Hitting The Road: Another Update
I really wish I were wealthy, so that I could pay someone to follow me and slap me across the face violently to bring me back to my senses when necessary. Then again, if I could do that I suppose I could just fly my happy Rant-Tastic ass to Las Vegas and I’d already be nipples deep in casino chips and beer. Fuck me silly, right?
So the previous update had me blogging away while travelling (totally awesome) on the I-70 going through Vail. This update has me somewere deep in the ass of Utah, not sure where. There is a tree or plant in the name and we’re on I-15. To summarize this epic first leg, we left Kansas at 1050 hours (that is 10:50 AM to you civilians) CDT. According to the RantTop Computer we rolled up on our target hotel at 0630 local, which I think would mean 0730 in dog years or whatever I started in. I will have to let you all do the math, because that part of my brain shut down a very long time ago, back in Colorado.
The good news is we stay put until tomorrow morning-ish, and on the way there is an In-n-Out in St. George (UT), which will provide Yours Truly with his first gut buster, and possibly his second.
The bad news is that Di gets just as irritated when I blog while riding shotgun as she does when I’m stationary at the table in Kansas. More research is needed here, I think.
Some notes before I shower and then join Mrs. Rants in a coma of historic soundness and depth (I’m a hyper type when sleep deprived, so this is helping me wind down. That and the beer, because it’s not just for lunch anymore, bitches):
There were no further Road Douchebags after Mr.-Lifted-And-Blinding-Monster-Truck-Douche-of-Denver. That was mercifully nice, since I also act erratic when tired. Very erratic.
The Amityville Horror Rental Car with Cheese still reeks of something limburger-esque, but there have been no satanic messages spelled out in buzzing flies since we left Hays, Kansas. I chalk this up to a win.
Western Kansas might be the flattest drive in the US, but going through west Colorado and east Utah at 0200 is probably a lot like driving the astrobuggy around the backside of the moon. Being the only driver on the road is nice and creepy all at once.
Funny Road Conversation Snippet:
- DI: [Driving at night] Okay, another tank of gas, back on the road. Wait. Are the headlights on?
- ME: What?
- DI: Are the headlights on?
- ME: [actually checks] Yeah, Babe. You can tell by that bright area just in front of the car. [makes hand gestures indicating ‘area’]
Ok. Stick a fork in me, because I’m done. More later…
BrainRants 
October 23, 2011 at 10:14
1) The stars at night are big and bright
Deep in the ass of Utah
2) You’re married. Thus, you can get someone to slap you across the face violently to bring you back to your senses when necessary 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
October 23, 2011 at 10:20
Believe it or not, easier said than done. She has to be pissed at me first, which involves effort on my part.
October 23, 2011 at 10:17
My mom is always irritated with father dearest no matter what he does. I think it’s especially if he’s doing nothing at all. No douche bags and the weather isn’t bad – not that bad of a road trip. One time when I was driving to Florida with my family a thunderstorm from hell rolled in. The rain was so bad we just had to park the car because you couldn’t see the reflectors. Lmao. If every word above that didn’t spell “I’m f*cking tired” that phone snippet did.
October 23, 2011 at 10:21
I am. And I’m headed to shower.
October 23, 2011 at 10:19
You hit the road. Some guy hits you.
Where will the violence end?
October 23, 2011 at 11:17
It doesn’t. Good thing I’m an Army Dude.
October 23, 2011 at 10:22
Road trips make me punchy too!
October 23, 2011 at 11:16
We’re punchy!
October 23, 2011 at 11:17
ROFL
October 23, 2011 at 11:23
Careful! You don’t know where that floor was last!
October 23, 2011 at 12:55
standstill so i can say hello keep well rants xxjen
October 23, 2011 at 15:13
Thank you for the gothiness.
October 23, 2011 at 14:24
I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually took the time to find out if there were any In-N-Out Burgers around NH, and sadly there’s not. I’ve never been there and wanted to see what the fuss was about.
October 23, 2011 at 15:14
You’re only missing out on the best hamburger in the world, lady. Or dude… whatever…. you.
October 23, 2011 at 17:45
Harold!!
October 23, 2011 at 17:58
Shhhh!!!!! That’s OUR secret!!!!!
October 23, 2011 at 18:21
Oh now we have inside jokes on MY blog. Awesome.
October 23, 2011 at 18:35
You’re welcome. Now your blog is ESOTERIC. Look it up, Smarty Pants.
It’s just as well. Probably time I fill you in anyway.
October 23, 2011 at 19:20
Fill me in? Sounds kinky.
October 23, 2011 at 19:23
It kinda is, which is precisely why I’m trying to change it.
October 23, 2011 at 14:27
Dude, I’d a rode along and slapped you silly for a small piece of floor space for a rack and a couple In-N-Out burgers. Seriously, next time you need in-car entertainment, let me know.
Try to find a Wal-mart or similar. Buy some cheap clip-type clothespins and some dryer sheets – the smellier, the better. Clip them to the car’s vents. If it’s really bad, slip a couple up against the face of the radiator. Maybe there’s something dead in the engine bay. That should help.
Or make like a dog and drive with your head out the window. Just keep your mouth closed! 😀
October 23, 2011 at 15:15
I’ve already checked. Might be a condenser problem, since there’s a playful hint of mold and the zing of mildew.
October 23, 2011 at 19:31
Anytime you want someone to slap you silly, you just let me know. I am totally there for you dude.
October 23, 2011 at 19:58
YES!!!! SAVOR’S HERE!!!! NOW THE PARTY CAN BEGIN!!!!
October 23, 2011 at 20:22
You two are a matched Hottie Set.
October 23, 2011 at 22:52
a matched hottie set? too bad whenever we get together to fool around we don’t invite you.
October 23, 2011 at 23:01
Hey, I just know an experienced set of women when I talk to them, you know? *nudge nudge*
October 23, 2011 at 23:06
who me? no, I’m a virgin.
October 23, 2011 at 23:24
What, in your left ear?
October 24, 2011 at 10:43
A great many things have passed through both my ears, many of them kinky. I would say my ears are the least virginal part of me.
October 24, 2011 at 11:18
No comment.
October 24, 2011 at 11:51
you say that as if you’re the one guilty of putting kinky things through my ears.
October 24, 2011 at 18:52
I don’t remember a lot from last night. A couple of key things, but you never know.
October 23, 2011 at 20:18
I love you, man. Er, girl… er, you.
October 23, 2011 at 22:52
*sniff..sniff* I love you too man. er, girl…er, you.
October 23, 2011 at 22:59
*sniff*
October 23, 2011 at 23:07
*wipes nose on his/her shirt sleeve*
October 23, 2011 at 23:24
I would treasure that deposit for the rest of my mortal existence…
October 23, 2011 at 22:03
i can’t find an email addy 4 u. so i gotta do this a s acomment. I seem to have hit a wrong button and am now getting ALL your 4 million comments in my email. so i’m gonna temporarily unsub and see if that remedies the situation. geez u get a lotta comments man. continue…
October 23, 2011 at 22:56
the burden of popularity. it’s sad really…
October 23, 2011 at 22:58
Yes, but you are one of the ‘originals’ on BR site. You get automatic dance club access and bottle service.
October 23, 2011 at 23:11
really? I count as an original? *grabs bottle**dances, badly*
October 23, 2011 at 23:25
Savor, you are an Original. Truly.
October 23, 2011 at 22:56
This is awesome on one hand that you are experiencing the pain of FP with me.
October 23, 2011 at 22:42
Always wanted to go on a big roadtrip! However, my only reference to American road trips on big flat roads are from tacky slasher films where the foreign screaming girl dies first… I don’t want to die first…
Enjoy your travels!
October 23, 2011 at 23:00
Don’t wear the red Star Trek uniform shirt…
October 24, 2011 at 15:54
Why? Everyone knows when you go down to the planet with Spock, Kirk, Scotty, and Mr. Bill, Kirk’s gonna die first…RIGHT? ;D
October 24, 2011 at 03:10
I got the 1050 on my own, but what’s CDT?
October 24, 2011 at 08:54
Central Daylight Time.
October 24, 2011 at 05:03
Hi, i stumble upon ur blog today and it fascinated me alot… keep up the good work.. maybe u like mine too
hassaan
October 24, 2011 at 08:55
I’ll check it out. Thanks!
October 24, 2011 at 05:26
A road trip across the US would be fantastic. As a Brit the concept of driving for hours on one long, straight road without seeing another car is bonkers.
October 24, 2011 at 08:56
You’re welcome to it. I suspect the charm would wear off after the first trip.
October 24, 2011 at 07:03
I would follow you around and slap you for free, Dude. I think that I would be very good at it….
October 24, 2011 at 08:57
Hmmm…
October 24, 2011 at 10:27
Don’t worry. The force with which I would slap you would make the Girls dance, so you’d get something out of it too….
October 24, 2011 at 11:18
*laughs* I needed a head-clearing slap, not a beating.
October 24, 2011 at 11:56
I think you would probably enjoy a beating from me better…
October 24, 2011 at 18:52
*Spock eyebrow*
October 25, 2011 at 09:50
😉
October 24, 2011 at 09:34
I thought you WERE wealthy…aren’t all officers? Haha, I kid I kid.
October 24, 2011 at 09:44
I think the better approach would be to say we’re less poor than our Enlisted.
October 24, 2011 at 14:04
“I really wish I were wealthy, so that I could pay someone to follow me and slap me across the face violently to bring me back to my senses when necessary.”
But you already have a wife, don’t you?
October 24, 2011 at 18:59
I do, but I mentioned to someone earlier that this would require a lot of effort from me to get slapped.
October 24, 2011 at 16:09
i’m back BR. continue…
October 24, 2011 at 19:03
Welcome back Curmudgeon, and you are always welcome here.