Fun Run

I honestly have no idea what kind of asshattery goes on in the civilian world because I’ve been at this Army Stuff now since I was 19, and the only non-government jobs I’ve held were two hourly-wage deals in high school before I got wise and started my one-man neighborhood landscaping mafia. Anyway, Mandatory Fun is known to the Soldier under several names, but Mandatory Fun captures it best, I think. One of the more physically challenging Mandatory Fun events you will endure is the Fun Run.

Up front and to be completely fair, the Fun Run’s intent is primarily to get folks in an Army unit together to do some “light” exercise and kind of do that bonding bullshit that the idiot Hollywood types at least recognize but often misrepresent. You know, that closeness you get with another human who is experiencing agony within five feet of you. Secondary to that is the benefit of getting your fat ass out of bed and jogging. In theory, this is a mandatory win-win. In theory. Normally a Fun Run is actually fun, meaning it’s two miles or less, at a rediculously slow pace, and at times pre-approved for wear of hilarious but non-Army sweat-in-clothes.  I’ve even seen a freak-ass Halloween unit Fun Run, which was fun for everyone else.

The theory breaks down when the unit in question doesn’t fit the average Army mold, or when that nonstandard composition unit does really odd stuff. Kind of like the unit I’m in. By way of explanation, I probably ought to let you all know that my current ‘Army World’ involves nothing but majors and up, with a buttload of Army Civilians. This means the median age of the unit is probably around 50. Ok, 58. I’m not joking. But the civilians don’t can’t run, so on the day-of, the median of the group settles down to around 45.

In the end, after all is said and done, when stretching and stationary calisthenics are finished, you have a mass of jiggling, air-gulping, creaky-jointed retards who have long since forgotten the finer techniques of how to do Army shit like stay in step, run in formation, or do the whole cadence thing. Personally, I did ok but only because I enjoy running on my own time. I have to admit I had to keep apologizing for lodging my knees up the guy in front of me’s ass. That, and fend off the 260-pound, hairy, sweaty troll next to me who for some reason kept running in a oscillating wave pattern, which meant he kept rubbing his wet, brillo-pad arms against mine. That got taken care of once the four miles was over and we flopped around in the dewy, fresh-mowed grass in a pathetic approximation of push-ups and some abdominal work.

As I mentioned, I managed to hold my own in spite of the fact that it’s been quite a while since I ran four miles, and all of them in a row, consecutively. To add insult to personal injury, I typically will make use of the free gym equipment and run on a treadmill, sparing my knees, ankles and hips. I start at a good, steady, but slow pace. After I’m good and warmed up, I kinda back off from there. So after four in-a-row miles on asphalt, the glass shards in my lower joints (which I know are there but nobody is willing to verify for the record) were singing at high pitch, accompanied by the tendons and muscles in a three-part harmony of agony. Today – the next morning – I plan on chugging water like Aquaman to help wash out the lactic acid, which I’ve been pissing straight since around lunch yesterday.

Since I also understand the diuretic effect of beer, I plan on studying how that can assist my recovery as well.


67 Responses to “Fun Run”

  1. You fricken ran??? Nah, I just don’t do fun runs. What exactly is supposed to be “fun” about it? Yeah, I’m more of a walk if I have to type. Running just isn’t in my vocab. Besides, I get better exercise by trying to keep my twins from killing me. 😀

  2. Getting old pretty much sucks doesn’t it? I used to run for fitness and competition but in my mid twenties developed an arthritic condition so now only low impact exercise for me.

  3. mkultra76 Says:

    Damn, you do have a way with words. I could almost feel the wet, brillo pad arms myself. Yikes…

  4. Hmm… “a jiggling, air-gulping, creaky-jointed” and “my lower joints were singing at high pitch, accompanied by the tendons and muscles in a three-part harmony of agony.” exactly describes any running experience I’ve had since I was 10. By myself.

  5. An oxymoron if there ever was one ….. Let me know how the beer idea turns out .

  6. John Erickson Says:

    Don’t mess with beer – it takes too long to work. Everclear gets the job done much faster, has the side benefit of numbing pain, and can be passed off as water – as long as nobody can smell it.
    And if God had meant us to run, He wouldn’t have created gasoline.

  7. I think my favorite thing about your blog is that no matter what the post, by the time the day is done all the comments you guys leave end up veering off onto some random topic. Seems kind of disorganized for a bunch of military guys (despite how it reads, I mean that in a good way).

  8. Ranter, you fail to impress me. I’m not yet 19 and my bro and I go for 6 mile runs at 4am. He’s going into the National Guard most likely and I’m going into Journalism, hopefully embedded Journalism.

    We should NOT be able to outdo you. RUN FASTER!

    • Ho-ly shit. You got some balls, kid. I’m thinkin’ it’s you that better start running…

    • Ok, young assclown, you reveal your lack of experience with your mere comment. Of course you do better, because as stated you’re under 19. When I was YOUR age, I could have asked John Erickson (who would have been 109 then) to pick a number between 1 and 20, and then run that number of miles at a 6:30 pace, and when done, ask, ‘now what?’ But guess what? I’m 42, old, fat, and I just DON’T work that way anymore. Guess what’s gonna happen to YOU in 20 years, young buck? Assuming your combat-inexperienced ass survives the zombie apocalypse… fuck, somebody help me here…

  9. Oh I miss running! Wait! WTF? What did I just say? I MISS running?

    Sigh, it’s true. I’ve become one of those idiots who like to run. What the hell is wrong with us? Can’t wait for my back to get better so I can resume being a running weirdo.

  10. Great post, my brainy friend!
    Hilarious, even!

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