Awesome Shit: Eye Surgery

I got the inspiration for this blog entry while I was working on another one that touched on my former dweeb status as an unripe human and on into my teen years. The story is, I started going blind (legally speaking) when I was only 12. It was a slow process that was not noticeable until one day while while watching Carl Sagan’s Cosmos, my Dad asked me why I was squinting. Shit went downhill from there, and I wound up diagnosed with myopia – nearsightedness – which meant glasses.

Keep in mind here that this was long, long before the notion of being a hipster was even created, so escaping into a crowd of douchebags was impossible.Β My young ass had no recourse but to automatically get recategorized into the ‘nerd’ box, and my tendency toward stuff like Cosmos didn’t slow that designation down much. As the years ticked by, the eyes got worse, the grades stayed high, and spit out of high school the only saving graces to my nearly-dateless existence were contact lenses and football. By the time my vision stabilized, I was 24 and bottomed out at 20/400.

I waited patiently after corrective surgery was developed, which started off risky, painful, and prohibitively expensive. Years passed and I had largely quit thinking about it and given up when the Army acquired five cutting-edge Lasik systems and trained Army doctors to wield them. The program established was open to combat arms (those who do actual combat) Soldiers, the goal being to make the individual more deployable. Best of all, in exchange for being a guinea pig (albeit a fairly huge guinea pig), it was free. All I had to do was endure about four months of data collection and eye-measurement. This was no problem – I’d quit contact lenses years back because they were just a pain in the ass, and I was a combat arms officer. Measurements were taken, questionnaires completed, waiting areas occupied.

The day came, and in 45 minutes of actual time under the laser, the surgery was done. Next came recovery, which amounted to my big, white carcass laying on the sofa with my eyes closed resisting the urge to rub them. I had no idea how this was turning out, or whether the procedure would be good or not. The Sunday night following the Friday morning surgery was the time the doc said I could start acting normally. I got off the sofa and went outside, sans spectacles.

This was the moment of the miracle. No correction, and I could read shit on buildings waaay down the street. I could see shit thatΒ Di couldn’t even read. I enjoyed the moment and went inside to change my pants. Afterward I was assessed at 20/15. Today I’m at 20/20. Life was great. I got reaquainted with my toes. I no longer needed three rags for doing yardwork (drippy sweat issues). I was willing to swim again. I learned for the first time what my dick actually looked like.

So here’s the uplifting, enthusiastic conclusion: just do it if you hate your glasses. No matter what, it’s worth the money. The simple joy of waking up in the dark and being able to know what time it is in a quick, unsquinted glance is worth it alone. You won’t regret it.

89 Responses to “Awesome Shit: Eye Surgery”

  1. Now if they only had an equivalent for height surgery. I’m serious, you have no idea how hard it is to function in the world at 4’11”
    I think that’s why I’m so industrious. I’ve spent a life time learning to adapt.

    And don’t sweat being a nerd in high school. The only thing being hot in high school gets you is children.

  2. Insightful post.


  3. Life is better without a blurry dick.

  4. I keep suggesting this surgery to my wife, but she’s spent so much time with doctors, she’s resistant. Maybe I’ll send her this way…

  5. savorthefolly Says:

    So let me get this straight, if I get eye surgery I will then be able to see my dick?

  6. John Erickson Says:

    Still not sure I’d trust some yahoo to shoot lasers into my eyes, and I understand the science behind it! Since I can’t use contacts (makes my eyes burn and water no end), guess it’s four-eyes for life. So be it, couldn’t afford it if I wanted to!

  7. why am I here in a handbasket? Says:

    can I make fun of the 4’11.5″ guy?

    • John Erickson Says:

      Hey, take on a guy of any altitude at your own risk. I’m just saying the shorter ladies are FAR more dangerous than you might think. A friend of mine in college was 6’3″, around 200 lbs and solid muscle. His wife was 4’8″ or 4’9″, weighed about 80 pounds soaking wet, and could lift him off the ground with no effort at all! So like I said, you’ve been warned! πŸ˜‰

      • I’m the perfect height to punch tall guys in the junk. Just sayin’.

      • why am I here in a handbasket? Says:

        I can’t throw stones. I’m 5’1″. πŸ™‚

      • John Erickson Says:

        Another asset of shorter women? Deviousness. I love airplane museums, and the wife likes them enough to go with me. She’ll get me involved in conversation, then nonchalantly walk underneath a plane’s wing. Which is 6″ over her head. And I’m 5’10”.
        And then she laughs, the little @&$%#!!! πŸ˜€

      • You went to college?

      • John Erickson Says:

        Not only that, I got out in less than 3 years. Tested out of several classes’ worth of English/Writing type classes. It helped that the the “small computer” classes (as opposed to mainframe classes) ran on Apple 2s. It REALLY helped when the Faculty Aide that ran the Apple Lab wanted some games backed up, but all the machines only had one floppy drive – my home setup had two. I backed up all his disks, and for payment, got to make extra copies for me! Tripled my software library overnight! πŸ˜€

      • John Erickson Says:

        I hate to admit this, but of the over 50 discs I made, most of the companies represented don’t even exist anymore! Heck, most of them haven’t existed for decades! This was AGES before Jobs even DREAMED of the iPhone!

      • John Erickson Says:


    • Careful there. That’s a 4’11.5″ LADY.

  8. See Dick! See Dick run!
    And I know what it’s like to live with being 4’11”. I did it for a few months when I was younger. Wow, no picnic. Seriously, does anyone do picnics anymore?

    • Yes, there are probably billions (Carl Sagan ‘billions’) of ants out there doing picnics. Think about it.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        you know I went to pre-school with Carl Sagan’s son. His name is Jeremy. I remember having a playdate with Jeremy when i was a kid and his dad came to pick him up. Later I saw him on t.v. and shouted, “hey there’s Jeremy’s dad!”

      • savorthefolly Says:

        by head I assume you mean a total dickhead? yes, my dad was in the same department with him and my dad never liked him – he said he was a showman, not a scientist.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        he’s probably a pothead too

      • savorthefolly Says:

        was, since he’s dead now.

      • Well, actually, he was a pothead. And, as Ms. S pointed out based at least person-after-first observation, Carl was a pompous ass.

        However, he made a great TV series, the likes of which kept me on track learning in grade school and on into Jr and High schools, ultimately resulting in my college degree, and career, and well, fuck me here I am! Thank Carl Sagan for knowing me. I’m not joking.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        That’s cool. I remember watching his show once or twice and enjoying it. But we were only allowed very minimal tv so I didn’t get to watch it much. I’m trying to think if a t.v. show ever had a big influence on me but all I can think of is that my brother used to really get into the soap operas when our parents were gone. Seeing him get sucked into those, especially given that he was so damn cool all the time, well that pretty much blew me away.

      • When i was a kid, i loved fullhouse. I was at just the right stage in my life, and my own family was so f’d up, that it probably had the biggest effect on me that any media has ever had. Which is kind of funny now that i think of it.

      • Shoot- can you erase that last comment? I put my email up there and it will probably be harvested by latvian spambots if it stays up.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        ya know, I’m the only one whose allowed to call my brother gay, watch your step there mister, yer walking on hallowed ground *actual expression on face shows intense delight that brother who was always so unflapably cool is actually unbelievably lame (in private).*

      • savorthefolly Says:

        yes I understood that. I meant it broadly speaking – that I’m the only one allowed to insult him. Is it not that way with your sister – if you hear someone diss her you feel a mix of total enjoyment and protective instinct?

        either way, diss away – as I said, I actually got a huge kick out of it.

      • savorthefolly Says:


  9. savorthefolly Says:

    I’ve always wanted to get the surgery but I don’t think I’m eligible. My eyes are too dry to use any kinds of contacts – and since dry eyes is one of the potential side effects of the procedure, I’m not a good candidate.

    It would be so weird to me to not wear glasses. I pretty much only take them off to sleep, shower and fool around.

  10. Aww, I know exactly how the nerd thing went. I got my glasses when I was 9, and they were the big and plastic and blue and didn’t stay up, so I looked like a 9 year old granny. I’m glad you got to know your toes again!

  11. Great hipster line.

  12. I too was a nerd in school … I’ve been legally blind since birth (massive astigmatism), have had glasses since I was 5 and the technology for even cutting contacts to fit me didn’t happen until I was almost 30.

    And no, Rants, I’m not doing the Lasik thing. I have friends who have had it (with both good and bad results) and have done a lot of research. Besides the fact that I’m not willing to let anyone near my eyes with any sort of cutting implement, there is a risk of your eyes being too dry afterward. And since mine tend to dry out too much to begin with, well, it ain’t happenin’. πŸ˜‰

  13. I have glasses. I have no dick. I see no point in getting laser, scalpel or anything that can burn, slice or peel my eyeballs like grapes…thanks. I’ll wear my glasses…and risk it.

  14. I’ve had this done too. It was great, a real life changer! Still, the first thing I did when I woke up in the morning, was to look around for my glasses. The first few days after the operation I spent several minutes looking for them:
    “Where the f*%k are my glasses? Where could I have put them?”,

    After a few minutes of looking around and grinding my head, I woke up and realized that I could see perfectly well without them. This went on for a couple of weeks, gradually fainting out and the time spent looking for them was shorter and shorter each day, but I kept the habit of poking myself in the forehead between the eyes to “push my glasses back” for a long time after the lasik.

  15. LASIK malaysia…

    […]Awesome Shit: Eye Surgery « BrainRants[…]…

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