Hitting The Road: Another Update

I really wish I were wealthy, so that I could pay someone to follow me and slap me across the face violently to bring me back to my senses when necessary. Then again, if I could do that I suppose I could just fly my happy Rant-Tastic ass to Las Vegas and I’d already be nipples deep in casino chips and beer. Fuck me silly, right?

So the previous update had me blogging away while travelling (totally awesome) on the I-70 going through Vail. This update has me somewere deep in the ass of Utah, not sure where. There is a tree or plant in the name and we’re on I-15. To summarize this epic first leg, we left Kansas at 1050 hours (that is 10:50 AM to you civilians) CDT. According to the RantTop Computer we rolled up on our target hotel at 0630 local, which I think would mean 0730 in dog years or whatever I started in. I will have to let you all do the math, because that part of my brain shut down a very long time ago, back in Colorado.

The good news is we stay put until tomorrow morning-ish, and on the way there is an In-n-Out in St. George (UT), which will provide Yours Truly with his first gut buster, and possibly his second.

The bad news is that Di gets just as irritated when I blog while riding shotgun as she does when I’m stationary at the table in Kansas. More research is needed here, I think.

Some notes before I shower and then join Mrs. Rants in a coma of historic soundness and depth (I’m a hyper type when sleep deprived, so this is helping me wind down. That and the beer, because it’s not just for lunch anymore, bitches):

There were no further Road Douchebags after Mr.-Lifted-And-Blinding-Monster-Truck-Douche-of-Denver. That was mercifully nice, since I also act erratic when tired. Very erratic.

The Amityville Horror Rental Car with Cheese still reeks of something limburger-esque, but there have been no satanic messages spelled out in buzzing flies since we left Hays, Kansas. I chalk this up to a win.

Western Kansas might be the flattest drive in the US, but going through west Colorado and east Utah at 0200 is probably a lot like driving the astrobuggy around the backside of the moon. Being the only driver on the road is nice and creepy all at once.

Funny Road Conversation Snippet:

    • DI: [Driving at night] Okay, another tank of gas, back on the road. Wait. Are the headlights on?
    • ME: What?
    • DI: Are the headlights on?
    • ME: [actually checks] Yeah, Babe. You can tell by that bright area just in front of the car. [makes hand gestures indicating ‘area’]

Ok. Stick a fork in me, because I’m done. More later…

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66 Responses to “Hitting The Road: Another Update”

  1. 1) The stars at night are big and bright
    Deep in the ass of Utah

    2) You’re married. Thus, you can get someone to slap you across the face violently to bring you back to your senses when necessary 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

  2. Becoming Bitter Says:

    My mom is always irritated with father dearest no matter what he does. I think it’s especially if he’s doing nothing at all. No douche bags and the weather isn’t bad – not that bad of a road trip. One time when I was driving to Florida with my family a thunderstorm from hell rolled in. The rain was so bad we just had to park the car because you couldn’t see the reflectors. Lmao. If every word above that didn’t spell “I’m f*cking tired” that phone snippet did.

  3. You hit the road. Some guy hits you.
    Where will the violence end?

  4. Road trips make me punchy too!

  5. jennygoth Says:

    standstill so i can say hello keep well rants xxjen

  6. I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually took the time to find out if there were any In-N-Out Burgers around NH, and sadly there’s not. I’ve never been there and wanted to see what the fuss was about.

  7. John Erickson Says:

    Dude, I’d a rode along and slapped you silly for a small piece of floor space for a rack and a couple In-N-Out burgers. Seriously, next time you need in-car entertainment, let me know.
    Try to find a Wal-mart or similar. Buy some cheap clip-type clothespins and some dryer sheets – the smellier, the better. Clip them to the car’s vents. If it’s really bad, slip a couple up against the face of the radiator. Maybe there’s something dead in the engine bay. That should help.
    Or make like a dog and drive with your head out the window. Just keep your mouth closed! 😀

  8. Savor the folly Says:

    Anytime you want someone to slap you silly, you just let me know. I am totally there for you dude.

  9. i can’t find an email addy 4 u. so i gotta do this a s acomment. I seem to have hit a wrong button and am now getting ALL your 4 million comments in my email. so i’m gonna temporarily unsub and see if that remedies the situation. geez u get a lotta comments man. continue…

  10. Always wanted to go on a big roadtrip! However, my only reference to American road trips on big flat roads are from tacky slasher films where the foreign screaming girl dies first… I don’t want to die first…

    Enjoy your travels!

  11. I got the 1050 on my own, but what’s CDT?

  12. Hi, i stumble upon ur blog today and it fascinated me alot… keep up the good work.. maybe u like mine too
    hassaan

  13. A road trip across the US would be fantastic. As a Brit the concept of driving for hours on one long, straight road without seeing another car is bonkers.

  14. I would follow you around and slap you for free, Dude. I think that I would be very good at it….

  15. I thought you WERE wealthy…aren’t all officers? Haha, I kid I kid.

  16. “I really wish I were wealthy, so that I could pay someone to follow me and slap me across the face violently to bring me back to my senses when necessary.”
    But you already have a wife, don’t you?

  17. i’m back BR. continue…

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