Astronaut! … Dammit

Okay, bitches … uhm sorry.. you all.  I wrote about the day before yesterday about my note to NASA to apply to be an astronaut so read this if you missed it: fucking link. Here’s the reply to my email to NASA:


From: JSC-Astronaut-Selection-Group <>
To: BrainRants LTC MIL USA
Sent: Thu Oct 06 20:15:58 2011
Subject: RE: Application questions (UNCLASSIFIED)

Thank you for your interest in the Astronaut Candidate Program. You can obtain information about the program at our Web site

 NASA will begin accepting applications in early November for an Astronaut Candidate class of 2013. A vacancy announcement will be posted to the USAJOBS Web site Applications are only accepted during an open vacancy announcement. Active duty military must apply through their military service. The military points of contact are listed on our Web site.

Teresa Gomez
Assistant Manager
Astronaut Selection Office
NASA Johnson Space Center
Mail Code … blah blah blah bullshit bullshit information.


Ok, so if you’re me, god help you, you’re wondering the following:

Why if I referenced the NASA website did you fucking send me back to that same site in the email? Really, you butt-tard? I didn’t find shit, you stupid ****, so why the fuck would I go bang away at a website that tells me two things: 1: Jack, and; 2: Shit. Eh? I don’t know either, Ms. Teresa (I Sit Here And Type Automated Fucking Responses) G0mez. For God’s tampon’s sake, why make me search this site again, lady? Fucking government employee troll.

Also, you didn’t give me any kind of assessment as to how successful NASA judges me in the selection process considering that I’m a fat, 42-year-old, cranky, semialcoholic bastard who will likely want internet access in space so he can publish blog posts about what it’s like to squeeze out huge steaming logs of poo in space to the general public. This is important, and as an O5 in the military I’d expect an O5-level response. Note: this is critical information since we’re working on opening up space to everyone. This means the general public will will need to know about opening up their rectums to zero-G and backing out an heroic astronaut dump… into a poo sucking space console. That is key insider information.

I guess my future then is in my own hands. The salient point I took from that email is that I have to apply through the Army, which I’m sure means about 50,000 different forms, all correct and submitted in fucking quadruplicate. Bastards. I have no doubt the Army will bureaucrat-fuck the life out of my effort. Sadly I fear the auto-response is a subtle hint to me, saying: “Dear fucktard, save the electrons and just amuse yourself with blogging.”

People, all I wanna do is get my ass launched into space. For those of you who give a shit or two, I made really awesome pork ribs tonight. But that’s not as awesome as looking out of a capsule down on y’all and talking to my Baby on the radiophonecommlink, telling her I’m fucking looking at fucking Kansas, and there are no lines on the Earth like in Google. That and I can see her boobs, and she looks fucking hot all the way from up there.


54 Responses to “Astronaut! … Dammit”

  1. savorthefolly Says:

    Wow! That was. an. awesome. post. As a civilian may I salute you?!

  2. savorthefolly Says:

    But I did also want to say that I don’t think you should take that email as a hint they’re not interested. I don’t know at all how military stuff works but I do know how it is when people are applying for a heavily sought after position and I bet they get inundated with requests – and that’s why she sent such a cursory letter. It probably is a huge lengthy headache of a process but that doesn’t mean you’re not a good candidate. It seems to me that this is really important to you so you gotta try – even if trying turns out to be a big beaurocratic headache. Good luck! I’m pulling for you.

    oh yes…and does this mean that all this time the austronauts could see my boobs?

  3. Just for fun , I’d like to watch you have your day at NASA …. with a baseball bat or something similar

  4. I wouldn’t take it a brush off, she’s clearly a tease and wants you to engage in conversation. Maybe tell her about wanting to do an astro-poo. Ask if she’s ever taken a moon dump!

  5. John Erickson Says:

    Oh come on, you’ve been in the military long enough to know that’s not even the first hurdle you’ve hit! You’ve got forms, committees, more forms, more committees, more forms ON committees, more committees ON forms, and then one more set of forms before they’ll even put your name and the NASA logo on the same sheet of paper! THEN the paperwork REALLY begins. This is government, pal, and every astronaut is PERSONALLY responsible for several square acres of Brazilian rainforest destruction.
    In other words, you have yet BEGUN to paperwork!
    Now, grab your white-out and a whole bucket of pens, and start filing forms! He who dies with the most papers, wins!
    And don’t forget the telephoto lens for the camera…..

  6. Follow through with their instructions. They’re not turning you away, just following protocol. Rejection would have went like this…


    Thank you for your inquiry. Although your qualifications are exceptional and could be valuable to any organization, we regretfully inform you that we cannot at this time accept any applications, nor can we assist in future applications.

    Best Wished,
    Fucktard at the TOP

  7. I’m glad your ribs turned out. And I think you should send them THIS post, because if they can’t appreciate a fat 42 year old army dude with a hot wife who made me almost pee my pants, then they might as well shut NASA down. Assbuckets.

  8. I’m guessing they just wanted to “let you down” easy. Instead of saying . . .

    Sorry, we don’t have any openings for “a fat, 42-year-old, cranky, semialcoholic bastard” at the moment (and are not likely to at any time in your life time).

    Still . . . I hate perpetual loops in outer space or inner space. Rocket on!

  9. Can you post some pics of your “hot ass” wife, Ranter? Or is it all a lie and you and John are doing the dirty every night with Savor watching?

    Yes, I’m BACK BITCHES! 😉

  10. oh God, brains what you have been eating send me some buddy, I left my brains in my core, lolzzzzzzzzzz 🙂

  11. why am I here in a handbasket? Says:

    I’m sure walmart is looking for greeters. Don’t despair. I wipe ass for a living. 🙂

  12. ThePapaSquat Says:

    2013??? Geez…

  13. That is beyond awesome. One could say to infinity and beyond awesome (get it, space joke? Lame? Yeah I figured). Anyway, that was a pretty cool idea to do that.

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