Burrito Rage

By now my regular readers know that I love food, and I’m going to be posting a lot of recipes regarding the stuff I like to eat.

Context:  based on personal desire to stuff myself with Mexican food (“Make me some beans, and don’t screw them up like that one time… please.“) I sprang into action and cooked some of my Handcrafted Artisan Refried Beans.  Ok, maybe just refried beans.  But I do make them from scratch, and they are delicious.  If you’re curious, the ingredients are pinto beans, lard, bacon grease, and salt.  That’s it.  I personally prefer a hint of cayenne and cumin, but that alone constitutes “screwing them up,” so I add that later for my individual portions.  Anyway…

The Incident: I had successfully executed a massive batch of beans, filling our 16″ cast iron skillet to the rim.  They were warm, brown, and bubbly. I warmed tortillas and got the cheese and hot sauce ready to load up my digestive system with a bomb of epic proportions that I could enjoy sharing with most of the people I know over the course of the next several days.  We filled and wrapped, carefully doing our patented “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold” and set off to watch the news with our beany rewards.

Iwas very pleased as I’d stuck to the minimalist recipe, and sitting with myself I inhaled my two bean-n-cheese masterpieces and about half a bag of corn chips.  We paused after scarfing to actually hear the news.  I stifled a healthy belch that opened up a vast tract of new stomach space, and quietly got up to go back to the kitchen where the package of tortillas and cheese beckoned.  I’d managed to warm up my one additional tortilla before all hell broke loose.

I have no idea what mycue was.  Maybe it was the resonance of the metal spoon on the cast iron, or the whisper of the plastic tortilla packaging.  Perhaps it was the telltale thumping of my weight on our antique house’s kitchen floor.  I will never know, but obviously I was emitting strong “husband committing misdeeds” waves at that moment.  From the living room, hell’s fury was unleashed.

I don’t think I can adequately communicate the pure rage directed at me for attempting to eat a third burrito.  I know there was some language peppered in the sentences hurled at me regarding portion control, my prior complaints about my own weight, and a pre-emptive strike at tomorrow’s inevitable morning-movement bowel complaints and after action review.  At the time it was virtually impossible to tell as most of the salient points were interspersed with some ancient ur-language born somewhere around Dante’s 500th level. Noting her posture, I maintained steady eye contact, made no sudden moves, and backed out of the kitchen with minimal lateral movements and keeping my hands relaxed and at hip-level.

The summary of this whole incident is that I’m a healthier and happier man because of the Burrito Rage.  That’s my story.  I’m sticking to it.

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495 Responses to “Burrito Rage”

  1. Burrito Rage ahaha!

  2. John Erickson Says:

    Beans? BEANS?!? You goin’ squid on me, boy? To quote that beloved little old lady (Yes, Elite, you WON’T get this one), “Where’s the beef?!?”

    • truelibertarian Says:

      It’s from a suite of vintage Wendy’s commercials. What do I win?

      • John Erickson Says:

        You win the collected works of the London Philharmonic Orchestra, as played by Brainrants and his all-burrito band. Sure you still want a prize? 😉

      • truelibertarian Says:

        I’m going to go ahead to go ahead and assume that by “all-burrito band,” you mean using burritos instead of instruments. And so, I’m currently visualizing a man drumming on a box of burritos, a man blowing into a burrito like a flute, and a gigantic tube-shaped burrito. Needless to say, I still want the prize.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Don’t think “playing”. Think “powered by”, especially the (pun intended) wind instruments. And it comes in the very first release of “Smell-O-Vision” so you get all the sights, sounds, and smells of the event!
        Gas mask NOT included. Still want it? 😉

      • truelibertarian Says:

        Oh c’mon, you know you want to see/hear someone playing a burrito tuba. We both win.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Sorry, just got done consulting with my lawyer. We can’t release anything with the “Smell-O-Vision” feature, as (he pointed out) gas warfare is against the Geneva convention.
        I’ll see if we can still release a 3-D version….

      • Anonymous Says:

        … a vintage t-shirt if you are one of thelucky one’s chosen sometime in December 2011.

    • You don’t like refried beans?

      • John Erickson Says:

        Nope, never have. It works fine in restaurants, ’cause the wife doesn’t like the rice. So I get her rice, she gets my beans, and all ends well!

    • Why would I want your old, scummy, wrinkly self? *gags*

  3. Lard AND bacon grease? That’s seriously hard-core. I gotta admit, it sounds really, really good.

  4. truelibertarian Says:

    Did you repay her for her aid by making sure she woke up on time with your bean-related odors?

  5. Oh wow , that sounds brilliantly delicious !! :O
    As for portion control …… I get the same crap from my Mom when I’m home :-/ . Needless to say , I’m not easily discouraged .

    • Hmm. I understand Indian moms can be hard core too.

    • haha really?? I’m Indian and I’m pretty sure my uncle has been training my three cousins since birth to be bottomless pits! They eat everything and a whole lot of it! When I visited my uncle he told me I don’t eat because I wouldn’t have a third serving. My mom can’t keep up with their eating habits so that’s the only time she speaks about portions lol. Usually my mom gets angry if I don’t finish all of what’s left on my plate! Maybe you’re just a bottomless pit like my cousins :p … my uncle would love feeding you!

      and BrainRants, great blog! The unpredictability of your wife reminds me of my grandmother. Always one eye on what she’s doing and the other eye on the rest of the house 🙂

  6. I read this to my husband, and he laughed out loud. He can totally relate to the “don’t screw it up” part. I guess he hears a version of that from me on occasion. Tell your wife she and I are great minds that think alike. 🙂

  7. Hold on this whole blog is a lie. He isn’t the fearless soldier at all, she is. The man is a fraud and a bounder.

  8. If she didn’t LOVE you so much . . . she would have fried up a pound of bacon and piled it on your plate where it would eventually wend its way to your mid-section WITHOUT bypassing your arteries.

    Just saying . . . 😉

  9. Well shoot, I need to learn some tips from your wife. One of the unspoken rules in my marriage is that I am NEVER allowed to make ANY comments of ANY kind about my husband’s eating habits. My husband treats even a raised eyebrow as the eyebrow communication equivalent of shrewish ball-busting (not to be confused with the other kind of sweet tempered ball-busting).

  10. I believe the rage was due to the fact that she probably wanted your underwear and the sheets to remain hole-less. If you had had the 3rd burrito, there would have been a high probability that the effluvium emitted from you ass would have disintegrated both.

  11. Sparklebumps would probably get upset if everyone kept popping round to use her thesaurus.

  12. lard…righteous. continue…

    • It was true rage… over a burrito.

      • Hey, guy – Congrats on being discovered, and the Freshly Pressed Traffic, about to follow this comment! I would like to get on my soap box and announce, to all the world, I discovered you before all of this, your fleeting fame, and even put you on my blog roll…
        ( academy award music plays, young girl in gown comes up to sweep me off the stage…)

        -I’d just like to thank WordPress, for never having FP’d me, no, not even once, while all around me, other bloggers I associate with are given ZFront Page status…but no, not me. Who is that bitch over there who hates me anyway? She must be fat…

  13. Wow, I know you, John, sort of, indirectly–by way of an idiot we both love. Congats on FPed! Guess I need to subscribe.
    Seriously, great post.

  14. fireandair Says:

    If you two could sit in the same time zone as one another after pigging out on beans, your marriage is quite stable and will endure any amount of rage.

  15. Hooray for being Freshly Pressed!

  16. Haha! I’m sure she loves having this story about the Burrito Rage posted, and even more so, that’s it’s Freshly Pressed…poor woman.

    Well, at least you feel somewhat healthier, but…I dunno. I think I would have gone for the third one no matter what! <— that's easy for me to say because I haven't experienced the rage… 😉

  17. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Congratulations!! 🙂

  18. mkultra76 Says:

    Freshly Pressed, even! Groovy!!

  19. If only I could teach my husband to love refried beans the way I do – he prefers pinto. I guess opposites attract though.

  20. Ooo my wife makes me put the spices into things after too. But you MUST have cumin when you have bacon fat. MUST.

    Dude…I can’t believe you didn’t eat that third burrito.

  21. mairzeebp Says:

    I would have tried for a third too but it would have been my brother that heard, with his super sonic ears when it comes to my eating habits, the slightest rustle of the substance containing either the tortilla or the cheese and that would have been it. He’s concerned about my overall health of course which I appreciate. I also appreciate how peaceful it is eating in the laundry room with the washer running although I’m sure he’ll catch on to that soon :).

  22. Hilarious. Glad I found your blog. Will definitely share this with muy husband and read more of your posts!

  23. Congrats on making the Freshly Pressed page!

  24. Refried beans from scratch? Are they that much better than the can? If so, I really think you should make a tutorial.

  25. You really have no idea…well, no, you probably do…that a real woman’s rage is palpable…and obvious…and if you ever get to that point?

    So help you.

  26. You just got me hankerin for a burrito myself. Good ol pintos are way healthier than any meat you get these days anyhow. I smother mine with green chile or red…thats the way to go! Good laugh. mahalo

  27. If you are like my husband (same namesake), it’s not about the fact that you snuck the other burrito when we tell you not to, it is the aftermath of the 3rd burrito! One burrito, two burrito = fine. Third burrito = Dante’s Inferno with all the sulfur smells that accompany it. The wives just can’t take it, I tell you. It is the “silent, but deadly” aftermath of the third burrito that we need to be spared. Have mercy!

    Congrats on being FP’D!
    http://www.howthehelldidienduphere.wordpress.com

  28. I’m so hungry right now and happen to love artisan refried beans. I would’ve fought you tooth-and-nail like a rabid wolverine over that third burrito.

    PS Thanks for the recipe. What else can you cook?

  29. Okay… it’s been a long time since I actually LOL’d this loud at something I read on the computer. Thank you, sir. Thank you ver much. Well done!

  30. mamadestroy Says:

    Your wife married well! I read this right at dinnertime, so that didn’t help matters, but you made my tummy rumble! I want some of your refried beans, with the cumin and cayenne!
    Thanks for firing up my appetite and making me laugh!

  31. LisaaLinh Says:

    Well written. I like the set up of the scenario and the format of the story. Very funny!

    – LisaaLinh
    BitchinRants.wordpress.com
    Lisaalinh.wordpress.com

  32. Can’t remember the last time I had a bean and cheese burrito, but I think I want one now.

  33. Dude… I can go for a burrito right now. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Thanks for the inspiration. Congrats on being FP! Cheers.

  34. ryoko861 Says:

    It was going to be a long night, wasn’t it? For her at least if you ate that last burrito. I’ve been on the firing end of some “burrito bangs” at night. Nasty, just nasty.

  35. Alright, you have a new follower. If not for the funny post then for the hilarious responses to the comments that follow. Does your wife ever post too?
    “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
    Benjamin Franklin

    • Sincere thanks. Watch for John Erickson and Elite, they’re dangerous. H.E. Ellis, Very Normal and Savorthefolly are my ‘blog rapper girls’ … the hotties who keep shit interesting. Everyone else is part of the Rant Army like you are now. So do pushups.

  36. That’s great–hilarious!

  37. I don’t really make my own beans or my own burritos too often, but I was stopped by the title of your post, as only a few days ago a burrito was able to save me and my kayak from sinking.

    Burritos are truly powerful things. Respect them. Know your limits and know the burritos limits… or have a wife that knows your limits with respect to burritos.

    Mmmmmm…. burritos…….

  38. And as they say, behind every powerful bean eating man is an even more powerful woman…Terrific post.

  39. Hells Yeah! Congrats on making Freshly Pressed, though it should be renamed Freshly Passed just this once.

  40. savorthefolly Says:

    So awesome! Reread the post and it was definitely FP worthy! Again, congratulations!

  41. aparnanairphotography Says:

    OMG…”Noting her posture, I maintained steady eye contact, made no sudden moves, and backed out of the kitchen with minimal lateral movements and keeping my hands relaxed and at hip-level.”<—–LOL!!!! That's hilarious! I wish my husband would take a cue from you! Please keep writing – and congrats on fp!!

  42. Dude you just got owned! haha! She just wanted to make sure you didn’t make too big a dent in that bounty of beans so that there would be plenty for her hahaha! Us women a wily creatures.

  43. Hey guy, you gotta learn to sneak these things behind her back. It’ll kinda be like having an affair…with burritos. Congrats on the FP!

  44. My burrito rage is that I am an American in Canada and burritos are an expensive commodity. The size, quality, and price are quite laughable generally, as I have found to be the case outside of Latin America and the US. Be grateful. =p

  45. Great story, thanks for sharing.

  46. My fiancee cooks me pasta… there are two types he presents me with – still crunchy… or falls apart when you put a fork in it. But he’s wicked with fixing anything computer related and he’s a whiz at pouring me a tea or putting bread in the toaster 😀
    Congrats on being able to cook more than toast… hope my future hubby progresses soon, at least he tried and that is sweet.

  47. So it’s the lard that I’ve been missing in my beans? Good to know.

  48. Laughing hysterically! 🙂

  49. Jennifer Holt Says:

    “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold”… love it!!

  50. arindam_maitra Says:

    Great one!!! Reminded me of a similar incident in my life… great articulation.. thanks – you helped start my day with a HUGE smile!

  51. Great style: in the writing, the beans eating and the recipe. Love the backing off with little movement imagery. Isn’t a partner always your better and worst halves packaged in one – conscience-overlord and little demons reflex? Lovely blog

  52. I think I already know, but I leapfrogged to this site trying to find out what a great whale has to do with Starbucks. I came over from a discussion thread on Dictionary.com and was astounded. There are actually people who correctly use AND spell four syllable words. Compared to this, D.com looks like the short bus to the thesaurus.

    I appreciate Tarotworldtour’s dilemma. I’m a Canadian with a taste for Tex-Mex. Chi-Chis couldn’t make it and shut down, and Taco Bell just doesn’t do it, so we’re learning to make our own. The wife can make corn tortillas and refried beans. I cook the different meat mixtures. Quesdillas for supper on Saturday. I just threw out some over-the-hill chicken fajita filling, and we’ve learned to make El Salvadoran pupusas, complete with salsa roja and a spicy cole slaw called curtido.

    Gotta try to come here again. Keep up the good work everyone.

  53. I need some burrito rage in my life.

  54. Aw man! I’ve been that woman! And my hubs has been that man. Your hiliarious story vindicates our true love as well. I can’t wait ’til he wakes up, ’cause after his “effluviant” morning routine, I will be sure to share this with him. Thank you for making me laugh out loud at 4am…and congrats on being FP’d.

  55. “…load up my digestive system with a bomb of epic proportions…” Nice. I always imagine cheap, grease-laden food waging a war of conquest in my gut. I made stir-fry the other night and Wife and I both equated the feeling in our stomachs to the Mongol Horde throwing itself at the bastions of Europe; spice, grease, blood and pain for all.

  56. Love your post – by the way: I am also cooking with free electrons…

  57. Myra's voice. Says:

    I love it! Even more, I love that you two love one another. So adorable. Your burrito story was honey sweet and you are smart to stick with your story. “)

  58. Great post! Love it 😉 I’ll be following

  59. That sounds about like my wife…well, minus the rage…and the burritos…well nevermind, it sounds nothing like my wife…but im sure i can relate!

  60. Loved this post! Made me laugh a little. Burrito Rage…love it!

  61. BrainRants – I think the key thing was when you mentioned the morning bowel movements that result. My wife, a huge bean eater and lover, has been known to blow sheets off the bed after a night like the one you describe.

    • I agree. She later stated that she gets tired of hearing the post-game analysis to the morning constitutional, and I was merely teeing up another bad one. Your site is awesome, by the way.

  62. allanleroy Says:

    Funny funny funny…in a green chile kinda way

  63. The lard’s the secret ingredient, amigo. But it’s also the lard behind all that pent-up anger and release. Nobody can sit still and watch someone else snag the ‘extra’ burrito when there’s lard involved.

    IMO

    Old Jules

  64. Sounds like your wife has her hands full! I personally don’t understand the alure of either beans or burritos, and am waging war against cheese, but I suspect that I’m outnumbered by 99% of the population, who no doubt would have loved to be sharing said bean burritos with you.

    Congratulations on your Freshly Pressed post!

  65. my husband and I have an unspoken rule about not telling each other what to do, except he tells me how to drive, which makes me want to punch him in the face.

  66. “… and then she went into the kitchen and ate the burrito I was making.”

    BrainRants didn’t realize her diabolical plan until it was much too late.

    The End.

  67. I can totally relate to this! Too funny and thanks for sharing your wit!

  68. Many moons ago I screwed up cooking the beans. Every once in a while, I’ll get a reminder from my husband, or worse, his friends. Sometimes I’ll be reminded right away from a friend that I may not have seen in years. The first thing out of their mouth might be “remember the time you tried to make beans and…..” Really, I’m remembered as the bad bean girl. This post made me laugh.

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed 🙂

  69. aeonmagus Says:

    Hilarious story there, BrainRants.
    Now, what would have really happened if you did eat that third burrito? One can only imagine (as I do, twisted as I am) that your face would have gone a deep red as you exert pressure on your abdominal regions to forcefully push out that “room-clearer”. With an audible passing, the warm gas would have set your pants on fire, which would have caught onto the rest of your attire. You would have been standing there ablaze, with an almost-content smirk on your face (as I assume all men do after the relief of a burrito passing). Your wife did you a great service of saving your life that night.
    ^^ Musings of a deranged idiot, I assure you.
    In any case, awesome read. Congrats on the FP.

    The deranged idiot,
    aeonmagus

  70. Go Di!!! She saved the world from an unescapable “bomb of epic proportions” lol!! congrats on FP

  71. OMG I laughed so hard. I am remembered as the girl who set the house on fire with a pizza I was making. Cost us $40,000 in repairs because the insurance company would not pay.

  72. As a guy who loves his Mexican food and now lives in a place where the closest thing to it is stale Doritos Sour Cream and Onion chips, I fully understand, appreciate and, quite frankly support burrito rage. You deserved what you got, my friend. You don’t mess with one’s Mexican food and expect no consequences.

    We moved to a newer home mostly to be able to pull off the sneak-into-the-kitchen-for-the-last-burrito manoeuvre without activating the floor board alarms. Waste of money. Still didn’t work.

    Congratulations on getting pressed, man. Hang on for the wild ride and have fun!

  73. HAW! Great post. That was awesome. Incredibly well written as well.

    I will follow your blog for sure. Thank you for sharing!

  74. مـتاااابعه

  75. SandySays1 Says:

    There is something about the smell of refried beans that brings to mind scenes from Apocolypse Now. Maybe it’s green gas that my human emits that peels the paint from walls after he, like you, eats the third, burrito. Maybe its the vision of Manny, the Chihauhau from down the street, sneaking one from the table at the party, his head held back to keep from dragging his pride as his human chased him with a fishing net. Or, maybe it was the hell my human caught after answering honestly the question posed by his wife, “Do you my burritos or Tacvo bells best?” Hell hath no furry like a woman whos burrito has been scorned!
    Sandy
    http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com

  76. Muy Bueno, Senor BrainRants! I’m hungry and glad I’m not married!

  77. JoshPips Says:

    This is awesome. Im from Texas and good mexican food is scarce. Gonna have to start cooking

  78. You have a wonderful writing voice! I enjoyed your post.

  79. My wife, at least twice a week, cooks and eats a mess of Brussels sprouts. I would use the odor of refried beans as air freshener! Loved the rant!

  80. Thank God it wasn’t a Chimichanga. I don’t even know exactly what’s in them,but my wife goes nuts if I even look at a third one.

  81. “I maintained steady eye contact, made no sudden moves, and backed out of the kitchen with minimal lateral movements and keeping my hands relaxed and at hip-level.”
    I’m still laughing at the visual. I will use this method the next time I get in trouble for throwing out something that belongs to my husband – the Squirrel!
    Living in bear country (Vancouver, BC) this is a very familiar technique often with the same result – no burrito!

  82. This was very funny! My husband and my kids fill that role.

  83. Makes me want to cook up some beans and (in the words of Mama Cass) “Make My Own Kind of Music!” yeah.

  84. Great story! Now I’m hungry 🙂

  85. Freshly pressed indeed.

  86. I have been writing about the middle school boys’ obsession with flatulence. It’s interesting to note that many a man never outgrows the obsession.

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. I am very jealous.

    http://www.teachingisnotaparttimejob.wordpress.org

    • No, we don’t, and it’s because farts are just intrinsically funny. *giggle* I said ‘fart.’

      And thank you. Don’t be jealous. You have any idea how many emails I’ve turned around these two days?

  87. Elksong Jewelry Says:

    Smart people…garbage food…always mystifying.

  88. Not only did I THOROUGHLY enjoy this…I’m delighted to see that you have so far commented on almost everyone’s comment, showing that even though this is cyberspace, you are a world class guy, keep on keeping on, and congrats on being pressed down, oh wait… oppressed? no…freshly squeezed? wait a minute…oh, freshly pressed,

  89. you had me roflmao-ing

  90. That sounds like delicious beans… Seriously, I really enjoyed your piece. Thanks for making my day!

  91. Arrived at the top of Freshly Pressed searching for a whale of a coffee, to find a note saying “The authors have withdrawn this post.” Looked at what was available and you had me at Burrito Rage.

    As far as I know, the connection between a giant whale and Starbucks runs through the middle of Herman Melville’s book, Moby Dick. “Call me Ishmael” relates the story and Ahab is the captain. It’s been lo, these many years since I read it. Starbuck was another character aboard the Pequod, but I can’t remember his exact position. This, of course, is where Starbucks took their name from, ergo, the reference to a giant whale.

    Coincidences are just amazing sometimes. I told my son about this blog and the post I left. Starbuck reminded him of the old Battlestar Galactica TV show, and the so-named character on it. I then went into the living room and did one of my daily crossword puzzles. “Starbuck’s captain” was the third clue. Ahab or Adama?? Only four spaces, that was easy. Went downstairs to watch Jeopardy, and who’s in one of the questions? You guessed it. Nothing for twenty years and then four references in two days!

    Unlike the Excited States, Canada is a civilized country where guns of any calibre are frowned on and restricted. When having a problem with a bear, local police and the Mounties strongly suggest wagging a finger and speaking firmly to it. Or, you can throw a handful of shit in its face and run like hell. Where would you get a handful of shit, you ask???

    Mama Cass Elliot + ham sandwich = urban myth! She died of a grand mal type seizure.

  92. It’s always our fault, isn’t it?

  93. Ha, Ha! I like your wife.

  94. sir is it time to read i mean it is good to read but it is weekend time:)

  95. very funny! I can relate. I am still lauging at the image in my head!

  96. Now I want to hear your wife’s side.

  97. Yes, I’d like to hear the little ladys side now. Would be an interesting contrast. YOU are hysterical!

  98. dmozjapan Says:

    ha ha ha !!

  99. Awesome post, thank you very much 🙂

  100. Quite an entertaining post! I like the light-hearted nature of your writing.

  101. You, sir, are hilarious. I find myself drawn to you as a brother based on your hilarity and deep love of Mexican food.

    • And many a thanks to you, kind Sir. I would add that I will not be ‘hugging’ or ‘doing manly contact’ with you in spite of your brotherly feelings as I have no actual brother. Hope you’re cool with that shit.

  102. Hahaha, did you check if it’s a full moon? Full moon = more irritated wives. My husband ran away with his friend this weekend to escape the rage of the wives. Funny post!

  103. Do share your patented, “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold,” please! LMAO

    • Without a graphic, it is simply folding 1/3 of each side over the pile of beans in the tortilla, then bringing up between 1/5 and 1/4 of the bottom, pointing in the bottom corners like you’re doing a military bed, and then rolling shit up. Get it?

  104. iam can’t login my website please help me thanks

  105. Ah yes, the good ol’ end-tuck. I’ve mastered the burrito fold – Thanks! 🙂

  106. charleemarie Says:

    Hahaha, good genuine post. I really laughed. I can relate in some aspects but my long-time boyfriend would not allow me to yell at him. Not over food. BUT, if I did though, it would be “WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING SUPERMARKET HORMONE BEEF WHEN I KEEP TELLING YOU TO BUY GRASS-FED?! I’M TRYING TO KEEP YOU HEALTHY, DON’T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT?!” So I just don’t say anything cuz he would still do his own thing anyway…

  107. Hugo Mattos de Lima Says:

    Congratulations, really nice post!

    http://amazingcoolthings.wordpress.com

  108. Sounds just like how my mum would react…haha

  109. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

  110. Hilarious! Have you been in my house lately? Sounds like it!
    You completely nailed the wonderful spousal relationship..and by the way don’t even think of taking the best piece of pizza for yourself!

  111. Haha.. Brilliantly (and politely 😉 ) written! Congrats on being FP.

  112. Join us on the food journey to amazing places… Subscribe for free updates

    http://colorfulfoods.wordpress.com/

  113. very well written! and hilarious. i’m kinda hungry now 🙂

  114. I really enjoyed reading this post! “Beany rewards”. I like that.

  115. oh man can I relate! as a woman, I can say that there is no telling what sets us off sometimes but oddly enough, the men in our lives seem to know when to stand still, be quiet and back off 😉

  116. Drop the burrito!! I think you made the right move. I can’t imagine what would have happened had you actually EATEN the thing. Women are scary.

  117. Just saw you made Freshly Pressed. Congrats…you totally deserve it! Cheers to you!

  118. I am laughing out loud! Great post! Thank you 🙂

  119. nice and very well delivered

  120. […] One of them, anyway. I had successfully executed a massive batch of beans, filling our 16″ cast iron skillet to the rim. They were warm, brown, and bubbly. I warmed tortillas and got the cheese and hot sauce ready to load up my digestive system with a bomb of epic proportions that I could enjoy sharing with most of the people I know over the course of the next several days. We filled and wrapped, carefully doing our patented “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold” and set off to watch the news with our beany rewards. […]

  121. […] I somehow managed to earn the honor of having one of my blog posts featured in Freshly Pressed (read that shit!). Believe me when I say that nobody was more surprised than I was. I’ve seen a few blogs that […]

  122. Behind every hungry man is a very wise, disciplined woman. (Not to mention thoughtful of the loved ones you were bound to encounter in following days…)

    Hilarious anecdote! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

  123. <——–I eat a BOWL of beans for lunch…every.single.day. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY BEAN!

  124. Burrito’s are tough to really screw up.

  125. adamotomy Says:

    Burrito rage means something entirely different in my household.

  126. Refried beans have bacon grease and lard in? Hmm, and i thought they were healthy because of their fibre content…
    Anyway, don’t let her cramp your style buddy! LOL

  127. richardsatoru Says:

    Sometimes we just need that *subtle nudge* to keep from overdoing it, I guess.

    I’m curious about your “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold” technique. I’m working on a blog about the art of eating (not necessary WHAT you eat but HOW you eat it), and I would love to include any tips of yours in my upcoming burrito post!

  128. If I ate even one of thoughs I would be emitting a whole lot more then rage! LOL

  129. Sooooo far down to the bottom of this.

    This is a really funny post, but I can’t help wondering if we asked Di, what she would tell us that you’re not telling us. There is obviously some burrito history here. You’ve got me really curious.

  130. savorthefolly Says:

    Holy shit you’re still up there! Are you about to shoot yourself in the head? Yes…and now you’re getting yet ANOTHER comment, from me. 😀 When you hear the bing on your computer when this comment posts, will that be the last straw? Will you finally pull that damn trigger and put yourself out of your misery?

    Perhaps you will never even read this comment, forced instead to commit suicide rather than have to respond to yet another fucking freshly pressed comment.

    Again my friend, congratulations.

  131. Your content with your burrito rage? Ummm… Never thought about it that way but I must say I found this amusing and very interesting. Thanks for the share!

  132. This had me laughing from the beginning. Love the post, and congrats on being freshly pressed!

    🙂

    uponatlas.

  133. hi everyone…

  134. beans YUM. I love a bit of mexican food.

  135. “…husband committing misdeeds…” I love it! I think I put those waves into action more than I’d like…or my wife has an extremely sensitive “…husband committing misdeeds…” meter reader.

  136. themingmong Says:

    Brilliant! I have the same ongoing argument about my rice portions with my husband. I do the cooking and he always moans. I reckon he should cook it himself, then he can put exactly how much he wants on his plate.

  137. I read somewhere that men who have nagging wives live longer. Not saying I *believe* it–just that I read it…

  138. Burrito Rage~~~ ha-ha. I like your blog.

  139. Congrats on making FP!

    Perhaps your wife’s rage was motivated by fear. Should my significant other down a third bean burrito, I would be afraid of methane poisoning or a potential explosion if anyone lit a candle.

  140. I could use someone like Di in my house when I want to eat more chips!

  141. hahaha, that is awesome! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂

  142. TheIdiotSpeaketh Says:

    Too funny buddy! Congrats on the well-deserved recognition for your blog! 🙂

  143. Now I want a burrito! Great post, congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.

  144. Ali Malik Says:

    Yum, burrito. Keep it coming. Good job getting on Freshly Pressed.

  145. Love this! 😉 Keep up the good work and ill keep following you!!

    -Chris Styles

    http://www.idolizethemind.com

  146. Nice your post… 🙂

  147. Hi there Brian. Thanks for a laugh 🙂
    Cheers,
    Courtney

    http://www.courtneyholden.wordpress.com

  148. savorthefolly Says:

    *muffled voice* and he’s still up there….

  149. hahaha burrito rage!

  150. Very Funny .. This was really really funny!!

  151. Reading about your delicious burritos is really pissing me off right now…

  152. unique… very unique…

  153. kyleericson Says:

    Great blog if your inrested in radio check out my blog http://kyleericson.wordpress.com/

  154. Congratulations making freshly pressed!

  155. I’m glad Freshly Pressed is still broken. It gave me the chance to read and enjoy this post. Again.

    The other day I was on a road trip and the wife decided to swing in to a Taco Bell for something to drink. She asked if I wanted anything. I said, “Yeah. I’ll take a bean burrito.”

    “Do you want onions in that?” she asked.

    “Yes, please.”

    “Do you want red sauce?” Again I replied in the affirmative.

    At the window, she ordered my burrito. “We want a bean burrito with onions and red sauce.” I raised an eyebrow at the explicitness of this order but said nothing.

    A few minutes later we were back on the highway and it bit into the worst burrito of my life. A quick check revealed no onions and no red sauce. If you’ve never had a plain bean and cheese burrito from Taco Bell, take it from me: Treat it like silica gel and do not eat!

    “Check the receipt,” she suggested. I looked and, surprise, the order taker had went out of his way to mark my burrito as NO onions, NO red sauce. You know, the exact opposite of what we wanted.

    “Why did you have to state those ingredients?” I asked. “That’s how a bean burrito normally comes. By specifically asking to make sure they were there, you screwed ’em up!”

    Thus we actually had a fight about the proper way to order a bean burrito at Taco Bell. I’ll see your Dante’s 500th level and raise you to level 501.

    And that’s my “burrito rage” story.

  156. Still hogging the Freshly Pressed spot I see! Haha, just kidding. I read this the first day it was posted but didn’t write anything. Perhaps WordPress was just waiting for my comment before moving you out of the way. Seriously though, this was hilarious!

  157. Well told. I loved this snippet of life. 🙂

  158. savorthefolly Says:

    Oh dear God, does anyone have a gun? a knife? a blunt object? someone needs to put him out of his misery….

    • John Erickson Says:

      Who you tryin’ ta whack?

      • savorthefolly Says:

        I just imagined that brainrants is down to his last nerve, and freshly pressed is standing on it.

        as his blog friends, I really feel it falls to us to put him out of his misery. or alternatively, to keep writing comments on the post thus further aggravating poor brainrants. I just can’t decide which one to do?

      • savorthefolly Says:

        well if you think it’s the right thing to do? I just want to do whatever a good friend would do.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        because that’s just the kind of person I am. I’m a giver.

      • savorthefolly Says:

        but the more I think about it, I’m kinda getting hungry for a burrito….

        • John Erickson Says:

          Well, then give him one or two more pokes, then go have a burrito. I’m gonna head off to bed, I’m beat and I have a wet basement to clean up tomorrow. Unfinished, so no biggie. Just can’t plug the dang leaks!

  159. toastman Says:

    i am toast man defender of bread no grain shall ever be harmed on my watch so bread eaters watch out im comin for you!

  160. As Hendrix might have sung: ‘and the wind cries . . . .’

  161. Couples who cook together, stay together…??? I pretty much have given up trying to cook with my boyfriend, I let him take charge. Men love to be in control of the fire

  162. Oh Dog! Congrats on making Freshly Pressed! They certainly picked a great post to share *ROFL*

  163. Ohh this made me laugh so much 🙂

    Thank you and congrats on the freshly pressed!!

    I now need beans and wraps… burrito night anyone?! Do you have a beans recipe???

    Rubelle’s Moon

  164. I reckon it was the belch that turned her. That would do it for me. Very funny post, thanks for the laughter

  165. Love this! I read it while covering the switchboard for my friend during her lunch hour and laughed quite loudly and heartily! …phones were slow today… I can’t wait to get home and have my husband read this.

    Actually, I’m helping a friend with some catering this evening…think I’ll pass this on to her and her crew as well.

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed, and thank you so much for the laughter!

    ….Bean-o anyone?…. 🙂

    Blessings,
    Renee
    a.ka. new fan/follower of your blog

  166. …oops…so sorry, back again to sign up for follow-up comments…

    🙂

  167. Sounds a lot like cupcake rage! http://wp.me/p1se8R-1CS With either there is hell to pay!

  168. Travelling Writer Says:

    what a beautiful blog! i just hope that i can have the discipline to watch what i am eating!! =)

    http://travelersdiningdepot.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/on-the-karts/

  169. Are you a bit of a porker? If you are a fatty who complains about being fat and always says ‘I need a diet’ then your wife has every right to go mental at you if you go for a third trouser-ripping cheese-filled tortilla of terror. She’s probably had enough of your whinging pasty white fatness lounging on the sofa.

    If however you’ve got a stomach like Jackie Chan before breakfast then you need to have serious words with her!

  170. my boyfriend and i are currently in Mexico trying to stuff ourselves with as much food as possible! it’s all so good and cheap!

  171. bearcat8 Says:

    Amazing. The shit that makes Freshly Pressed I mean.

  172. Burrito Rage – so clever. Sounds delish, too!

  173. My toddler will frequently experience meat rage when we have steaks. My husband doesn’t know when to stop giving him bites, and before we know it, the Meat Rage (caps necessary) strikes. Oh, the horror…

  174. phoenixspartans Says:

    ha ha..really funny indeed .but am struggling with my english in reading..had to read twice to know the actual meanings in certain place.

  175. Oh Brain ! You had me at “Burrito Rage” and the ride didn’t stop once I entered and read your post ! LOL For the first third of my way through, I wondered — seriously — about the, er, after-effects !
    As a woman of a certain age, my unfortunate lot in life is to have to be verrrry careful about what I do and don’t ingest. So as not to be too GROSS, all I will say on that subject is that even the damn Bean-O doesn’t do all it’s cracked up to do ! 😉 And alas I do so love burritos…. and baked beans…. and broccoli…. etc. On a more positive note, although you dearly love your DI right now, if ever she bans you completely from the kitchen, or from 3rd helpings, and if you’re interested in a MUCH older woman (but not a rich one, mind you), you just e-mail me ! 😉
    Congrats on your Freshly Pressed status, and I shall be a subscriber forever if you just keep the funny posts coming !
    Check me out if you get a chance after answering our zillion responses ! http://cwc6161.wordpress.com/about/

    • Thank you for your shameless self-promotion.

      • Damn right it’s shameless ! lol When one reaches a certain age, there remains little about which one is ashamed. And hey, we can’t all become Freshly Pressed without attempts to add to our readership 😉

        At least one of your followers visited me and credited you for the follow, so I had to return to his source just to refresh my memory and while here I partook of a portion of your “rants.” It appears that we share the same shall we say “dissatisfaction” with the esteemed medical establishment. But in order not to force myself to write yet another rant on *that* subject, I’ll close by saying only, “Keep up the good work!”

  176. Anything food related is worth my time to read & you certainly didn’t disappoint!

  177. steveecker Says:

    Very funny! As a twice married pseudo-chef myself I think what she was trying to say is you’re getting too heavy for her to support your ever increasing girth during certain marital moments. Lighten up chunky, it’ll get better if you smile alot, nod your head in agreement alot and try a chicken ceasar salad once in a while or alot.

  178. I really enjoy our view. it great to fell in mind that can happen.

  179. Love this. And can relate.

  180. I am truly glad I stumbled upon your uproariously funny blog and including definitely this post you posted so recently. I wonder if we could exchange our blogs for our blogrolls. I write a humor blog too with my BFF Carol. http://societyfordaintydamsels.wordpress.com

  181. Sparklebumps would probably get upset if everyone kept popping round to use her thesaurus.

  182. Go Di!!! She saved the world from an unescapable “bomb of epic proportions” lol!! congrats on FP

  183. Aw man! I’ve been that woman! And my hubs has been that man. Your hiliarious story vindicates our true love as well. I can’t wait ’til he wakes up, ’cause after his “effluviant” morning routine, I will be sure to share this with him. Thank you for making me laugh out loud at 4am…and congrats on being FP’d.

  184. haha, you’re lucky you survived!

  185. So who ended up eating that last burrito??

  186. A classic tale. Thanks for it. There is no doubt that almost any meal can be improved by adding cayenne and lots of it. Here’s a question: are women allowed to fart in your house? My hubby things it is okay that he blasts off and also stinks from the armpits, but I’m not supposed to. Ha!

    This was my first visit to your site. Lots of fun.

    Brainie from Stubblejumpers Cafe

  187. Men with nagging wives don’t really live longer, it just FEELS that way! Where’s that M9 I’m supposed to suckstart?

  188. Very Funny and yet maybe, yes maybe Profound!

  189. Great post! Funny as all get out!

  190. Well, I hope you saved me a bite.

  191. Congratulations! You’ve hit 425!:p

  192. That there was pretty funny …. I can only imagine the “retreat” as you shielded yourself from “Burrito Rage”!

  193. thevanbrown Says:

    It is that we know it will happen again that makes it funny. I’ve never been able to learn from beans. They teach me nothing, and I will eat them again tomorrow even though I should know better. Tabasco sauce is also a poor teacher. We think we remember, but we don’t. Perhaps part of the problem is that I’ve never learned how to measure it in “drops”. Thanks for posting. This was funny.

  194. teencliquemagazine Says:

    Haha, I loved it. Make sure you check out my magazine, http://www.teenclique.com!

  195. I go through life with a similar sense of bewildered confusion. I don’t get why people get so upset with me even when I walk down the street… When did being naked in public become an issue? And covering yourself in peanut butter is good for the pores, not socially unacceptable.

    Very funny! Now craving mexican food.

  196. Wow. How did I end up back here again? I think I’m going ’round in circles…

  197. […] And husband and wifely discourse.  I wish my rage worked as well on my own husband. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. ← I mean, it’s all kinda gay to begin with. That’s why I love it. […]

  198. This is an interesting topic that you bring up. Continue sharing, i might be back for more! 🙂
    Terrence J. White / My Joy In The Morning / http://www.whatisbeyondorganic.com

  199. Burritos are my absolute favorite home cooked meal! Crockpot beans, slow cooked all day. Home made shells, topped with cheese and slaw…. mmmm!

  200. Okay, I have to ask: how did you manage to generate so many responses?
    No offense, your site rocks, but that’s amazing, good sir!
    Please share!

  201. The health food writer, of the NY Times, Jane Brody, published a recipe book that has a recipe for (get this…) Healthy Refried Beans. There is no lard, no bacon, and it tasted terrible.

    Since I don’t know you well enough for a dinner invite, I have tried the food at a new Chipotle’s restaurant that recently opened nearby. I think they’re very good; what do you think?

    Ronnie

  202. This is HI-larious. A must read. Thanks for sharing.

  203. Maybe she wanted the third burrito…

    It’s just not fair that men can eat three burritos and pay such a small price while if I eat ONE burrito…

    Oops… the rage is contagious 🙂

  204. I came across this on WordPress after I signed in and now I have to read more.

  205. So how fat are you at the moment?

  206. You had me laughing out loud in my office. Hilarious! I think a lot of women can relate to Di…:)

  207. I know of this rage, but more importantly…. tell me more of this mythic” patented “non-splooging burrito tortilla fold”!!!!! Being a burrito overstuffer from way-back, I need this information.

  208. Hahaha! Great post, in particular the “At the time it was virtually impossible to tell as most of the salient points were interspersed with some ancient ur-language born somewhere around Dante’s 500th level” phase 🙂

  209. […] Burrito Rage BrainRantsFollow Humor   […]

  210. Hey, this sounds very familiar. I have husband bad eating habits rage. I’m glad I’m not alone. Funny story heard from the man’s point of view. I like that you acknowledge she is only looking out for you. And that you are happier for it.

    Thanks for sharing. It made me laugh.

  211. I find your replies to responses to be as entertaining as your blog.

  212. Those Handcrafted Artisan Beans sound like something you could sell on Etsy! They’d sell even better if they were Upcycled. Funny post!

  213. Based on this story, I think this is why people refer to their spouse as “The Better Half”
    -Angie

  214. Marcos…

    […]Burrito Rage « BrainRants[…]…

  215. A free website. Type your name and see what alphabet pictures would come up…

    […]Burrito Rage « BrainRants[…]…

  216. hahaha
    very nice!
    burrito rage, awesome idea

  217. […] refried beans. Or, RantFried Beans if you want to be formal. A few months back, I casually posted “Burrito Rage” here and as subsequent Freshly Pressed events unfolded, I became famous. Well, famouser. It remains […]

  218. Reblogged this on BrainRants and commented:

    Yeah, okay I should have fucking reblogged this when I put the damn recipe up… Beat me with some cut-off garden hose. Please. Oooh, yeah, baby… oh wait. Enjoy that which made me semi-sort-of-famous…

  219. Hilarious.
    Cooking beans once was a fine skill and considered fine /economical dining…and the windows were always open.

  220. Sounds like you’re really into Mexican food. If you want to give it a try, how about sweet and sour. http://writerdood.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/trailer-trash-sweet-and-sour/
    It’s awesome! Just make sure to use a really spicy salsa if you want that heat, and throw in some chili sauce and a bit of Tabasco or cayenne of you need more.

  221. […] deluged for two straight weeks with more comment email than I’d ever seen… all for this: Burrito Rage.  I know, […]

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