Former Random Thought, Now “Enhanced” To Full Rant

WTFIs it just me or do some people out there spend an inordinate amount of time trying to peddle “male enhancement” products?  Good Lord. If I were the Galactic Commander for a day I’m not sure what I’d do first: put Congress in jail, banish reality TV, get to the bottom of Area 51, or forever ban male-enhancement drug spam on the internet. Internet sex-drug peddlers: I don’t care how badly you want to make a living, stop spamming me about cut-rate Cialis or Canadian Viagra (which I will assume is like Canadian Bacon: not really bacon, and by extension not really Viagra, so just stick to beer and being awesome at being just north of us, eh?).

If we put as much effort into making affordable and fuel-efficient cars as we do giving 80-year-olds reliable boners, I could drive a Rolls priced at $1.95 that gets 500 mpg.  Or at least a $500 Prius that would actually be cool to drive.  Maybe a Volt that ran on recycled hearing aid batteries.  I don’t know, but leave me the f— alone.  Trust me, if I needed your shit, I’d go make one of the wacky Army doctors issue me some.

My biggest problem is the amount of time I spend deleting your rediculous spams, and the ongoing set of rolling email addresses I have to maintain to keep ahead of your greedy boner fest.  The sly substitutions of zero for ‘O’ and other hackerspeak tricks to evade filters are just… I have no words to describe the asshattery. At least try for reasonable English. I surround my true email identity with a shell of blasted, stuffed, and abused puppet free accounts just to keep 90% of you at bay.  Yet you persist.  Go away before I cut off things you may need or want later in life after your other parts drop.  I’m sure well over 80% of these probably origninate from some teenager’s room in India who built a wicked autospam ‘bot.  Probably the same botard who keeps poking my Akismet here.

As for the ‘legitimate’ television ads… ok, am I the only guy out here who has no idea what the symbolism of two bathtubs really means? If this is alluding to two folks getting their frisky on, why two tubs?  Did I miss something in sex ed?  Was I / Am I that big a nerd? I’m fairly certain it works better with one tub. I will admit Smilin’ Bob is actually funny, or was.  I think that one ended.  To be honest I don’t remember a Viagra ad, so obviously they weren’t that memorable.  But I have to ask the Internet another question:  am I the only person in my current age bracket just a little more than disturbed by the mental picture of an 90-year-old man with an erection?  Please pass the Brain Bleach and then get busy fixing world hunger and liberal stupidity.

Finally, and this will sound a bit pandering and “CMA”, but I like sleeping in my bed: Am I also the only one who’s noticed that nobody’s rushing out to make the womens’ equivalent of these medications?  How fair is that?  What kind of Napoleon Penis Complex is keeping that stuff off the market?  Hmm?  Just sayin’.  There’s probably a good zinger in here about someone getting the short end of the stick, but the hateorade is messing with my funny gland.

I am irritated by the whole notion of these drugs.  I imagine life, as usual, will slyly make me eat my own words someday, but f-it, it will make an excellent blog post or two when that happens.

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57 Responses to “Former Random Thought, Now “Enhanced” To Full Rant”

  1. i keep getting spam about penis enhancements. I probably should get a penis before i start going down this avenue

  2. You speak many truths.

    And congratulations on the promotion from random thought to full rant. It’s nice to see something getting ahead these days.

  3. I get them the same, and as 18 year old hot-blooded male, I find I do NOT need more boner enducing meds. Yeah…

  4. John Erickson Says:

    I love the “simple moments can turn into romantic encounters”. The wife runs in from the rain while working in the yard. Now, maybe I just haven’t met the right sex-starved female, but I can pretty much write the script for every male/female pair I’ve ever encountered.
    Him: “Wow! You look hot! Wanna boff?”
    Her: “Are you out of your damn mind? I’m soaking wet, the rain ruined my $200 hair job, I broke a nail, I’ve got dirt all over my face, and all you wanna do is screw? Go find a knothole!”
    And thus ends another marriage.
    I may be overweight, overage, and over-pained, but trust me, the “gentleman’s vegetables” still works just fine, thank you VERY much for not asking. Let the old farts learn to play Pinochle and get me some cheaper pain-killers. THEN maybe I’ll be ready for the “After School Special”.

  5. Heehee! The whole subject of this rant makes me giggle. But I must say, any old man who still wants to sprout a stiffy deserves a little props…

  6. OH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY GUYS PUT TOGETHER A BOOK OUT OF THESE RANTS! You can call it something like, “Chronicles of Brainrants Dude and Captain Blue Balls.” Or something better, of course.

    • John Erickson Says:

      Hey, get it right! I’m Captain Insanity, not Captain Blue Balls! I’ve been Captain Insanity since Junior High! One of my D&D characters is Captain Insanity! (Whoops, sorry, Outcast, I think I just fell into that TMI area again. 😀 )

      • Captain Blue Balls? Wtf? Does John here not get enough action? Is his “gentleman’s vegetable” (Ick!) too dead nowadays?

      • John Erickson Says:

        Don’t know where the “Captain Blue Balls” came from. I wear Tupperware underwear, so my “gentlemen’s vegetables” nice and fresh!
        (I don’t remember what the heck they’re for, but they’re fresh! 😀 )

    • Outcast and ol’ John need a room. This is getting kinda icky.

      • John Erickson Says:

        I’m not sure if we could rise to our highest level of insanity without your helpful guidance.
        So…..
        (God forgive me, I gotta say this, I can’t resist……)
        It’s gotta be a menage a trois! 😀
        (EEWWWW!!! GROSS! YUCK!)

      • I just threw up a little bit.

      • John Erickson Says:

        A-ha! So you DO know step four in my conquest scheme – weaken the opponent by using disgusting humour!
        “Good, good. Soon, you will achieve your destiny, young Brainrants.”

      • Ahhhhhhhh…my EYES!
        Gahhhhhhhh…my EARS!
        Argghhhhhhh…my MIND!

        I claim middle spot! ;D

      • I think you meant kinky. And according to John here, you’re joining us so…Welcome to Room 69!

      • Strong with the Idiot you all are. There is no try. There is only do, nor not.

      • John Erickson Says:

        I’m strong in the INSANITY!!!! Not Idiot – that’s Mark’s gig. He’s the Idiot, and I’m Captain Insanity! (The “captain” part is an honourary title – I never made it past the WW2 rank of Tech Sergeant – one up from buck, whatever “E” rank that equates to.)

    • But a book would be effing hilarious! I think it’s actually a sound concept. With Ranter providing the “seasoned veteran” viewpoint, me providing the “hot-blooded boner induced youngster” viewpoint, and John providing the “insane psychotic nutjob” viewpoint, what could go wrong?

      Provided NO ONE gives John ANY blue pills…

      • John Erickson Says:

        I got a lot of pills, Outcast, but none are blue. So you’re safe on that.
        And the beauty of our little troika is, I’ve studied military stuff all my life (and re-enacted WW2 for 5 years), and Rants is equally psychotic as I am, so we could swap roles as needed! (I am WAY too old to even remember what “youth” was.)

      • Ok, got it. you and Rants switch off being the dodgy old coots and I get to be the slick action hero. Nice!

  7. a much needed rant. 4 dicks up!

  8. My sister’s ex-boyfriend actually bought penis enlargement pills once. He couldn’t afford rent but he could afford penis pills. Maybe he should work for the government. She broke up with him so I guess the pills didn’t work.

    I also got my dad candy for his birthday that year from Hot Topic. On the label it said “Ugly Pills” and he asked me if they really worked. I wish I could be so simple.

  9. UsneakydevilU Says:

    sneaky trick # 144: the make you feel better pill illusion. No wonder STD’s are now big in retirement homes.

    oh yeah, thanks for stopping bye.

  10. I couldn’t agree more…from the amount of spam out there for male enhancement, you’d think the entire penis-having species was as limp as a gay guy at a nudie bar. Insane! Great post as usual.

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Asshattery? Is that really a word? I had no idea you Army guys were so funny…

  12. Mmmm…why not testosterome shots instead? And what I wanna know is: Does Chastity take viagra?

    It’s all about the patents. They would sell us orgasms in a pill if they could.

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