Doctor Management

I’m pretty sure all doctors pre-screen patients with each visit. You know, the height, weight, blood-pressure routine. Army medicine follows this with some cool added features. I’ve ranted here about the fact that in the past year or more I’ve only been in to see a doctor for annual check-ups, which is true. Although dedicated readers know well of my big, hot mug of hateorade I sip from regarding Di’s issues and the fuckery required to get her fixed.

Because I have to essentially go with her to make sure she gets taken seriously (picture: 220 pounds of hostile, bald, lieutenant colonel staring a hole through your soul) I know well of the pre-screening process. Thus prepared, I was armed and ready for my annual. The hilarity ensued:

Physician Assistant (PA): “Good morning, colonel, how are you feeling?”

ME: “I feel delicious, thanks. You?”

PA: “Uh, great. Do you have any pain?”

ME: “I’m 42, what do you think? Or were you asking because you want me to get you some? ‘Cause I know this guy…”

PA: “Ha, good one. No, I have to ask these questions.”

ME: “Well, honestly, every joint I own from the ass down hurts. Except my shoulders. Which hurt too. But they’re well above my ass. Usually.”

PA: [Scribbles] “I see. How would you describe that pain?”

ME: “Painful.”

PA: [More scribbling] “What causes them to hurt?”

ME: “Walking, running, kneeling, squatting, breathing, stairs, carrying shit, sitting, and answering questions.”

PA: [Scrawl][Unlimbers the pressure cuff] “Let’s get your blood pressure.” [spears thermometer under my tongue] “Any family history of high blood pressure.”

ME: “Tthhmmbbmmnth.”

== machine hums, cuff does it’s thing, machine beeps ==

PA: [Recording readings] “Hmm. A bit high. Again, I have to ask these screening questions…”

ME: “Ok, I know the drill. Here’s your next few questions: I smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, am a nicotine addict and am completely uninterested in a cessation program.”

PA: [Writing madly] “I… see… uhm, have you felt depressed lately?”

ME: “Only when I run out of beer.”

PA: “Have you had thoughts of suicide?”

ME: “And miss all the fun?”

PA: “Sir, is that a ‘no’?”

ME: “Definitely.”

PA: “Any feelings of hostility or anger?”

ME: “No, but I can see it from here.”

PA: “Ok, I’ll warn..ah, let the doctor know you’re ready.”

ME: “You were right the first time.”

I like to keep them honest.


60 Responses to “Doctor Management”

  1. I’m writing down your answers and giving them to Hubby for his next annual…can’t wait to see the look on the doctor’s face with those gems.

  2. Ahaha this made he laugh so much, I loved that you said “I smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, am a nicotine addict and am completely uninterested in a cessation program” ahaha

  3. I’m glad someone else feels delicious as well. Cracking post Colonel

  4. Sorry, I have to ask- is a boner considered a joint?

  5. savorthefolly Says:

    the important take home message here is to pre-screen your docs. if they can’t tolerate your attitude then clearly they have mediocre medical skills.

  6. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning. Loved the answer to the suicide question!

  7. I’m scratching med school off my list. I’m such a health nut that patients like you would drive me crazy.

  8. Another funny post, this was hilarious. What are you like in the waiting room?

  9. Thanks for demonstrating that an element of insanity is key to survival and applicable to any situation.

  10. No, but I can see it from here. Man they must think you’re a pill or just be trying not to laugh.

  11. arindam_maitra Says:

    LOL!! Hilarious replies… bumped into your blog.. and AM LOVING IT!! THank you, and keep ranting!

  12. This entire post is Awesome.

  13. yes thanks for giving us a peek into how life would be like if we had balls

  14. hahahahaaaaaaa great sounds like me…… πŸ™‚ well done soldier. luv it….. missing defence life man.

  15. My husband and I would always laugh at my prenatal appointments when they’d ask “have you thought about harming yourself or others?”
    I would always look at my husband when I said, honestly, “I do think of harming others on occasion”.
    I know its routine, but if you don’t joke your way through it can be so dull.

  16. I loved this post!

    Your honesty is no doubt refreshing . . . and scary . . . to medical professionals. πŸ˜‰

  17. From yesterday… Confused?? Another American confused by me?? My job here is done; I can move on! No, seriously, confusion is normally my least desired outcome! Clear as lead crystal, and almost as smart. I’m just a grumpy old dude, hangin’ off the wrong end of the clock. You can think of me like an Australian instead of Canadian, only with more couth, and better diction.

    Hey! What do Canadians call the stuff that you Americans call bacon? We call it bacon. What do Canadians call the stuff that you Americans call Canadian bacon? We call it back bacon, and, unless McDonalds stuffs it into an Egg McMuffin, we don’t actually eat much of the shit.

    Speaking of Canadian bacon… Oh, was I supposed to mention that this relates to a previous post? Ah well, Rants is smart, he should remember, even if the rest don’t.

    The quality of Canadian Viagra is as good or better than American Viagra. It is made in Canadian branch facilities, to Pfizer specs, by Pfizer trained and monitered personnel. There are a few reasons why the price of it, and most other drugs, is less. Up until a while ago, the value of the Canadian dollar was less than the American. You guys managed to shoot yourselves in the fiscal foot and lowered the value of your buck. The ricochet hit us, and now it’s not as profitable to export to the US. Canadians, on average, work for slightly less than Americans, which also translates to lower costs for raw production material.

    The biggest reason that Canadian Viagra is cheaper, is that, in a rare case of comprehension and leadership, the Canadian government saw what was happening in the American drug market, and passed a law. Basically it said to drug companies in Canada, “It’s OK to make a profit on drugs, you just can’t make obscene profits on drugs. The Canadian government provides medical services to citizens from taxes, and we don’t want to have to ransom these back from you.” Poor Americans, whatever the market will bear, and this is one case where guys will bear it all!! Ten dollars for a little blue insecurity pill? Better take one, just in case!

  18. The eloquence of this post and it’s subsequent commentary made me do a couple of spit takes with my chili (2 Alarm) all over my laptop. The pit bull is cleaning it up now.

    You rock.

  19. I Love your personality as it comes across in your writing. I’ve got to print this off and take it with me the next time I take dad on the 3 hr trip to the VA hospital for his check up! Thanks

  20. John Erickson Says:

    My dang Email just delivered this, so all I can add is “Perfect!”.

    • Several people have said they wanted to print and reference on their next visit. I figure you will fit into that category.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Maw, we got our doctor trained GOOD. Though I am hoping for another visit from that cute nurse-practitioner he had running around last time. Thank God I saw her AFTER the nurse took my BP, or I think I might have blown up the sphignomometer! πŸ˜€

  21. I hope they didn’t find anything when they probed Uranus.

  22. BTW, were you aware that you got a whole month of Freshly Pressed? Pretty sweet, huh?

  23. @ Rufus “trying not to laugh” ?

    The LTC can assure you that Army medical personnel are not issued a sense of humor. Any group that carries weapons, for that matter. You have to carry your own in with you and hope that none of the fingers on God’s left hand notice.

  24. LisaaLinh Says:

    This gives me some ideas for my next visit. Very funny!

  25. lmao… I think somehow u must be related to someone I know…Mr. Str8.. cos I swear I can pretty much see him in this! lol

  26. I take the Army ask you to describe your pain level from 1 to 10? That is something that drove me nuts when I was in the hospital.

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