A Letter To WordPress
A comment from SandyLikeABeach prompted me to try and do something about this apparent unfairness with the Freshly Pressed features. I’m off the splash page but still a featured blog under the ‘humor’ topic. Message sent as follows:
——————————————-
Dear Story Wrangler:
I’d like to say thanks for the honor of being Freshly Pressed. It has been interesting to say the least, and I have a lot of new regular readers.
Without being rude or ungrateful, I have to ask at this point, almost two weeks later, do you plan on selecting a new set of featured writers? I think they deserve their fair share, and some have mentioned to me that they think I am a dick.
If you intend to let me remain the FP Humor King, then I will expect a royalty check, free beer, or a custom parking spot, or something. My wife, Di, would love a WordPress tee shirt, keyring, or something similar.
Have a great and wordy day!
BrainRants
—–Original Message—–
From: Erica – WordPress.com [mailto:editor@wordpress.com] Sent: Thursday, October 13, 2011 1:21 PM To: BrainRants Subject: [#967818]: BrainRants Post Promoted at WordPress.comCongrats! Your post (https://brainrants.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/burrito-rage/) has been promoted to Freshly Pressed on the WordPress.com home page.
You’re now part of an elite group! Are you making the most of your WordPress.com site?
* To get a custom .com domain (like yourawesomesite.com) see http://en.support.wordpress.com/domain-mapping/
* To personalize your site’s appearance with custom fonts and CSS, visit http://en.support.wordpress.com/custom-design/
* To learn about how to become a WordPress.com expert, check out http://learn.wordpress.com/
If you’re curious about how the Freshly Pressed posts are selected, see http://en.support.wordpress.com/five-ways-to-get-featured-on-freshly-pressed/
Last but not least, be proud! Tell your friends, family, and blog readers to check out the front page of WordPress.com today!
Erica Story Wrangler WordPress.com | AutomatticHopefully things will return to normal soon.
BrainRants 
October 26, 2011 at 07:47
Di, would love a WordPress tee shirt, < Ahaha bless her. It could be a "I have been freshly pressed" T-shirt.
October 26, 2011 at 07:52
If they only select one per every other week now, I think they could spring for a tee shirt. I like your idea.
October 26, 2011 at 12:11
I would love to wear a shirt that said, “I have been freshly pressed.”
There is a biking lube company called Squirt and they have tshirts for women that say, “Girls Squirt, too!”
Who doesn’t love a good sexual innuendo??
October 26, 2011 at 13:12
We all do. Not sure ‘I’ve been freshly pressed’ is obvious enough.
October 26, 2011 at 07:50
poor freshly pressed story wranglers. you ARE quite amusing… maybe they have been spellbound!
October 26, 2011 at 07:53
I seriously doubt it, ‘Belle. I suspect there’s a dead guy undiscovered in his mom’s basement…
October 26, 2011 at 07:51
Awesomesauce.
October 26, 2011 at 08:21
With freshly pressed chips.
October 26, 2011 at 07:55
Haha! This is great! I was wondering when they were going to change the Freshly Pressed people. Not that you didn’t deserve to be up there for so long! 😉
October 26, 2011 at 08:27
You know the odd thing is, I didn’t think that was one of my better posts, but thanks.
October 26, 2011 at 07:59
Sheesh. Fresh Pressed for two weeks and now you want a tee shirt and a key ring?
Some folks let success go straight to their head.
But if you do get them to give away stuff, put me down for a bag of macadamia nuts, an anvil and some chicken feet. ( I need some props for a future post.)
October 26, 2011 at 08:27
*scribbles* Ok got it. Soda? Fries?
October 26, 2011 at 08:11
I WAS wondering who I could pay off to get that much free publicity.
October 26, 2011 at 10:50
I left the actual email of the WP editor up there in the post.
October 26, 2011 at 08:19
Unfortunately, I am one of your new readers. Not for me! I am enjoying the ride very much; but for you it seems a bit overwhelming. Luckily, I don’t comment much. In fact I am only commenting today to warn you: I Googled AutoTopic to see if WP had a list of topics from the past and your blog was listed on the first page. A lot. You may want to avoid using the words Auto-Topic in your title and editing the current ones. Only if you don’t want to be found that way.
To you and your commenters – as far as I am concerned you should all be FPed regularly (which sounds truly violent and dirty) – I haven’t enjoyed staring at a computer screen this much in ages! Thanks for the laughs 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 09:37
Sadly, there is no entry in Urban Dictionary for FPed.
October 26, 2011 at 09:55
Be my guest… it’s yours.
October 26, 2011 at 15:10
Finally Penetrated. Basically, you’ve been a FP virgin for far too long, Rants. ;D
October 26, 2011 at 16:16
Well now that is ‘an’ interpretation…
October 26, 2011 at 17:10
An accurate one too, I reckon.
October 26, 2011 at 17:47
You do know that mouth of yours will get your ass beaten someday, right? Just sayin.’
October 26, 2011 at 22:10
They have tried. so far, they have failed. Those days in the gym helped in the end after all. =D
October 26, 2011 at 08:48
Don’t forget the beer mug. Always ask for a beer mug.
October 26, 2011 at 09:17
Damn, good catch!
October 26, 2011 at 11:38
rotfl
October 26, 2011 at 08:50
It’s really annoying the way they try and pimp you out isn’t it? My dashboard keeps asking if I want to go pro. I want to remind them that I wrote a post about NOT becoming a prostitute…
October 26, 2011 at 09:17
Just blew coffee on my lap. Rock on!
October 26, 2011 at 10:06
Yeah, I don’t think you read that one…
October 26, 2011 at 10:50
I did, but didn’t trust myself to reply.
October 26, 2011 at 10:55
Ah. I trust you.
October 26, 2011 at 11:09
Oh really?
October 26, 2011 at 10:57
I checked. You did reply. Don’t worry, you behaved. 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 09:19
Imagine my dismay when I logged on to WordPress this morning and Burrito Rage was no longer prominently displayed on the Freshly Pressed page. I wasn’t able to shake my head, chuckle to myself and think “Brainrants is going to be pissed that he’s still on FP.” Kudos to you, sir, for a long, well deserved run (and I didn’t think it was your best post, either, but you definitely deserved to be noticed by the FP police).
I would doff my hat if I were wearing one because I know you answered every comment. That to me is even more impressive!!
October 26, 2011 at 09:28
Well, as I mentioned, your comment caused the neuron to fire that generated the email. No idea if it worked. I am still the featured fucktard on the ‘humor’ topic…
October 26, 2011 at 09:45
LOL. I’m sorry, but is that really the e-mail they send. OMG. A sales pitch! I thought it would be magical with confetti and glitter.
You are, however, a member of a very elite group. The glad . . . sad . . . mad, peeps that were Freshly Pressed to death.
Like your blog . . . pressed or not.
October 26, 2011 at 10:03
Thanks, and yes that is the actual note they sent. And no glitter – at least they were bright enough not to send me any glitter.
October 26, 2011 at 11:30
You think other people deserve their fair share…(thats why people like you so much!) Despite your ‘ranting’ – you seem like a heck of a nice guy. You are just down right funny and people connect with that. I laugh out loud – every.single.time.I.read. The ‘some guy dead in the basement’ comment – still making me grin as I type this. Shocked and Appalled someone would call you a dirty word…probably just jealous! (damn bastards) I hope you get some cash, your wife a t-shirt and of course a beer mug – that was to die for funny, too. Long Live the FP Humor KIng! (just had to throw that in there)…
October 26, 2011 at 13:10
I’m sure glad you enjoy. I like your site as well, and your comments.
October 26, 2011 at 11:32
I agree with whitelady…obviously your critics have dick envy.
October 26, 2011 at 13:11
Everywhere I go: dick envy. Not that I want to get rid of it or anything.
October 26, 2011 at 12:23
Haha, that’s awesome! And congratulations by the way!
October 26, 2011 at 13:13
Thanks, brother. You’ve ripped out a few great ones recently too, you know.
October 26, 2011 at 12:33
To the hell with a keychain! You should get a new car! In all seriousness though, I will have to agree with this post. It’s kind of frustrating going to the Freshly Pressed page and seeing the same ones featured day after day after day…they need something “Fresh” more often.
October 26, 2011 at 13:14
Yeah, that ‘fresh’ word and all the deep, hidden implications therein.
October 26, 2011 at 13:15
You’re kind of more of a boob to me. Kidding, but I have been curious to see when you’d be demoted and I see it happened.
October 26, 2011 at 13:22
Well, not quite. If you go to the tag cloud, under ‘humor,’ I’m STILL the featured meat puppet. Though I see there’s a new one next to me, so finally things may drop back down to a dull roar.
October 26, 2011 at 13:23
And why your blog hasn’t been tagged under the ‘food’ category is completely beyond me.
October 26, 2011 at 15:34
Hahaha! I needed to read something like this after another shitty day I had. Thanks! Some assholes don’t understand that when you f*cking put RANT as a tag that there will be some whining. Some people can’t even comment coherently. The haters can just all get together and jump of a cliff into a body of water with human eating blue whales. Peace.
October 26, 2011 at 16:16
Or sharks… or SCUBA Bears…
October 26, 2011 at 16:03
I think one word posts are necessary now with amount of traffic you’re getting. So here’s mine:
LOL!
October 26, 2011 at 16:03
… wait… that’s not one word. 😐
October 26, 2011 at 16:17
You’re good, don’t worry. Traffic’s backing down finally.
October 26, 2011 at 16:36
Well sad because it deserves the traffic but glad because you ca n take a breather.
Cheers
October 26, 2011 at 19:26
So, you’re supposed to avoid the phrase “Auto-Topic” to drop off the tag cloud?
Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic Auto-Topic
😉 😀
Have a good one!
October 26, 2011 at 20:22
I agree with H.E. Pissa.
October 26, 2011 at 20:44
You DO realise that, for a man of my age, that is actually a compliment? 😀
October 26, 2011 at 19:26
FABULOUS — you deserved it!
From: one of your fans in your fanclub (I bet you didn’t know you had a fanclub, did you)! 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 20:21
Eleanor, I’ve started to suspect it, and I’m glad to count you as a member.
October 26, 2011 at 20:21
How could anyone think you’re a dick!? Lots of jealous types out there?!
October 26, 2011 at 20:26
That term may have been spoken in the Rants House. Not sure.
October 26, 2011 at 20:38
Lol, great letter 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 20:41
It may have worked too. Hopefully they’ll pick one of yours soon.
October 26, 2011 at 21:17
I could only wish, but I’m pretty sure my posts aren’t as appealing enough and certainly not as funny or witty as yours. You certainly deserved it!
October 26, 2011 at 23:05
Well thank you. Rather than go back and forth with how awesome we each are, I’ll just say practice makes perfect, so keep at it.
October 26, 2011 at 20:45
The record’s stuck . . . the record’s stuck . . . the record’s stuck . . .
Someday, we’ll get to say “CONGRATS for NO LONGER being FP!”
October 26, 2011 at 20:50
Good God, Nancy, once again you rock for cutting to the quick of the issue. You are so correct.
October 27, 2011 at 08:27
I’ve wondered about that, too – how they determine when to swap those out. Some are up for a day, some for a week. I’d ask, but I’m afraid I’d get an answer (and I suspect I wouldn’t like it).
I haven’t had a chance to congratulate you, though. I was going to as soon as the fervor died down, but apparently that’s never going to happen!
October 27, 2011 at 17:56
I suspect my shit has been pulled… finally. But I accept your congratulations, Sir.
October 27, 2011 at 11:23
lol.. love it! Well, maybe it will be regular again. We can see William Shattner can help them out with that….. And as a son of a sailor, let me say, that it seems that someone finally picked up their socks, and let go of their…….
Cheers still mate,
October 27, 2011 at 18:03
Thought that was a Marine Boot Camp saying… oh well. And if you know The Shat, he could fix it in negative amounts of time.