Good News And Bad News

Doing official travel for the Army is really a mixed blessing, sort of like when people insist on relating stuff to you in the “good news or bad news” format. Here in my hotel in Maryland, it just doesn’t get truer than that, because it doesn’t matter how well a trip goes, there’s always something about it that is a colossal pain in the ass.

Good News: You have an itinerary that ensures you get to your destination decently early, and you have plenty of time to get to your connecting flight.

Bad News: You had to wake up at 3AM to make everything happen right to get on your 7AM flight, and then have a layover in Chicago so long you actually had time to look at everything in the Sharper Image store, peruse three bookstores, eat lunch, and take an epic dump.

Good News: The food court is relatively clear when you’re hungry after your 7th lap of O’Hare.

Bad News: They’re still only serving breakfast, and you remember what happened the last time you chanced eggs in a place like this. The order jockey girl speaks only functional English, so charming her into an early Big Mac is a non-starter. Being in uniform is no help because we’re probably carpet-bombing where she’s from.

Good News: I got the single-wide aisle seat on a 3-seat-wide jet.

Bad News: It is also suggled right up against the rear bulkhead, where the bathroom is, and – no kidding – has a rising floor like sitting on the wheel well of a school bus.  There are still green hairs and orange skin flakes from the Oompa Loompa who helped design it left on the seat cushion.  In all fairness, I had no idea my knees tasted so good.

Good News: The stewardess on my connecting flight gave me a wink and promised to ‘take care’ of me on the flight because I was in uniform.

Bad News: This turned out to mean that I could choose from among the three varieties of soda and get the rest of the can after she poured it. This is a kindness she’s rendered for military travellers since she joined the airline in 1955 as a second career.

Good News: Traffic through Baltimore was light.

Bad News: And a good thing, too, since an accident in a two-lane tunnel makes for slow going.  Maryland apparently has more waterhead looky-loo drivers than Texas.

Good News: I ate some truly awesome crab cakes for dinner.

Bad News: Actually that is the bad news too, because at my age whatever doesn’t lodge immediately in my aorta ultimately layers onto my gut and ass, and the exotic, spicy stuff like water and Cream of Wheat gives me gas.

Good News: The motel is very nice, and the room looks very clean.

Bad News: It looks clean in normal light, because you never pack a black light with you to check see if the bedbugs were possibly scared away by previous customers.

What can I say? It beats the shit out of driving all that way.


18 Responses to “Good News And Bad News”

  1. I can never remember so much about a trip afterwards to go on :-/ . But yeah , I do judge from second to second (^.^)

  2. The last time I took a flight, it was with Stewart and Phil, we don’t remember getting on the plane, we don’t remember the flight, but we do remember waking up in Texas with a dead antelope next to us. Also, there was also some sort of commotion involving us throwing a stewardess off the plane in-flight but we don’t remember that… TMI?

  3. It’s so cliche repeating this over and over, but great post! So, was there any toe-tapping in that bathroom stall at the airport? You know they overturned DADT so you don’t have to hide it any longer. Haha I kid, I kid. I know you have to remain mum with your opinion on this whole thing.

    The last trip I took was to Hartford, CT to see the Mayhem concert with my best friend on a “party bus” filled with a bunch of stoned twenty-something semi-pro wrestlers and a giant dil*do that they named THE MAX CHALLENGE.

    I never met Sully Erna.

  5. John Erickson Says:

    If you’re stuck in Chicago for multiple hours, you can always ride the El into the city and back. But ONLY if your layover exceeds 4 hours, cause the ride takes about 45-50 minutes each way.
    Or you can head over to “The Tunnel To Tomorrow” going to Terminal Two (I think). Lotsa cool lights in the walls and ceiling. Works REALLY good if you’re a bit hammered or stoned – you can be fascinated for HOURS! 😀
    If I recall correctly, the Hilton in the airport has some good food. You can also grab a cab over to River Road, there’s a whole slew of hotels with some good restaurants, as well as a Denny’s – if you’re in a hurry and aren’t too particular about quality. 😉

    • Hmmm. But I’d have to leave the security area and then go through all that again.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Sorry about that. I’m used to security back from my traveling days in the eighties. You know, the Golden Age, when security consisted of “Why do you need 50 rolls of film, sir?” “Because I’m going to a sci-fi convention for 2 days.”
        (Sound of crickets while security person tries to do the math, then gives up and waves me through.) 😀

  6. Good post . . . enjoy your trip. MD Crab Cakes are the best. 😀

  7. the good news is… I liked your post
    the bad news is… well all the bad news you mentioned (~_~)

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    You’re a funny guy!

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