I thought my following would be amused by this email that I sent off today. Names have been changed to protect the hostile motherfuckers who don’t want their identity stolen or have their personal, firewalled email hacked the fuck up. You all should know that I’ve long dreamed of being an astronaut. In fact I would readily sacrifice some key body parts (only one each of the pairs ofย those that that come in pairs) to do this.ย Why I didn’t apply years ago has a lot to do with another blog post which will eventually follow and regards my vision correction. Note also that yours truly put the actual NASA Selection email address below. Enjoy:


From:ย  BrainRants, LTC, RandomArmyUnit {}


Subject: Application Questions [UNCLASSIFIED]

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

Sir or Ma’m:

I found an article online stating that NASA will open the astronaut application process in the near future. Being a big fan of our space program and a person who always thought being an astronaut would be rewarding, I am curious about my chances should I apply. I did visit your NASA web site and the applicable media on this, but could find no in-depth descriptives or an actual application form.

Of note, I am a 42-year old Army Lieutenant Colonel. I have a BS in Civil Engineering, a MS in Management, and 19 years of Commissioned leadership experience. Admittedly, I have not actively put my BS degree to any kind of application. However, I am willing to learn, desire and understand service, and am an excellent team player. I am not interested in piloting any spacecraft (unless required) and would be willing to serve as a mission specialist, or even test subject. I consider myself to be in moderate to good physical condition, and estimate that I could pass the swim tests described easily.

I welcome any preemptive warnings, advice, or encouragement.

Thank you.

LTC BrainRants


Ok, keep in mind this is exactly what I sent, except I didn’t sign as ‘BrainRants’. Obviously I will let you all know what answers I get out of NASA.ย  And in case you didn’t catch it: yes, I did volunteer to be a NASA Crash Test Dummy.

Peace Out.


80 Responses to “Astronaut?”

  1. Cool. If you need a psych eval to get in, just let me know. you may remember of course, I’ve already assigned a diagnosis.

  2. seriously, that’s great. Good luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I hope you get a positive response. I think that you would make an excellent Crash Test Dummy. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. Good luck !!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I can’t see why they wont take you up on your offer ๐Ÿ˜› .
    I had no Idea you’re a civil Engineer!! :O I’m in my 2nd year civil engg !

  5. Well…ahem…good luck with that. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. haha you might enjoy the writing of Ben Trovato. South African columnist with the hilarious habit of writing fake applications and wonderfully obnoxious letters to people in power ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. If you get in please, please, please send me some astronaut ice cream! I’ve wanted to try some my whole life but never have. Ok, now brace yourself, there’s a rare moment of seriousness ahead:

    I think it’s amazing that you’re attempting this at all, honestly. As a kid I had a good shot at college that I intentionally blew just to prove something to my father. Now that my kid is looking at colleges I’ve been considering going myself, but the idea is so overwhelming to me that I’ve been stalling with the application.

    I imagine applying to the space program is a lot scarier than showing up to class with a book in my hands, so I guess I’d better soldier up and get to stepping.

    • Don’t kick yourself. All humans have 20/20 hindsight from birth, but foresight takes a lifetime to get corrected. I suspect you’ve managed to do well anyway.

    • That’s interesting. I rebelled against my hippie father by dating policemen and army guys – which still left a clear path towards college but also successfully horrified my father.

      Go for it H.E. Never to late to go to college. When I graduated, there were some HS kids in the audience cheering their mom on for earning her Ph.D. Pretty damn cool.

    • Distance learning programs might be good for you too. Also there are scholarships for non-traditional students that you should look into. Most universities will lower the credit requirements as well, taking into consideration your current schedule and commitments.

      If you need any help at all, my email is I’d be happy to help. I was a non-traditional student myself for my last year in undergrad.

      • I wondered about programs like that myself. Real world me works with special needs kids, specifically with autism, and I think my workplace has a re-reimbursement program for college tuition.

        I appreciate the offer of advice, I really do. I was a kind of a hood- rat growing up, so the idea of going to college scares the crap out of me. But I figured I ought to learn something a bit more practical than boosting cars so scared or not, I’m college bound.

      • I agree. H.E. there is no question you’ve got what it takes to succeed in college. You’re obviously wicked smart and fiesty and I’d be willing to bet you could drink any college kid under the table. What more does one need to succeed in college?

        But yes, it can be a whole lot of work.

        • You said I’m wicked smart. I’m sold.

          Whenever I come here I make sure to open a new tab just to look up some of the stuff I read that I don’t understand. Most of the time it’s military lingo that trips me up, but not always. For instance I had to look up what a civil engineer does. Impressive, by the way Brainrants. But I always learn something, so it’s a start.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        Okay so you’re making my point for me. The fact that you go look stuff up that you don’t know is exactly the right attitude ’cause I can promise you, no matter how much education you get you will still need to look up info all. the. time. It’s a huge world out there and none of us has the time or smarts to learn it all. That’s actually a good thing because it means we l get a chance for a lifetime of adventure. Am I starting to sound corny? It’s really hard to write something wise while simultaneously learning how to type with just my thumbs. Ga!

      • John Erickson Says:

        Just as an example, I went to college for computer programming and business. All my military knowledge, science and sci-fi knowledge, history knowledge, and car knowledge came from “outside learning”.
        The best gift my mom gave me was “Never be afraid to ask why – and then find out”.

      • John E.! There you are. I’m on a shameless self-promotion tour. Please come visit my blog. I’m up and running again and clearly no blog is complete without your comments. I’ll take it as a personal insult if you don’t come on over and write a long rambling comment just for me. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • John Erickson Says:

        No problem, I’ll be over in a little bit. Kinda spread thin right now – the wife injured her hand last night, so I’m doing her clean-up work over at the church, as well as my own house and yard work while also beating the inbox into submission. Should be done in about a half hour – catch up with ya then!

        • Well you’re more humanitarian than any of us ever guessed. Seriously, please let Mrs. Erickson know I said that I hope her hand gets better soon. Have her read my two-part stuff on my wife. She’ll probably feel better by comparison.

      • John Erickson Says:

        The sci-fi knowledge worked great – it allowed me to meet a lot of really cool people, not the least of which I married. It helped me see a lot of this country, and has gotten me several proof-reading gigs, through which I’ve met some really nice folk. And it helped me find a lawyer, a friend of whose may actually pry some money out of Social Security’s hands for me!
        After all, like the book says, “Everything I Ever Needed To Know, I Learned From Star Trek”.
        And the wife thanks you for your concern. It’s the dog’s fault – I lucked out for once! ๐Ÿ˜€

      • savorthefolly Says:

        getting the brush off from John E., the man who leaves comments everywhere?

        Well John, you don’t HAVE TO come to my party if you don’t want to. My blog is in the civilian world so no ‘mandatory fun’ there. :p

        and please do let Mrs. E know that I hope she feels better soon.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        That’s totally awesome H.E. It’s been about 7 or 8 years since I taught any college courses but I remember the mature students were ALWAYS some of the best students in the class. They were very clearly in a very different place then the younger ones. They took the opportunity to learn very seriously and it always showed. If you haven’t already you might also consider going and checking out Woman Wielding Words (she’s on my and The Idiots blogroll). She’s and English professor and seems like a really nice lady. It might help remove the mystery a bit.

        Also, I wanted to pass on something one of my clinical supervisors once told me (regarding my training to be a psychologist): she said that the only difference between me and her was that I hadn’t learned the stuff that she knew YET. With time and experience I would get to the same place she was and she is a very skilled therapist. Remembering that has helped me through many times when I (correctly) felt like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing!

      • savorthefolly Says:

        no flame war. I am actually a total jack ass for leaving that comment. John E. had already left a very nice comment on my blog maybe 30 minutes before I even wrote that.

        but wait a minute…the only reason I come here is because it is advertised as a flame war friendly blog???????

        • No, I’ll shut comments down if shit gets out of control, but thanks for the word. I really and actually like your input because it’s so fucking real.

          As for J.E., there’s very little hope for him. Sadly.

      • John Erickson Says:

        No harm, no foul. I’m running around trying to get MY house in order, AND the church in order for tomorrow, AND talk to you guys, AND forging an online friendship with a lady whose husband is a 173rd Airborne vet from the Battle of Hill 875, Dak To, Vietnam, AND……
        I’m not sure which way I’m going! So if I ask anybody about what moves they made to guard their flank, I’m not REALLY getting personal, honest! ๐Ÿ˜€

      • hey what can I say….I told you all when I showed up here that I’ve been stalking him for years but nobody took me seriously….

        as for being so real…thank you…I think….?

        But seriously folk, I’m sitting here anonymously writing comments – I’ve got nothing to lose by being real. But it is also true that I’m probably like this in real life too, once you get to know me.

        also, how the hell do I insert my comments in the middle of the comment stream? The only thing I’ve been able to do is insert them at he end?

      • John Erickson Says:

        That’s why I start new comment groups.

  8. That letter was full of tangy goodness!

  9. Hereโ€™s to hoping that your email isnโ€™t the only thing that ends up in space!

    I always wanted to be Hank Williams (Senior – Junior can kiss my patriotic liberal ass), but I just couldnโ€™t go for the dying young partโ€ฆ.damn.

  10. John Erickson Says:

    I think they’d be crazy to turn you down. Yeah, there might be younger punks with more letters after their names, but with your life experiences, you could put ’em all to shame. And what terrors could a bumpy take-off hold for you, when you’ve ducked live incoming? Good luck, my friend, and if you need any information on propulsion technology, let me know. (Seriously – I studied for a few years to be an aeronautical engineer, before I grabbed onto the I/T gig.)

  11. I am DEFINITELY amused! Well done.

  12. So I’m studying at Purdue U. for my PhD. In light of this, the school has a rich history of training astronauts, specifically a joint commission between engineering and my department, Earth and Atmospheric Sciences which houses the Planetary Sciences. Heck, the engineering building is named after famous alum, Neil Armstrong. I’ve seen their resumes, noted their credentials and I don’t see why NASA wouldn’t seriously consider you.

    That said Goodluck… and if you get the opportunity, it would be great if you could gather some nice stable isotope data for me… specifically tritium and C14 for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ .

  13. John Erickson Says:

    I was NOT a convention whore – I never scored once. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I did meet really nice folks, best of which was Grace – until I met the wife. Made some good friends, but lost touch of most of ’em in the enforced move to Ohio. Trying to rebuild with a new circle, but I’m stuck between two extremes – people too geographically close, and people too far away. I gotta find me some Hoosiers! ๐Ÿ˜€

  14. […] before yesterday about my note to NASA to apply to be an astronaut so read this if you missed it: fucking link. Here’s the reply to my email to […]

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