Freak-Ass Blog Spam & Search Terms

Everyone else collects odd, funny, Engrish, and freak-ass spam and search terms, so why not me?  I wrote about blog spam earlier in general (click here), and I still don’t understand it but figure it’s still occasionally funny. Based on a few good reads, I started paying closer attention to the search terms and spam folder. Who knew this kind of personal entertainment was out there right under my nose?

The approach here is to just review and snatch the gems from the spam pile and search returns…

Odd Search Terms:

“Food critic books”  Okay there’s probably a book for everything, so guess it’s no surprise that food critics would have books. I wonder if this is a “For Dummies” edition. Perhaps there’s a whole sub-genre of fiction for food critics.

“The meaning of irwin” Straight-up WTF. Meaning of life? Sure.  But irwin?  Is this a person, language, place, thing, or… hmm… 43?

“Bobby Flay is a douchebag” Why, yes, he is in fact a douchebag. Thank goodness the interwebs finally realizes it. Finally something I can get behind.

“Clues that you need help” This left me laughing for a few minutes. Shit, I guess they finally found out, and thought up a really great way to send me a hint. I tend to think, though, that in my case we’re well beyond ‘clues’ and are mainly in ‘flashing neon road crew warning sign’ territory. For those that speak tween: I’m trippin.’

“That irritating song that has no words” This one makes me think, because I find most music without words mildly irritating, especially muzak. Unless it’s classical. Mainly. I think also that any Celine Dion song with the words excised is much better for it, but still never makes it to the ‘humans should hear this’ category.

“Goatballs food”  Really? I have no words. Andrew Zimmern is out there, he’s hungry, and he’s on the internets…

“who would believe this shit”  No idea. Which shit are we referring to? I find myself not believing 90% of the shit I post here, and then I realize I was there for it, and besides Journey says Don’t Stop Believin’. In shit. Because it happens.

Blog Spam: The vast majority of this crap is just sentence fragment one-liners that are apparently designed to tantalize me to the point I’ll either click the link or go ahead and allow their comment on my blog. Somehow neither ever happens. A sampling:

“2011disaster…” I didn’t click the link to what I think was a blog.  I hope the ass nugget doing this blog realizes there’s only about three months left for his disaster.  Wonder if he’ll shut down operations after that.  We can only hope. Personally, 2011 has been a bit of a disaster so I really don’t need any more, thanks.

“new rap song” – With a YouTube link no less. No thanks, dog, I’m trying to cut back on the gangsta. You can’t spell ‘crap’ without ‘rap’ in there too, yo.

“Work At Home Master Pays 75% Commission!…”  – Wow. Not even sure how to approach this one. I mean, is this a slavery ponzi scheme, or some kind of kinky BDSM-by-mail-order? And just how the hell would that work? “Dear subscriber, I’ve included fifty lashes with my flail in this envelope. Find them and apply them you worthless maggot or you get no commission!” WTF?

“CIGIQ!!!!! ONLY 28 million o/s and at .OOO5!!! VERY RISKY. Got some ADSYQ as well for the bounce, its coming on both! “ – Now, this looks like some kind of code. Maybe from an ADD terrorist, who knows? Not me. Jacques has a long mustache… the cat ate the blue sofa…

“natural pain… “ – Is this supposed to tempt me? And is there an alternative kind? What am I possibly missing out on here? If I buy some pain, can I put it on someone’s sandwich?

“People Wallpaper… “ – Disturbing. This could be wallpapers with photos of people… or it could be wallpaper made of people. Soylent? *shudder*

“vagina loose…” – And sent from a ‘vagina tighten’ web site. I don’t have this problem myself of course, but I’ve been told it can happen. I had no idea they’d found a way to cinch that shit back up. Amazing what science can do!

“upper buttock pain…” – Absolutely! You are so good at self-characterization. Spams are in fact a pain in the upper buttock region, and mine keeps growing larger… both of them. Retard.

23 Responses to “Freak-Ass Blog Spam & Search Terms”

  1. This made me laugh a lot, especial “Clues that you need help” Ahaha are you in need of help?

  2. This post is so you! Well done!

  3. Hahahaha 😀 this stuff’s always a good laugh . I think I’ll make a post of it as well .

  4. My favorites are a toss up between, “fuck you i have enough friends” and “jensen ackles life size cut outs.”

    I read my search terms the way most people read their horoscopes, trying to pick out the bits that somehow the universe/internet believes apply to me. Really not sure how to feel about these two, though.

  5. John Erickson Says:

    Blackjack has taken over the “goatballs food” investigation. SOMEBODY is gonna be in a WORLD of hurt…..
    Have you considered that “The Meaning of Irwin” is a captioning tool for “Crocodile Hunter” videos? Crikey, his accent can get THICK!
    And I think the “CIGIQ” one is a computer in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Has anybody seen John Connor lately?

  6. Awesome. No wonder they think you’re a “food critic” since you’ve characterized Bobby Flay to perfection . . . in the same post that Andrew Zimmern appears.

    Write on! nom nom

  7. wordsfallfrommyeyes Says:

    This is hilarious! The first time I noticed spam mail, I was so intrigued. It meant nothing, but COULD it mean something? I wondered how it was generated, why it was generated. What is spam’s purpose? I just don’t know where it comes from. Like all these wordpress blogs putting good sentences together, but you get some rogue words that break free, collect in a pool and then suddenly jet out into letterboxes, making no sense at all. A really good rant, this one.

  8. I was laughing so hard, since I’ve considered doing a similar post. The weirdest one for me had to be “Prawn Porn” as a search term. I mean, what kinda sick bastard…?

    • You want me to say this out loud? Nevermind, never stopped me before.. that’s people who jack off to pictures of shrimp, lobster, crab, and (eeew) crayfish…[riverbugs]….

  9. What a vagina’s loose?
    Where, and does the owner know it’s missing?

    Goatballs Food?
    That’s funny.

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