Hitting The Road

So what does the Rants Army need to know today? I have no idea, but today’s post will be more of a PSA to you all than an actual post, so excuse the rambling nature of this. I figured I’d warn you all that there may be intermittent service due to lack of connectivity but not lack of desire to maintain touch with the blogosphere.

As always, this kind of shit only happens in my universe. “This kind of shit” would be me returning from Texas after a five-day expedition to do what I do best – sit and talk – only to come home, do some manic laundry, repack my bag and climb in a car for a looooooong drive with Di. Now, many of you out there are probably thinking, “Oh, how joyous and romantic [insert image of sunny field with unicorns, butterflies, and bunnies with glitter].” Mainly I am thinking: “*sigh* [insert sound of pump-action shotgun racking].”

There will definitely be romance, at some point I am sure I will at least believe I saw a unicorn, but there will definitely not be any glitter because I hate that sparkly shit with the deepest, blackest parts of my soul. Those of you without teen daughters will not understand, and that’s okay, you lucky fucksticks. I mean that in the most affectionate-but-platonic way.

The purpose of this self-inflicted blunt trauma to the face? We were asked to come see some older relatives of Di’s who now live in the Las Vegas area for the purpose of them giving us some things. At least that is how Auntie V put it on the phone. These things would be of a ‘can’t-put-it-in-a-suitcase’ nature that we can only speculate about right now. Honestly Di and I were more concerned about their motivation to give shit away than we are with the value of the gift. It does not bode well, news-wise. Still and all, one does not refuse a request of this nature, particularly one made by an elderly Auntie from the old country. Plus, I had leave time built up that my command was nagging me about. Relentlessly.

So as-of this writing, it is in the vicinity of 0610 hours. After posting and knocking out even more ‘Burrito Rage’ replies (Dear WordPress: stop it. I’m bleeding) I’ll creak down to the basement to collect up my laundry and attempt some kind of logical suitcase stuffing. At some point Di will be up to supervise me, and we will lock and leave after dropping off Di’s Caddy for a brake job and picking up the rental car that for their own sakes I sincerely hope they get right. Di can be particular.

By this time tomorrow, I expect we will be getting up to resume travel somewhere in Utah. This will be positive because the Most Boring Stretch of Highway in the US will be well behind us, as well as the climb over the Rockies. We have done this before, and there is just nothing to say about I-70 in Kansas that is redeeming. Kansas is probably why people once believed the Earth was flat. The real suck is getting there and knowing you have to do it in reverse, I think. The upside to this, other than the obvious stuff both explicit and implicit, is that there are at least three In-N-Out locations in Vegas, and I plan on ramming at least one per day down my gullet. Fred (the pants-less frog) will also accompany us on our journey.

Wish us luck. Paraphrasing what they said in ancient Greece, I plan on coming back with my shield (not on it).


95 Responses to “Hitting The Road”

  1. Becoming Bitter Says:

    Haaahaaa! Oh my… I share your sentiments. I HATE sparkly vampires. No, ALL vampires. Why the f*&% would you be with a guy who sees you as his next meal. It’s like a rat falling in love with a snake. I feel your pain. One of my sisters is a teen as well. I agree with everything else too. Okay my eyes are bleeding. I need to go to sleep. By the way thanks again for stopping by and liking my posts. Side note: Mobile web is surprisingly easy to use and comment with. Keep feeding me humor. God knows I need it.

  2. I hope Fred and Di have fun.

    Oh yeah, you too.

  3. Definitely WITH . . . not ON! Safe travels. 😀

  4. Suggestion: You should move off the text of Burrito into another post, and keep replacing the Burrito post with your latest blog post. Then you can say you’ve had 10-15 blog posts in a row Freshly Pressed. That’s what I would do.

    And drink plenty of coffee through Utah. I’ve seen video of it. One of those cases where the shooter thinks it’s interesting, but the viewer is like “really? 25 minutes of mountain highway?”

  5. Whenever I have to make a long boring drive I get CD’s of comedy stand-up routines. Time flies and everyone gets a laugh out of the trip. Plus it’s a way to expose your kids to some of the older comics. My fourteen year-old Junior tells everyone that Don Rickles is his favorite comedian.

  6. Lucky fsticks. Man, I always learn something here, like I said. Enjoy the rest of your trip.

  7. You meant to say you hate all that sparkle shit except for me, I think.

  8. I like roadtrips. Until I get too tired driving and hallucinate joggers passing me.
    At least you’re going someplace warm.

    Fun fact – some geologists did a study, and Kansas is in fact flatter than a pancake.

  9. I feel for your pain when you open up your email and WordPress when you get back. I’ll be able to hear the groan from here…

  10. Say hi to Harold and Kumar (or their equivalents) for me, all right?

  11. I guess it’s because Army guys have GPS now, and don’t have to KNOW where they’re going, but you rant a strange idea of directions. A while ago I read about you driving UP to Atlanta. I pictured Florida, or perhaps Louisiana or Mississippi, and then found that you den in Kansas. Earlier this week you wrote of the nutjob with the tigers, DOWN in Zanesville, Ohio. I hope Di is a better navigator than my better two/thirds, or you’ll end up driving to Malawi. Have you listened to Jeff Foxworthy telling how much help the light of his life is with driving and reading a map? Safe trip!

  12. Kansas – “Why people once believed the earth was flat”, should be on their license plate. funny. continue…

  13. John Erickson Says:

    Fair winds and following … er … roads, my friend. Have a good trip, and try to keep Fred from drinking TOO much.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Fred is your destroyer? So, since you’re second highest rank, you’re the cruiser, making Di the battlewagon? Bad move, space cadet! Better re-designate her the battlecruiser, slender, fast, and hard-hitting.
        I’m content being the tugboat. I don’t go fast, but I’m solid and get stuff done. Eventually.
        (And these are the comments you get when you interrupt my browsing of WW2 Naval proposed designs. Man cannot live with grunts alone. 😉 )

          • John Erickson Says:

            You called Fred your DD. For some of us, that means Destroyer. We’re not ALL ex-gropos out here! 😉

          • Now I HAVE to know what a “Gropo” is.

          • John Erickson Says:

            GROPO – GROund POunder. See also Grunt.

          • Ahhh….My father was in the Navy so I never heard that word before. In the notebook it goes.

          • Better to be a tanker.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Yeah, and it’s such a nicer one than “spam in a can”, or some other more …. salty …. terms I’ve heard. 😉
            (Sorry, pal, some of us had to walk for a living. Okay, technically, a hobby. 😀 Nothing sadder than a panzergrenadier on foot! )

          • Panzergrenadier? Really?

            You’re killing me, J.E.

          • H, I can explain later if you give a fuck.

          • Too late, Rants. I couldn’t wait so I looked it up.

            So John, WWII huh? I see I picked the right man to help me rebuild my ’38 Chrysler. You must have seen it come off the line. 🙂

          • John Erickson Says:

            Good Lord, HE, I’m not THAT old! I was definitely born AFTER dirt was invented. And any rumours that I was a product tester on dirt are highly exaggerated. Well, mostly exaggerated. Will you buy “slightly”? 😉

          • John, I have solid hieroglyphic evidence that you in fact INVENTED dirt.

          • He did. And the Model T’s.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Oh, you don’t need to know that one, HE. I spent a few years doing World War 2 re-enacting, a couple as a German panzergrenadier, or “armoured infantry” as the U.S. would call them.
            I was also a Coldstream Guardsman and a Polish paratrooper, as well as a U.S. Signal Corps linesman. The U.S. gig was when I started getting my headaches; that way, the war could come to me! 😉

          • Did you get to jump out of a plane for real? Because that’s a bucket list item for me.

          • John Erickson Says:

            (Sigh.) You need to pay ATTENTION, HE. I told you I was a POLISH paratrooper. We jumped out of subs, via the screen door.
            (Don’t laugh, it kept the flies out.) 😀

          • That is without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Did you ever live in CT? The only time I’ve ever heard Polish jokes was when I lived there.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Nope. I lived in the second largest-population Polish city in the world – Chicago. There’s a whole area on the Northwest side where they even mark the shops and streets in Polish, and print a Polish newspaper. I used to know a ton of ’em, but the memory has been busted up pretty badly by the variety of headache meds I’ve had to take.

          • That’s cool about Chicago, not so much about the headache meds. My friend takes them too, and she says that sometimes they’re worse than the headaches themselves.

          • John Erickson Says:

            My fun is that my headaches aren’t technically migraines, so the sumitriptan and others in that family don’t work. I’m taking Vicodin, also known as hydrocodone, oxycodone’s little brother (aka Oxycontin). In 2002, I was on 70-80 mg a day (a friend took 10-15 a day for a shattered ankle). Now I’m averaging about 35mg a day. Fun being stoned 24 hours a day – NOT!
            But such is the wonder that is me! 😀

          • Here’s what I think the issue is:

            Your brain is like a sponge, and you have soaked up entirely too much information. You need to relieve the pressure somehow.

          • John Erickson Says:

            That’s why I’m trying to edumucate Mr. Rants here. And whoever else might be taking notes.
            “The FBI – the best law enforcement organisation in the world. All praise the FBI!”
            This concludes our commercial interruption. We now return you to your regular insanity, already in progress.

          • Like a zit being squeezed, right?

          • It IS the funniest thing you read today. Those are official orders. Drop and give me 100. Because I’m pretty sure you can. Move.

          • Sadly, no. I’m only up to ten, and God are they ugly. But at least they’re not the “girly” on the knees kind.

          • *laughs his military ass off on this one, which is classic*

          • I did, five times that’s all. But I loved every one, even though it was a static line. Get with me on this.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Ya got your lightbulb? Cool! Ever do it in a vehicle? I understand a LAPES of an M-1 Abrams is positively “sporty”. (Not as much fun as a high-level drop of a Sheridan, but exciting nonetheless.) Or a daisy chain? The fella, who was our Sergeant Major in the Brit re-enacting unit, did a couple daisy chains when he was in ‘Nam, one from a Herk, one from an old C-47. He claimed the Dakota one was worse, even though it was slower, ’cause the plane vibrat4ed so much, you didn’t know you were moving until the ramp fell away from your butt!

          • Uh…John, I don’t know what “daisy chain” means in military jargon, but in my neighborhood it means something entirely different than how you are using it here. Because you are a gentleman, I suggest you do NOT look it up.

          • John Erickson Says:

            I thank you, HE, but though I am MANY things, a gentleman ain’t among ’em. 😉 And I know the colloquial usage of “daisy chain” – in the military, it’s where a string of guys sit literally crotch-to-butt on an airplane, facing forward, linked by a rope. The plane flies low over a landing spot, and the cargo chief kicks a parachute out the back of the plane. The chute opens and yanks all the guys out in a line. If you’ve ever seen the movie “XXX” with Vin Diesel, that’s what they do to the three “candidates” over the poppy field in Mexico (or wherever it was). It’s brutal, but it keeps the squad together, rather than scattering them all over hell and gone like a normal para drop.
            Now, were you a good girl and did you look up LAPES (Low Altitude Parachute ExtractionS)? 😀

          • Yes I did, and I don’t think I want to jump out of a plane anymore.

          • John Erickson Says:

            I would really like to do a LAPES, preferably in something light like a Humvee. Not sure I want to trust a tank’s suspension (or lack thereof) to absorb the drop. Then again, I’m terrified of heights at low level, but fine around 5-6,000 feet. It’s just the thought of that first step that raises my voice (and a couple other things) by a few octaves…..
            (And no, no tandem jumps, thank you. The only thing worse than hearing “Jump out that door” is the “expert” you’re strapped to suddenly yelling “Oh Shit!”.)

          • No tank’s suspension is made for LAPES, and to be honest, a Jeep works good but a HMMWV does not.

          • It also means stringing many claymore mines (google that) together electrically to detonate at once when the clacker (detonator device) is employed. Fucking devastating. Turns humans into red clouds. Awesome.

          • John Erickson Says:

            Daisy chaining mines goes back at least to WW2. The Germans would string Tellermines together, pull ’em across a road with a rope, then pull ’em back quick to allow their stuff to retreat, then yank ’em back across. I think we did that in Europe, too – not so much in the Pacific, what with the lack of roads.
            Another fun use was to have the strung mines across the road from you. Yank ’em across just as the lead tank comes up, then shoot your Panzerfaust at the rear tank. You were usually dead right after that, but that screwed up a LOT of tank AND truck convoys. The partisans in Russia would do that to the Germans, shooting the back tank with a hidden AT gun or AT rifle, or lobbing a half-dozen molotov cocktails.
            Then there’s the classic footage of a German soldier running up to a T-34 and shoving a Tellermine under the turret overhang. Science fiction, pure and simple! 😀
            (Oh, it worked, if you were stupid enough, and the training film used an unmanned, immobilised T-34. No vet I’ve ever talked to ever saw it happen, though.)

          • I can appreciate the strategic significance of stringing mines together, but the reality of it freaks me out. I’ve lived my life in singular self-preservation, so the idea that a person can march into combat for a greater good blows my mind. I respect the hell out of anyone who can do it, though.

          • You do this to slaughter – wholesale – assholes who wish to do the same to you. As long as non-Americans die in these technical experiments, then I am completely happy. Oh, allies included, notably our Brit friends.

          • That’s friggin’ frightening. Google needs to add pics of cuddly kittens along with stuff like that to cut down on emotional trauma.

          • Look up the quote by Orwell about rough men, dear. This is what we do, because you all out there are worth it. Fuck it I’ll find and post.

          • You don’t LAPES an Abrams.

          • John Erickson Says:

            I thought they have – at least in testing. I know I’ve seen footage of M-60s being shoved out the back of a C-17….

          • Cannot LAPES an M60 either.

          • John Erickson Says:

            I’ll defer to your greater expertise, at least until I can find graphic proof (film) thereof. I could swear I’ve seen M-60s go out on a pallet, the pallet (not the usual grocery store ones, HE) takes most of the impact. And with the plane’s ramp basically dragging, so REAL low altitude. I’ll see what I can find.
            Until then, or tomorrow, I’m gonna have to sign off for the night. Gotta put the house to bed, then likewise for yours truly and the wife. Have a good evening, Rants and all the rest of y’all, and I’ll catch y’all on the flip!

          • John Stuart Mill: “War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth a war, is much worse. When a people are used as mere human instruments for firing cannon or thrusting bayonets, in the service and for the selfish purposes of a master, such war degrades a people. A war to protect other human beings against tyrannical injustice; a war to give victory to their own ideas of right and good, and which is their own war, carried on for an honest purpose by their free choice, — is often the means of their regeneration. A man who has nothing which he is willing to fight for, nothing which he cares more about than he does about his personal safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.”

          • And just so you know Rants, “Spam in a can” is TOTALLY going in my notebook.

          • It already is, isn’t it?

          • Oh, it is NOW. Right next to “Fidget.”

          • But ‘fidget’ is cute.

          • And “Spam in a can” is….uh….yeah, I got nothing.

          • HE, try ‘crash test dummy’

          • Left, left, left right left.

          • John Erickson Says:

            I tried to spend as much time as possible pedaling my backside around.
            (ON A BICYCLE, YA PERVERTS!)

          • That’s it. YA PERVERTS! Is totally going on a tee shirt.

          • What? A picture of my junk? If so, how did you get it?

  14. I can’t wait to hear what “things” you get! And you should totally go with Hotspur’s idea of replacing your Burrito blog. Hey, how about this – put a bunch of links to other people’s blogs? Share the love, dude! 😉

  15. I’m late here, but I hope your drive into Utah was uneventful. May the rest of the journey be uneventful as well.

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