Rant: Overly-Comfortable People
I am totally all about comfort, and I’ve gone off on this topic before here. My off-duty wardrobe reflects my affirmation of comfort as the azimuth by which I dress myself when not otherwise doing Army stuff.
However, there is a point where folks really need to embrace a basic level of decorum, if not common sense. I like to think I adhere to that minimally, and sort of exceed it most of the time. Some people clearly do not, and I only have to refer you to the People of Wal-Mart website as explicit proof of what I’m ranting about here: that there are some people who are just a bit too comfortable in public.
What got me thinking about this subject was my most recent sojourn through three of our nation’s larger airports. Sitting and waiting for my flight, there’s a guy directly across from me in an airport chair reading a book. This continued for about fifteen minutes, at which point homeboy decided he was tired, and sort of contorted into a modified fetal postion and went to sleep. In the middle of Gate 37A. With folks all around him. Total coma. I don’t know about you out there, but that’s waaaay too comfortable for me, and not just because I can’t reasonably fold all 6’1″ of me enough to do that. To me, you might as well tape a sign to you that says, “Easy Target: Prison Sex Candidate.”
As if that weren’t odd enough, then I start noticing other folks. A young guy wearing what turned out to be the same cotton sleep-pants I like to wear. Difference is, I just sleep in them. Occasionally I might venture as far as the porch in them, maybe the car if I left something in it. But the airport? Really? I half-expected the kid to curl up next to Mr. Coma and join him. Maybe I’m wrong and was inadvertently sitting in the terminal section marked “Day Care,” but I doubt it. I figured BWI was having a theme day.
I never fully understood the clean underwear while traveling imperative, but I do know there are some things you really ought not wear out in public. Some of these things are:
Underwear: Actually optional, clean is better – they shouldn’t emit a fetid reek through three layers of outerwear. However, whatever your personal choice, make sure nobody else knows about your choice. Underwear (if worn) always goes under your clothes, not on the outside. That’s why it’s underwear.
Workout Clothes: Occasionally acceptable, always ok for actual exercise. Generally, though, it should leave no more than 50% of your skin exposed. If working out, exposure percentages increase inversely with body fat content. If used for general public wear, it shoud not be “used” (English: moist and / or with odor), and should support the general idea of not showing off your underwear. Of note, velvet track suits are not workout clothes.
Pajamas: Great for activity inside your home, nominally sleeping. Not good for travel, shopping, picking up grocieries, or church.
Other: This category would include specialized sports equipment, Halloween costumes worn on the other 364 days, bondage equipment, sports team mascot costumes, or anything else that might mildly resemble this stuff. A notable exception are those who need a hockey helmet, but odds are good that if you’re reading this you don’t fall in the short-bus group.
Behaviors: I’ll try to condense this, but in truth this list could go on over several blogs. Sleeping is generally not cool, though on nice days in a park, you can get away with it. Nose picking is off limits, and gold-diggers are reminded that cars have windows, and they’re transparent. PDA – refrain from performing tonsillectomies with your tongue in public on your boo, and we don’t think you’re actually performing a breast exam either. Package handling is crass as well, because believe me it is attached well enough that you don’t have to carry it, and none of us believe that sorry thing is so massive it requires manual control. I’ve ranted before on this, but pants waistbands go on the waist, and if you insist on being digitally connected to friends, music, or the mothership 24/7, you should look up ever five seconds or so to make sure you’re not being a moving obstacle to us folks out here in the meatscape.
More Behaviors: Ok, I had to add more… crack spelunking. Leave it there. If your underoos fit that poorly, that’s a sign you need different ones, but please stop trawling your asscrack for cotton. Bathing is a must. Nobody wants to be trapped in a metal tube at 40,000 feet next to Mr. Natural. Also, please finish your makeup routine because the world is not your personal vanity, and I don’t want you brushing that hair out for the seventh time in an hour because no matter what, I’ll have to explain that, so stop being a human cat. Gum popping – prepare to die. There is an upper limit to the amount of cologne / perfume one ought to wear, and that is far below the eyewatering, nosebleed levels some think is acceptable. Probably most important, control your offspring. I will never blame them for acting like savage heathens, but I will punish you for it. Trust me, they’re not cute. I don’t want saliva and cracker on me, nor do I enjoy the ear-ruining frequency at which your little angel can shriek (and neither do the dogs).
Hope this clears this issue up for everyone.