . . . just can’t wait to get OFF the road again.

    Safe travels!

  9. Aaah , someone should compile your quotes….. Winning with the hottub and jd (^.^) .

  10. Does your wife approve of you spreading your sex life around the interwebs like this, O Wise One? =D

  11. […] Brain Rants:  Bacon Muffins ~ 3 strips of bacon, fried crisp and […]

  12. John Erickson Says:

    It’s safer if you retaliate against the douchebags while she’s driving. Unless you also have front-mounted electrically fired weapons. Might I offer you a couple RPG-7s? Problem – 1 shot. I prefer twin Mk19 40mm grenade launchers. 3 rounds each takes out anything this side of an armour-plated Suburban – not that I know from experience. 90mm recoil-less rifles are a nice option, too, unless you have an old Ontos laying around as a parts car … er … tank.
    Happy trails!

    • Actually if I’m passenger-ing, I’d prefer a .30-06 while hanging my ranty self out of the window.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Then, at the very least, you need an offset or curved barrel, much like the German Krummlauf of WW2. That way you don’t have to hang out the window. mind you, I can also rig your forward-firing weaponry to the co-pilot station with an active gunsight, increasing your accuracy and leaving the driver free to drive undistracted. Alternately, a simple ball mounting in the windshield comes cheap, adapts to many weapons for flexibility, and still allows you to have a second weapon for fire on the broadside.
        See? Ya GOTTA think these things out! 😉

        • All that stuff is a dead giveaway though. Pulling a long gun out unexpectedly allows for proper culling of the gene pool as required, bypassing the occasional successful self-preservation tendency.

        • In other words, the element of surprise is key in offensive operations. L’ audace, L’audace, toujours l’audace.

          • John Erickson Says:

            And for surprise, I can offer you retracting weapons ports, or shoot-through muzzle coverings. Depends on how often you plan to shoot first, shoot some more, and THEN finally get to asking questions.

          • Like a Cadillac: over-engineered.

          • How about this: machete to face, pulled from leather duster concealment? Makes the point, requires no welding or machine work.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Surprise Level: 7
            Fatality Level: 6 (You usually need to swing twice, but the initial impact is startling.)
            Style Level: 2 (Been done to death, literally.)
            Wouldn’t you rather pull out a sawed-off Mk19? Nothing says “Get outta my face” like a 3-round burst of HEDP.

      • This entire conversation could be grounds for FBI involvement. Be glad I’m not a DEA, ATF, or FBI agent…oh wait…

      • Yet you have physical evidence I look like this, act like this, talk like this, or am at all even 1.1119% legit.

  13. I love that little stretch of I-15 through the Virgin River Gorge … it’s gorgeous!

    Safe travels on the last bit of your trip. *hugs*

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