Astronaut! … Dammit
Okay, bitches … uhm sorry.. you all. I wrote about the day before yesterday about my note to NASA to apply to be an astronaut so read this if you missed it: fucking link. Here’s the reply to my email to NASA:
—————————From: JSC-Astronaut-Selection-Group <email@example.com> To: BrainRants LTC MIL USA Sent: Thu Oct 06 20:15:58 2011 Subject: RE: Application questions (UNCLASSIFIED)
Thank you for your interest in the Astronaut Candidate Program. You can obtain information about the program at our Web site http://www.astronauts.nasa.gov.
NASA will begin accepting applications in early November for an Astronaut Candidate class of 2013. A vacancy announcement will be posted to the USAJOBS Web site http://www.usajobs.gov. Applications are only accepted during an open vacancy announcement. Active duty military must apply through their military service. The military points of contact are listed on our Web site.Teresa Gomez Assistant Manager Astronaut Selection Office NASA Johnson Space Center Mail Code … blah blah blah bullshit bullshit information.
Ok, so if you’re me, god help you, you’re wondering the following:
Why if I referenced the NASA website did you fucking send me back to that same site in the email? Really, you butt-tard? I didn’t find shit, you stupid ****, so why the fuck would I go bang away at a website that tells me two things: 1: Jack, and; 2: Shit. Eh? I don’t know either, Ms. Teresa (I Sit Here And Type Automated Fucking Responses) G0mez. For God’s tampon’s sake, why make me search this site again, lady? Fucking government employee troll.
Also, you didn’t give me any kind of assessment as to how successful NASA judges me in the selection process considering that I’m a fat, 42-year-old, cranky, semialcoholic bastard who will likely want internet access in space so he can publish blog posts about what it’s like to squeeze out huge steaming logs of poo in space to the general public. This is important, and as an O5 in the military I’d expect an O5-level response. Note: this is critical information since we’re working on opening up space to everyone. This means the general public will will need to know about opening up their rectums to zero-G and backing out an heroic astronaut dump… into a poo sucking space console. That is key insider information.
I guess my future then is in my own hands. The salient point I took from that email is that I have to apply through the Army, which I’m sure means about 50,000 different forms, all correct and submitted in fucking quadruplicate. Bastards. I have no doubt the Army will bureaucrat-fuck the life out of my effort. Sadly I fear the auto-response is a subtle hint to me, saying: “Dear fucktard, save the electrons and just amuse yourself with blogging.”
People, all I wanna do is get my ass launched into space. For those of you who give a shit or two, I made really awesome pork ribs tonight. But that’s not as awesome as looking out of a capsule down on y’all and talking to my Baby on the radiophonecommlink, telling her I’m fucking looking at fucking Kansas, and there are no lines on the Earth like in Google. That and I can see her boobs, and she looks fucking hot all the way from up there.