I did a blog entry in early August about my thoughts on cell phones (read it here). That was about how I thought of cell phones themselves, and now I think venting about the people who use and abuse them is in order. Since I travel a lot, I have ample opportunity to observe the human animal in its natural habitat. One behavior I can’t seem to come to grips with are people’s intense obsession with their cell phones. Why do people have this need to be connected? Some stuff about them just drives me batshit.

Can You Hear Me Now? Seriously, you retard, everyone within a mile radius can hear you. This is the person who just has to shout, because we all know cell phones are sonically powered, and the louder you talk the better the phone works. No doubt the victim on the other end understands you better, too. Normally this is some arrogant prick who is merely advertising how important they think they are by being toxic leaders over the phone. However, it’s equally awesome to listen to someone go on and on at top volume about their recent rectal exam, their elderly dog’s gas problem, or some other equally delightful facts.

Plugged In. Almost uniformly somewhere between teenage and twenty-something, and cannot stop talking to whoever will pick up when they serial-dial. No answer? No problem, because this jackwagon has thousands of contacts to choose from. I think these types are afraid of being alone with themselves, because it is truly scary inside your own head, especially when there’s nothing in there. These types will skillfully weave two or more conversations together when required, confusing the store clerks, family, muggers, and other folks around them about exactly who gets which words.

Digital Schizophrenia. This is the type who appears crazy because they have a wee little plastic thing jammed into their ear. Neat invention, but do they have any idea that they look like a complete whackjob who is talking to themself? For some reason they seem to believe that the bluetooth also provides a cone of silence. Try talking more quietly, or away from me, please, because you freak me the hell out when you do that. Really. People used to get burned alive for that kind of behavior. Maybe we ought to re-look that practice.

Waking The Dead.  This douche doesn’t have enough functional neurons to remember to turn off his cell, or at least put it on mute or vibrate, at appropriate times. Corporate meetings, weddings, funerals, and church services never survive uninterrupted. Either that or, like Mr. Can-You-Hear-Me-Now, they’re an arrogant ass who wants you to know that they’re so very important that they can’t possibly not get a call. The ringtone is set on ‘stun’ to make sure you don’t miss out on that fact. When this f-tard’s phone rings, an entire airport terminal stops and looks, even the dead guys the Mafia left in the tarmac. This dingleberry also keeps vendors of gay ringtones alive, because Mr. Can’t-Miss-A-Call in a three-piece suit loves his rap ringtone that makes him look so phat, yo.

Accident Waiting To Happen. The group of cell addicts I can’t stand the most are the ones who just have to keep yakking away while they drive. Meanwhile, the rest of us are watching you closely, avoiding you as you weave and swerve all over the damn road trying to drive with your knees. Some folks who can’t put the yakkity gadget down at least have a bluetooth or earphones, but personally I’m not convinced that helps one hell of a lot. Distracted idiots are still distracted, and that means dangerous. There are laws against this asshattery now, but true justice for these phonedouches would be causing their own demise through their own obsession with connection. The last thing that goes through these asshat’s mind when they wreck their car should be their cell phone.

That’s all I have to say about that. For now. Can you hear me now?

46 Responses to “Connected”

  1. The set that really pisses me off are the ones that try to talk on the phone in the elevator (where there is obviously no network) and just end up screaming HALLOO HALLOO into the phone until they’re out!

  2. I turn my phone off when I’m having lunch with friends or on a date, but often my date or friends don’t do the same and think nothing of taking calls during the meal. I’m always tempted to scream, “Unless you’re a surgeon on a transplant team with a patient waiting for a heart, turn the damn phone off!”

    Great rant!

  3. Ahahahha!! XD This is from my phone … like most of the other comments .

  4. Texting while driving really vexes me… I’ll steer with my foot so I can text my friend.

    Great post.

  5. I’m just here to let you know my dog’s gas has cleared up. We changed his diet, we’re good. I was just talking about that in my car very loudly to my wife. Thanks for the laughs.

  6. Great post today. I really enjoyed reading it very much. You have an excellent blog here. Thanks again for sharing.

  7. John Erickson Says:

    Oh, I LOVED going re-enacting, ’cause NOTHING reached our sites. No cell, no pagers, nothing. Drove my co-workers nuts, but the blessed silence was a reward in itself.
    The best one I saw was a guy having a HUGE argument on a car phone. So bad, I could hear him through my AND his closed windows. The left turn arrow went on, the car across the intersection started to turn, and bozo tromps the gas pedal straight ahead, just barely stopping in time to avoid an accident. So what does car phone guy do? Leap out of his car, yelling at the guy turning left, WHILE STILL YELLING INTO THE PHONE! I turned left and got the heck outta there, because a couple other drivers were getting out of their cars, and I really didn’t want to witness the following murder…..

  8. You are so completely right on with this whole entire post! The sad thing is that my ex-husband was one of the people who thought if he talked louder into the phone, the person on the other end could understand him better. Instead it just got the other person pissed, and it got my husband an ex-wife….

  9. I am not obsessed with my cell phone. In fact, the less connected I feel, the better I like it. 😀

    Great rant.

  10. I work retail, so I’m used to idiots asking me for something then stopping me short so they can continue their cell conversation w/o getting the information that they interupted my work for to get. Idiots. Go away. I hope they arm us with tasers soon.

    • I did an early rant about salespeople who will answer a phone in the middle of a transaction/question/bathroom-direction-giving to talk to someone not even in the store with money. Ass!!!

      • The thing I hate most about cellphones is the inability to talk with my hands (a bad habit I inherited from the Italian half of my family). That and I can never figure out how to do anything on them other than play music. I swear, my kid can land a space shuttle with his.

        • *laughing* Space Shuttle… yeah, Di has some Italian in her, which occasionally works out through the hands when she talks, sometimes on the back of my dumb head.

  11. Last summer (so far, far away now) I had to go to court, having been accused of video harrassment by a neighbor. Now, why I am sitting quietly in court trying so hard to concentrate and get my innocence story straight, some jackoffs cell goes off. The judge about wanted to incarcerate the guy, even threatening with contempt of court, or something. How big is your dildo-quotient to attempt to take calls in court, before an already angry black judge, at your cells highest volume, no less?

  12. So… Not a fan of cell phones?

  13. I work in a city library, and it’s to the point where I want to break out the industrial-size nun ruler with some of these douchebags.

  14. Hi, just texting to ask if you got my last text message.


  15. […] home to help deal with whatever random issue crops up. After I posted earlier on idiots who are constantly connected, a random neuron triggered and I remembered an email exchange between Di and me while I was in […]

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