Pressing Thoughts
As you know, I somehow managed to earn the honor of having one of my blog posts featured in Freshly Pressed (read that shit!). Believe me when I say that nobody was more surprised than I was. I’ve seen a few blogs that complain about how they’re selected, and the fact they chose me does nothing to shed light on the arcana of the process. I also think I now know what porn site administrators must feel like. Nothing to do with the content, mind you, just the management of traffic. No, really. I got Pressed last Thursday (13 OCT), and they saw fit to just leave my shit up there all weekend. They have to pick a new bitch victim blogger sometime today, right?
Before I go any further, I would like to put out there that I really do appreciate all the great feedback, notably from my established fan base out there – you know who you are! Though the FP selection process may be an obscure chicken-bones-on-the-stoop voodoo affair, I’m fairly certain that readership has something to do with it. So at this point, imagine me holding up a lit Bic lighter for you. Rock on.
Back to the ranting… without meaning to sound ungrateful, and certainly not dinging the several hundred people who left a comment, oh holy shit. As a mission-oriented person with OCD tendencies, I felt compelled to reply to each one. I mean why not, right? Someone took the time to click several times and punch keys, the least I can do is type in ‘thanks!’ to acknowledge, I think. Fair is fair. This has become quite a task, so to my friends sipping hot Envy Tea, keep the old proverb in mind: be careful what you wish for because you might get it.
Needless to say, after my initial shock wore off and all, I proudly opened up several browser windows and showed off the accomplishment to Di. I pointed at the huge spike of traffic, the jammed-up Outlook inbox, and finally the Freshly Pressed page with yours truly’s signature banner picture. It sounded like this:
-
ME: [Pointing] “And look, Babe, there’s our blog! Cool, huh?” {note the use of ‘our’}
- DI: “That’s great, Honey. Have you cleaned the catbox yet?”
Perhaps my greatest bitch about all this asshattery is that my stats are screwed up. You have to understand, the sparklines and the site stat features here are like crack for me. Put numbers in front of me, I start analyzing, because you can’t spell ‘analyze’ without ‘anal.’ Now my daily progress histogram to the left of the 13th is meaningless, though the huge, phallic traffic spikes are impressive. I now also have an all-time daily hit count record that I’ll likely never equal.
Well, unless I get Pressed again. We shall see. In the meantime I’ll be just ranting along here trying for one entertaining turd per day.
BrainRants 
October 17, 2011 at 07:19
The algorithm for FP is a closly guarded secret, like McDonald’s Secret Sauce or Tom Cruise’s height. Nonetheless, it’s safe to say that no matter how WordPress decides these things you are one deserving hombre, hombre.
October 17, 2011 at 07:36
I appreciate that coming from another good blogger.
October 18, 2011 at 02:17
Haha, this is the best comment I’e ever read. Amused me just as much as the post (which is freaking hilarious!)
🙂
uponatlas.
October 17, 2011 at 07:21
Ah, my highest ambition in life is to be Freshly Pressed…that and to finally have enough Canadian Tire money to buy a set of tires for my Jeep…aim high, I say. Aim high…
October 17, 2011 at 07:35
I’d try for the tires first. Sounds more important.
October 17, 2011 at 07:33
I was delighted to see you gain entry into the Freshly Pressed club, and so very happy to know I had discovered your blog before you became famous!
Good luck with that OCD analytical stuff!
October 17, 2011 at 07:44
Thank you, I’ve enjoyed your support.
October 17, 2011 at 07:42
I wasn’t surprised at all. You write a good post and you do a great job responding to comments. It feels a bit like I’m in the middle of a military comedy.
Your wife’s reaction reminds me of Hugh Jackman’s wife when he won Peoples Sexiest Man Alive – apparently his wife said to him, “hey sexy man, take out the garbage.”
October 17, 2011 at 07:43
*ejecting coffee on screen*
Funny you say that, I feel like I’m in a military comedy.
October 17, 2011 at 07:51
I think people get way too bogged down in the FP thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if it happened to me, but I’m not going to revolve my whole blog around the possibility.
The focus of my whole blog will clearly continue to be the meandering thoughts more suitable for private conversations with friends than the interweb.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed, that’s awesome.
October 17, 2011 at 07:56
That’s pretty much how I approached it too.
October 17, 2011 at 08:50
I was raised by gypsys so….you’re welcome.
October 17, 2011 at 08:54
🙂
October 17, 2011 at 10:22
I don’t write with the intent of making FP, but secretly I’d be overjoyed at it. Hopefully some of your new traffic will subscribe or stick around.
Besides, how you explained the burrito rage was awesome. It’s great that thousands more people got to experience it. I forwarded it to a friend who will also appreciate the humor and the writing.
My blog traffic follows a predictable pattern — spikes every Monday (mainly because of funny Monday quotes), then does pretty good Tues-Fri, then is low on the weekend. But occasionally I get a flood of unexpected traffic, like when the Aflac Duck linked to a post from his Facebook page. Never saw that one coming…
October 17, 2011 at 10:27
I was thrilled then overwhelmed by the traffic. Keep up the posts, though.
October 17, 2011 at 10:22
God, I know what your saying about the stats. You’re thrilled when THAT MANY people check out your blog, and then…. nothing. Because you’ll never be as good as you once was. Don’t worry. I’ll still read ’bout you. 🙂 (psst. I’m the only one who matters. Me and H.E.)
October 17, 2011 at 10:29
Yeah, that sums it up. And I know you and H.E. are the ones to fear… er, pay attention to. And Savor..
October 17, 2011 at 10:35
BTW, my stats did the same thing because you were freshly pressed. Apparently my comments are worthy of a traipse to my site.
Thanks for the traffic! 😉
October 17, 2011 at 10:44
I’d guess everyone on my blogroll got a boost, hopefully.
October 17, 2011 at 11:30
Hey I heard that!
October 17, 2011 at 20:41
Offend?
October 17, 2011 at 21:51
are you trying to offend?
October 17, 2011 at 22:35
No was asking if.
October 17, 2011 at 10:35
I’m just surprised you hadn’t been FP before. The thing that sucks is that after that long glorious weekend, we all still have to clean the catbox.
October 17, 2011 at 10:45
Yeah, the little fuckers just keep shitting, don’t they?
October 17, 2011 at 11:36
“because you can’t spell ‘analyze’ without ‘anal.’” I may have to steal this line. With due credit of course which may give you more traffic which will screw up your stats. maybe. Either way, love it.
October 17, 2011 at 20:41
It’d be tough to copyright that one, given the obvious spelling involved.
October 17, 2011 at 11:52
Take it when you can get it, just clean the litter box, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, fix the front door, and paint the entire house in and out with the color that is subject to change.
October 17, 2011 at 20:43
You’ve been listening to my household…
October 17, 2011 at 11:56
It was much deserved…
I have very crap ass days because I never really have time to do things I enjoy doing anymore.
But… whenever I take a break from the lab, I check your blog and there has yet to be a time when I haven’t lmao at your posts including this one. Don’t ever doubt why you were pressed. My aching abs are proof.
October 17, 2011 at 20:44
Hopefully keeping them tight too. And welcome to being a grownup. Sucks ass, huh?
October 17, 2011 at 21:12
I think the grown up thing happened ten years ago. Rough life… I had time 3 months ago but that was only because I took a semester off after my fiance passed away.
Now I’m back in the saddle! no sleep, no time. It may pay off soon I guess.
October 17, 2011 at 22:34
Ouch. So sorry. You seem to be making a good comeback though.
October 18, 2011 at 12:48
There are good days and bad days. I miss him more than I could ever articulate, but I know he wouldn’t want me to dwell. So I don’t.
Blog is fantastic, good laughs, you’ll always have a reader in me. Freshly Pressed or not.
October 18, 2011 at 19:04
Yours is probably the best comment I had today! Thank you.
October 17, 2011 at 12:40
When I saw you on freshly pressed I was like but I have already commented, so I could put will done on getting freshly pressed, but not I feel like I should not but I am English so Congrats – I think I was the first to comment – Do I get a prize for this 😛 Ahaha
October 17, 2011 at 20:44
You win a very large and heartfelt yet chaste smooch from me should I ever meet you. How’s that?
October 18, 2011 at 01:20
Well as prizes go that ones … erm ,.. special 😛
October 17, 2011 at 13:42
So I guess Elite and me are just chopped liver, eh?
(Smart man. Always keep the ladies happy. You know we dudes will stick with ya! 😀 )
I know it’s hard to ignore numbers, but don’t let ’em get ya down. Just keep the same inspired insanity coming, and we’ll all be happy. And who knows, maybe FP will rear its’ ugly head again? 😉
October 17, 2011 at 15:00
hey John, it’s now mid-afternoon – so whats yer big news? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
October 17, 2011 at 15:25
As soon as I know, you’ll know…. 😉
October 17, 2011 at 20:47
? WTF ?
October 17, 2011 at 20:47
? WTF ?
October 17, 2011 at 21:51
a follow up from a conversation over at Elite’s last night. John was supposed to have some big news today.
October 17, 2011 at 22:34
Like, he made a blog?
October 17, 2011 at 20:45
I know my boyz be understandin’.
October 17, 2011 at 14:38
hey, m new blogger. Just a week on wordpress. Liked ur approach for sarcastic writing. Congrats for d honour.
October 17, 2011 at 20:46
Thanks, yo, and u b keepin the posts comin an shit.
October 17, 2011 at 14:55
I’ll stick to being mediocre. What a hassle living up to expectations.
If I ever get the time to write my own stuff again, it’ll never get “pressed”. Most of it was history and that’s boring to most readers. It is a real cheap substitute for ambien though.
Time for a half-assed blatant self promoting link.
This is timely for Halloween (again).
The most viewed post at my low traffic spot here:
http://kansasmediocrity.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/the-bloody-benders-of-labette-county-a-true-ghost-story/
October 17, 2011 at 20:46
You can always branch out. It’s YOUR blog.
October 17, 2011 at 20:37
Phallic traffic spikes rock.
October 17, 2011 at 20:47
Well for some, yes.
October 18, 2011 at 01:54
Well, after your FP spike, you have at least one more regular visitor. Busy reading dozens of back copies, I wasn’t sure how often you posted, but found out. One a day, like Brain Vitamins… even when you and Uncle Sam are on tour? Most days I can’t seem to coalesce a coherent thought, much less one sufficiently socially significant to concisely and clearly rant about. (Where did I buy this post? At alliteration R us?)
Used to frequent Dictionary.com. I figured folks there would be the type to revel in correct spelling and usage, and appreciate the nuances of meanings. Dear Lord! 50% of them would have to take their mama along to fill out an application to walk under the golden arches. There was actual antipathy to knowledge, learning and good form. “This isn’t English class”, as if being right anywhere except class wasn’t acceptable.
You, and the gang who hang out here though, are a welcome relief. I’m going to have to step up my game just to keep up. I took a management seminar once which touted the group approach to problem solving. One person, no matter how bright, just couldn’t know, and think of, all the things that many could. I see that here. Your rants are high-grade, informative, amusing, thought-provoking, but when the comments get laid down and you guys all wind the others up and start sparking off each other, the results are high-larious. I’ll be baahck.
October 18, 2011 at 05:01
Glad you enjoy and welcome.
October 18, 2011 at 08:18
I’m not sure how they select some sites for FP either… I think they come to their decision by channeling dead, crazy people. The photography ones sometimes get me. “Here’s 700 glamour shots of my dog Fifi. Now praise my creative genius.”
October 18, 2011 at 18:58
You have a good point.
October 18, 2011 at 22:35
I hope I never get FP so I can continue to lead the anti-FP revolution (half-joke). But seriously, you deserve the ratings boost. wOOT partyyy.
October 19, 2011 at 06:10
Thanks Ashley. You may continue to spearhead the revolution.
October 19, 2011 at 12:53
The algorithm is probably something to do with number of views vs the number of likes/comments/shares.
But anyway good work, I find your blogs really interesting. I usually view blogs on my phone, and found that yours was missing :(. Been corrected now though.
And I believe most bloggers are like that to begin with, replying to every comment, makes it more personal.
Anyway better end this now before it becomes its own little rant
October 19, 2011 at 17:12
I just try to say something to each one since they took the time to comment. Thanks.
October 19, 2011 at 14:53
I really dig your writing style. You have cracked me up on several occasions.
Thanks for getting me through a rainy afternoon..
Darlene
October 19, 2011 at 17:12
No problem!
October 19, 2011 at 17:17
I commented on your post BEFORE all the excitement. So I missed seeing the 100’s of comments your burrito rage attracted.
Woot!
Of course, now there are going to be TRAFFIC JAMS on BrainRants when I want to comment on one of your witty posts.
At least I can say, “I knew him when . . . “
October 19, 2011 at 17:26
I fully expect the 99%-ers to disperse soon and get me back to some original thoughts. But your comments will always be welcome, Nancy.
October 22, 2011 at 14:07
well, truth is you very much deserve the spot on FP, if not a full time one. Thank you for making me giggle hyserically at work. For the extra loads of soiled laundry, cos the only bodily function I CAN control while reading your posts, is to try to breathe. I bow..
October 22, 2011 at 21:38
So I am providing a fiber-substitute like experience then…
October 28, 2011 at 12:34
[…] my prior posts, but as a child I put the “anal” in “analyze” (credit: BrainRants). This was especially true of Halloween. I would return from trick or treating, dump my goods […]